To move DP into mine and DS' home?

[username567]

Not sure of the responses I'll get here.

I've been a single parent since DS was born (he's 2.5), so I got a little home for us when he was born to rent and made it a secure and loving place and always loved the fact that it's just ours.

Met DP and got (very unexpectedly) pregnant within the first few months. We have always intended to move in together before DC2 arrives but it'll be more towards when I'm 32ish weeks so that it wasn't too soon for DS and that's when we'd have savings for deposit and furnishings (as my home was already majoritively furnished) to move in somewhere.
That was always the plan as I thought it'd be better for DS to have this as our home and then move into a new home and have it as us 3 and a new babies home and have it be a bit more time.

Now I'm rethinking and I'm not sure if it's just because of stress.
DS and DP get along great. DP interacts really well with him, DS wants to see him more than me at the minute and he's got a crazy attachment to me!

Should I leave it as the original plan or should I move DP in to our original home in the month or two before we find another home? Would that be easier for everyone? Would it make it harder for DS to have never lived with DP and then have big adjustments including first new home and a new sibling and DP suddenly living there? Would it be hard on me and DP to have never lived together before (somewhere where I'm familiar with all arrangements) and then suddenly have to pay to furnish a home, deposits, rent and manage finances together off the bat? Should it be more eased in?

I'm not sure what's best! I'm just never sure of moving someone into mine and DS's home, I worry that the security he should have there is just me and him.

Hang on so he has kids already. Where are they going to stay when they are with him?

I’d have the house in just your name

And he's already got children.

Great.

Honestly - I can't take this some days.

I've never once said I'm not BU, I'm looking for opinions but justifying why it's not even slightly a light-hearted decision and my perspective on things.

His DC are just as considered as mine. We've spent just as much time creating a bond with them with me and my DS as well. They have said multiple times about the excitement to have their own room when we live together and to have sleepovers with my DS and spend more time with me and it hasn't even been mentioned to them/put in their heads. DP doesn't live with them, otherwise he'd be living with his ex (and I don't know many kids who live with their dad as a RP!), and it's been considered that we want to move closer to them, and he still - even a while after the break up - struggles with not living with his DC!

@Merryoldgoat completely agree that it's not straightforward and although I'm unbelievably happy, it's not that ideal! For record, DS wasn't introduced to DP at all until after I'd found out I was pregnant which was the reason to start introducing them sooner rather than later. It was still months and it was still a decision that took a lot of thinking and a lot of watching for my toddlers cues.

Call me naive but the financial bit is the bit I'm struggling with. I have my own wage that I live off now, I wouldn't give up work. We'd have joint finances. If things didn't work (I'm not saying this isn't a possibility), it'd be an (unfortunate) case of having to get help from the government as a single parent again.

If you move in together, won’t you lose many of your benefits? If so, then how will you afford the new rental on your own in the event of a split? Even if benefits kick in eventually, will they really be enough to cover a place that was big enough for 2 adults and at least 3, possibly more children (it’s unclear how many he brings to the relationship)?

How old are his dc? I'm finding so many warning bells here. His dc are not yours and your DC is not his. That's not a healthy relationship to have between the children and partners.

@Purpleartichoke it'd cover, I've checked this. Me and DS are renting significantly under what they cover for housing as it was unnecessary to pay more.

Yes, you are naive. Kids are always excited about sleepovers and seeing people they like. Until reality hits them.

Can you see how risky this is?

You barely know this man yet are having a baby with him. The % chance of breaking up is very high, especially for 2nd relationships were children are involved. The stats are not on your side. Add in very short relationship you are stacking the odds against you.

You feel pressured to move in because he wants it and that makes you a blended family with a new born. Very difficult.

I know you are trying to put a positive spin on this but the harsh reality is this is not a good situation.

Take the approach that you will separate, would you have access to deposit to rent again?

Loads of reasons why not to move in and the only reason for is that it placates your partner.

Quite honestly, it sounds a bit unwise to move in with someone you've known less than a year. Doing so at the same time as having a newborn. AND with a young child too...

I have to say it sounds like way too much uncertainty and upheaval at a time when you'll likely be emotionally and physically exhausted.

Why not just stay put, and then consider the move when things have settled down.

Is your place too small because of his kids visiting?

What’s his current situation? Does he have a spare room for them to stay in in his current flat/house?

And if you DO move in together make damn sure that there's a legal agreement as to what happens should you split, as regards to what happens to property, rent, etc.

When it comes to the financial situation you say you have your wage and you won’t be giving up work but as you will no longer qualify for any kind of assistance you will be relying on him to support you all financially, this is the part that makes you vulnerable. Are you going to get a joint account so all money is accessible by both of you? Does he see paying for your son as a joint responsibility or your responsibility? Do you know his wage, maintenance payments and debts? Do you know how he copes financially?
You will not be able to pay half of all bills on a part time wage so you are reliant on him, have you discussed childcare arrangements and costs when you go back to work, will he see your sons childcare costs as a joint financial responsibility? Can you afford to continue to work part time with both children?
If you are going to move in together then you must know all this and have a plan before you do it to prevent you being vulnerable. I do hope that it works for all of you and you are happy but we have all seen it go wrong and are advising you to make sure you are secure before you do this. It’s wonderful when all is going well but when things are difficult people show their true colours.

They have said multiple times about the excitement to have their own room when we live together and to have sleepovers with my DS and spend more time with me

Well of course they are. But wait until you’ve moved form the only house your child has known. And now he has a new full time step dad. And a baby constantly crying and taking everyone’s attention from him. Plus his step siblings coming and going. Not much of a stretch of the imagination to say this is enormous change.

As I've said as well, it's certainly not ideal and I wouldn't be the type to even introduce a partner before a year, hence why I've got an almost 3 year old and any dating hasn't worked out as I could see within a few weeks if it'd work and I haven't been interested in searching!

It's not all about him either. It seems completely unfair him not living with his baby though but me getting to when he's the kind of dad he is (and I certainly wouldn't have him staying more than a night a week if I'm claiming as a single parent!!). It's very important to him to be able to and I can completely understand that.

@lyralalala my place is too small because I chose the smallest place for me and DS to live as it was our first home and it was cosy and it suited us at the time. It probably wouldn't suit having 2 babies in there, that's even before his DC visiting! They have a spare room at his but it's quite cramped and was a short-term place for him too.

it's been considered that we want to move closer to them, and he still - even a while after the break up - struggles with not living with his DC!

How long from him breaking up with the ex to you two getting together?

How is your child with change? Children handle transitions very differently from each other.

@2toe yes, we discussed everything like that. He's the one who's shared details of pay and maintenance with me and he's the one who's suggested it'd be wise to get a joint account if I'd be home on maternity leave and getting less than he is anyway. He thought it was ridiculous when I got stressed about how I'd afford DS's nursery when I'm on mat leave because that's his responsibility. Always refers to it as 'our' money. Always pays for stuff for all DC or my DS if we're out and doesn't think twice.

I'm not just closing my eyes and saying this is all going to work out 100% (I wouldn't say that 5 years down the line), but there's no red flags so far.

If you move in with him, to a new place where you both take on the tenancy in joint names, and are unmarried, and give up your benefits you are in a terribly insecure position. Those are facts. Unless you are independently wealthy (which you aren't because you claim benefits (good - that's what they're there for)) you will become dependent on him.

And when the abuse may kick in, if it doesn't start as soon as he moves in.

@Eliza9919 a couple of years. His DC are 5+.

@MrsTerryPratchett he's surprisingly good with it. I always sheltered him and expected the worse reactions to change but has took every change he's had when I've expected an adjustment period (including going to nursery, then swapping nurseries, and including meeting DP and his DC) surprisingly tons better than expected!!!

DP's DC are probably more adaptable than DS too.

So you're planning on going from a cosy 2 bed, to a 3/4 bed with regular visits from your DP's other DC, a new baby and a permanent father figure in the home. That's a lot for a 2.5yo to take in. I'd take it as slowly as possible if I were you.
And are you sure you'll be able to afford to take on the rent of this bigger home if your relationship ends?

Living with a person full time is nothing like staying over for the night, weekend.

You and ds have your routine, it could be anything from
Getting into bathroom
Wanting to watch your program
Making tea when tie is right for you & ds
Going to bed, without being disturbed
Him maybe telling your ds off for something and you don’t think he should off
Your house, your rules

I personally would have him maybe stay over 2/3 nights.
The house is in your name, there is nothing like security. You have it

Defo my house, see him when you want. Best of both worlds.
Don’t get sucked into the happy family blah blah blah
There’s no such thing, living permanently with a man is bloody hard work.

I’ve done both, lived on my own for 11 yrs, then met guy 2 yrs later bought house together. I too have ds he no children.
Great at first, then reality kicks in 16 yrs later.
I can honestly say heart on heart I wish I’d kept my own private house.
We love each other, but living together is so hard, even now.

If you aren't posting with rose tinted spectacles I'd be cautiously optimistic.

I would get the joint account sorted NOW. Get the expenses spreadhseet etc sorted NOW. Understand exactly how money will work etc.

For example - it's obviously different for me as I'm married, but when I was on maternity leave we carried on the same and pooled ALL money, paid everything, split the leftovers and therefore we had the exact same disposable money. No nonsense about if I can afford a coffee, a magazine, or if I want to buy a £20 face cream.

It will be different for you as I'm guessing you have maintenance to factor in, but have the awkward conversations now and properly.

If he will do all that without any nonsense then you hopefully it will all be fine.

@granadagirl I think it's definitely a good idea to start doing more overnights in the comfort of DS's home where he's familiar with it being his home and getting to know that side of each other and that should obviously come first.

@Merryoldgoat reading back my situation it seriously looks like I'm a rose-tinted specs person - I swear I'm the most cautious person ever when it comes to DS and what's best for him, I have so many sleepless nights deliberating over what's right and good for him, how to keep stability for him. It took a lot of trust for me to introduce him to friends of mine I was so skeptical!

No.
Just no. 🙅‍♀️