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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DP into mine and DS' home?

136 replies

username567 · 11/07/2019 12:19

Not sure of the responses I'll get here.

I've been a single parent since DS was born (he's 2.5), so I got a little home for us when he was born to rent and made it a secure and loving place and always loved the fact that it's just ours.

Met DP and got (very unexpectedly) pregnant within the first few months. We have always intended to move in together before DC2 arrives but it'll be more towards when I'm 32ish weeks so that it wasn't too soon for DS and that's when we'd have savings for deposit and furnishings (as my home was already majoritively furnished) to move in somewhere.
That was always the plan as I thought it'd be better for DS to have this as our home and then move into a new home and have it as us 3 and a new babies home and have it be a bit more time.

Now I'm rethinking and I'm not sure if it's just because of stress.
DS and DP get along great. DP interacts really well with him, DS wants to see him more than me at the minute and he's got a crazy attachment to me!

Should I leave it as the original plan or should I move DP in to our original home in the month or two before we find another home? Would that be easier for everyone? Would it make it harder for DS to have never lived with DP and then have big adjustments including first new home and a new sibling and DP suddenly living there? Would it be hard on me and DP to have never lived together before (somewhere where I'm familiar with all arrangements) and then suddenly have to pay to furnish a home, deposits, rent and manage finances together off the bat? Should it be more eased in?

I'm not sure what's best! I'm just never sure of moving someone into mine and DS's home, I worry that the security he should have there is just me and him.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 11/07/2019 15:42

Why on earth is that bonus femme sign there? 😂

Mrsmadevans · 11/07/2019 15:42

How many DC has he got Op? When did he break up with his ex ?
I don't think you should move him in, alarm bells are ringing loudly. If you didn't have reservations then why did you post?

Original poster
username567 · 11/07/2019 15:45

@Mrsmadevans 2, and 2 years ago.

I think it's natural to have reservations though, I'm conscious that it's sooner than I'd have ever originally planned, but the circumstances also would never have been expected and have made things a bit different!

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 11/07/2019 15:47

You certainly have a conundrum OP. l wish you the best of luck l really do

GlitchStitch · 11/07/2019 15:48

It seems completely unfair him not living with his baby though but me getting to when he's the kind of dad he is

That shouldn't really be your concern though. He already has children he doesn't live with and if it is that awful for him he should have been more careful about making another baby in such a new relationship. Your consideration should be what is best for your son and his stability.

Cornball · 11/07/2019 15:50

CatOnASwing what an awful thing to say, a bloke expresses their excitement to be a full on parent and that's what you come out with? All of mn shoot down men that won't step up but when there's one right infront of you "they must want sex on tap" 🙄

OP sounds like you've made careful decisions and as unplanned as a baby is you're making the best of it (posters saying your relationship has a whatever percent chance of failing and you're going to have a baby with him - what an utterly useless statement she's already bloody pregnant! What help is telling her her relationship will fail?) and now he's going to abuse her I see..? Jesus wept, drama queen's. Not all men are pigs you know?

It's tricky and you are vulnerable, you know your DP and you know your LO. If finances and setup are better suited to moving in, and the help with a newborn AND a young DC will be greatly needed then you make the decision for your family to move in. Have your ducks in a row just in case, if it goes wrong it's sad but you're not worse off and a 2.5 Yr old will settle either way. May sound harsh but your toddler will get used to whatever you decide and you can't suffer in the long run.

You're getting an awful lot of flack on this thread but I think you'll do what's right for your situation which none of these people actually know. Go with what you feel is best, and congratulations on your pregnancy! Flowers

Original poster
username567 · 11/07/2019 15:52

@Cornball thank you! Have took on everyone's comments on here but it's nice to hear that I'm not the most irresponsible and careless parent for considering it given the circumstances!

OP posts:
IHaveBrilloHair · 11/07/2019 15:52

Agreed @GlitchStitch
He can be there each day anyway, just don't give up his home or make it official yet.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 11/07/2019 16:02

How often does he see his existing dc and how far away are they from each other?

martinidry · 11/07/2019 16:31

"had originally said that I didn't want to move in when we had a newborn as it'd be too soon for DS, but DP is completely unhappy about not living with his new baby"

And that's the problem, right there.

This shouldn't be about what your DP wants. He's an adult who has put himself in a difficult position. That's his problem.

Your little boy is just a very small child. Not only did he not cause this situation, he has no control over it. You need to put him first, to protect him and his physical and emotional security, over the desires of your DP and over your own.

That's your problem, right there.

MWalter · 11/07/2019 16:56

I have some sympathy for DP.

If my new-ish partner was pregnant, facing the prospect of not living in same place as the newborn, I also would find that difficult to handle emotionally.

HOWEVER - I hope that I'd still understand and respect my partners' reluctance to uproot her young family in order to accomodate my feelings. And as a parent already, frankly I'd really hope that I understand that my new partner has to prioritise the wellbeing of their existing toddler over my own desires.

So yeah, he may feel strongly about it. But this is where he needs to show that he's a suitable life partner and demonstrate that he's able to be a bit patient and wait until you and your child, OP, are ready for him to move in.

CatOnASwing · 11/07/2019 17:27

If he felt so strongly about living with his newborn, wanting to be a decent father etc, he would have waited until he was already in a stable, live-in relationship with Op, having successfully blended their families before impregnating her.

So, while I agree to an extent with the sentiment, @Cornball, in this particular instance I call bullshit.

Original poster
username567 · 11/07/2019 17:31

@CatOnASwing I was on contraception, let's not blame him!

OP posts:
CatOnASwing · 11/07/2019 17:34

He should have been using a condom, irrespective of what contraception you were using OP.

Amibeingdaft81 · 11/07/2019 17:37

This image that you created in your OP as creating some kind of cosy little haven for you and your son.... is fiction, isn’t it OP?

And it’s only going to get worse...

Original poster
username567 · 11/07/2019 17:39

@Amibeingdaft81 I'm sorry? Why is it fiction?

OP posts:
Sosayi · 11/07/2019 17:43

Have you got a HA or Council property if you do your crazy to give that up and go into rented property

Cornball · 11/07/2019 17:46

Moot point, unplanned pregnancies can just happen regardless of contraception, hence the term.

Just an FYI... Condoms are 98% effective with perfect use, in real life they're 85% effective. The pill is 99.7% effective with perfect use, typical use makes them about 91% effective. So actually statistically the pill is better and people have no problem with someone using only condoms so OP is perfectly normal in using just the pill, most of the women I know in the pill don't use condoms BECAUSE they're on the pill!

Still moot thought isn't it, because OP is already pregnant..?

I'd pack up and call it a day OP you're going to do what you think is best, this tread won't change that apart from maybe throw some guilt in the mix. Talk to someone who supports you in real life, you'll get much better guidance there

MyGastIsFlabbered · 11/07/2019 17:48

The thing I've noticed from these boards is that whenever an OP asks about moving in with a partner, if they've got children the response is always 'no'. According to the collective MN mind us single parents should live like nuns until the children have left home.

Apologies if I sound narky, I've been on the receiving end of this and seen it way too much recently.

Original poster
username567 · 11/07/2019 17:57

And apologies if I've been too defensive for an AIBU thread, but in my head, I've every second of every day for 2.5 years being the best mum I can be, having sleepless nights and worried days overthinking about whether I'm doing everything right for DS, I spend all of my time with him without so much as going out because he's at nursery all week when I've worked my ass off as a single parent to be able to create the most secure, cosy and stable home possible when I didn't have much, I've deliberated on every single person (including my friends) introduced to him, I've met someone after 3 years who I didn't expect to meet, clicked instantly, communicated thoroughly, had massive confidence in from the start and had nothing but green flags and (very unexpectedly!) got pregnant and spent the next few months since stressing every single day as to how to go about the situation to make it as easy a transition as possible and keep everything stable and secure and happy while including the big adjustments.

It's not a pity thing. I just know I'm a very good mum who puts so much thought every single day from when I was pregnant into giving DS the most secure and happy life and upbringing and I'm being spoken to like I'm some idiot who got knocked up by some randomer for my DS (it wasn't!), and then have given him an unstable home and brought people in and out and then met some randomer who's 'clearly' going to make things go wrong or be abusive or not consider his own kids etc and carelessly got pregnant and now I just might move him in for the sake of it!

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 11/07/2019 17:58

I feel very sorry for your child. Honestly I can't even be bothered to advise you. You will remember this thread and wish you'd listened I know that much.

Forensicpsych · 11/07/2019 17:58

My heart hurts thinking about doing this to my 2 and a half year old boy. Your poor son.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 11/07/2019 17:59

How often does he see his existing children? How far away are they from him?

Amibeingdaft81 · 11/07/2019 18:00

Keep telling yourself that OP

If that’s your version of a safe secure childhood - and the child is actually more of a baby, then I won’t tell you what my version is. Because you will see how far removed you are from it. And I’m not alone in thinking this, as this thread indicates

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 11/07/2019 18:05

Why on earth would you overthink introducing your child to your friends?

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