To move DP into mine and DS' home?

[username567]

Not sure of the responses I'll get here.

I've been a single parent since DS was born (he's 2.5), so I got a little home for us when he was born to rent and made it a secure and loving place and always loved the fact that it's just ours.

Met DP and got (very unexpectedly) pregnant within the first few months. We have always intended to move in together before DC2 arrives but it'll be more towards when I'm 32ish weeks so that it wasn't too soon for DS and that's when we'd have savings for deposit and furnishings (as my home was already majoritively furnished) to move in somewhere.
That was always the plan as I thought it'd be better for DS to have this as our home and then move into a new home and have it as us 3 and a new babies home and have it be a bit more time.

Now I'm rethinking and I'm not sure if it's just because of stress.
DS and DP get along great. DP interacts really well with him, DS wants to see him more than me at the minute and he's got a crazy attachment to me!

Should I leave it as the original plan or should I move DP in to our original home in the month or two before we find another home? Would that be easier for everyone? Would it make it harder for DS to have never lived with DP and then have big adjustments including first new home and a new sibling and DP suddenly living there? Would it be hard on me and DP to have never lived together before (somewhere where I'm familiar with all arrangements) and then suddenly have to pay to furnish a home, deposits, rent and manage finances together off the bat? Should it be more eased in?

I'm not sure what's best! I'm just never sure of moving someone into mine and DS's home, I worry that the security he should have there is just me and him.

You've been the best Mum you can be for 2.5 years. I'm sorry but that was the easy part and it all counts for very little with the upheaval you are about to introduce. This could be alleviated by NOT moving house just yet and NOT letting this bloke move in. That would be the right way to handle it but I just don't think you're going to do it like that are you?

In your situation, I wouldn't have continued with the second pregnancy. Far too much too soon, but that is me not you.

in my head, I've every second of every day for 2.5 years being the best mum I can be

Every mum does this, you still have over 15 years to go. You don't do 2.5 years then get a free "move a man in" card.

The advice is to wait and see. That is good advice. Your relationship is too new and you really dont know this man. Anyone can keep up a good front for a year or so.

The thing is, kids are remarkably resilient and adaptable at 2.5 years old. I left my ex when DS2 was that age and he's remarkably well-adjusted, much more so than DS1 who was 5.

In an ideal world obviously all of us would only ever have children with perfect partners but this isn't an ideal world. Couples split up. I'm sure the OP didn't intend to fall pregnant so quickly, but it's happened and now she's trying to do what's best for everyone.

I'm sorry you're getting such a pasting OP. Good luck.

I'm sorry if it seems harsh but I still think to wait it out a bit. Having a baby is a huge upheaval for everyone and it can be tough on even the strongest of relationship. Having that with moving in together which is often stressful as the annoying habits can creep out the woodwork is a recipe for disaster (not to mention other people's children's annoying habits!)

People are not saying wait because they want your relationship to fail, they're saying wait because they don't!

@Cornball

If a pregnancy would be as much of a disaster in the life of a very young child as this one is, then yes, at least 2 methods of contraception should be used - can you really not see that?

If the OP's partner really wanted to do the right thing by OP and her DS, he would have been doing everything possible to prevent a pregnancy.

It is so saddening how casually people treat the lives of children. The poor DS in all of this.

OP, I'm bowing out of this thread now, but I really suggest you have some counselling - you deserve better than this, perhaps access some help to set your bar a bit higher?

Good luck

We don't know your DP but if you have confidence that he is a loving parent to his DC and will look after all of you then take the plunge.

It sounds as though you have looked at all the issues involved

I think the situation is even worse now you have mentioned he already has two DC. They are also over five so have far better understanding of the situation than your toddler DS. He needs to consider them first before he rushes in head first, as do you.

If you separate and the house is in joint names, he may choose to be difficult and not leave. You also need to consider paying rent and bills if you split until benefits kicked in (they take a while now under the UC system).

You have known him less than a year. You could move in together and absolutely hate each other. Moving in is always a huge step and shouldn’t be taken lightly, particularly with young children in the picture.

@MyGastIsFlabbered I left my ex when DS2 was that age and he's remarkably well-adjusted, much more so than DS1 who was 5.

Exactly. The OP’s DP has two children over the age of five. This changes everything imo.

Leaving a man out of it, a new baby is a big change for a 2 year old, and you can expect some issues there. I get that it looks easier to have someone move in, but its a lot of change for the child, especially if you add in moving house and extra children.

I know the advice thrown about on here is to just dump someone's belongings outside and change the locks if they don't move out, but in practice that's not an easy thing to do (especially since they know where you live and can kick your door in). So you need to think long and hard about what you do if it all goes wrong and he won't move out. Words are cheap at this stage where he has something to gain. A decent man will be prepared to move at your pace, when you're comfortable with it.

Can we not give OP and her partner some credit for considering the implications on their children prior to starting this thread? I'm sure neither of them is undertaking this lightly and they know their children far better than a group of internet strangers.

Why the mad rush?

If he is the man you say he is, and you all have this wonderful bond then there's no reason to hurry, is there?

Because regardless of living arrangements he'll be there come what may.

Notice that nobody here has suggested ending the relationship. Nobody. They're just advising you to slow down.

There is literally no good reason to continue rushing ahead at this pace.

The problem with charging off with life changing decisions (for all of you) is that it denies you the chance to properly reflect and process it all. Rushed decisions are rarely our best decisions.

Obviously you can't slow the pace of your pregnancy down, but you absolutely can slow everything else down to a more sustainable pace. Bonds are built with time, shared experience, shared understanding. You can be attached to someone quickly, but it's not the same as a true bond and knowledge of someone developed over time. That cannot be rushed.

If the bond between your son and partner has become so strong in six or seven months then I am sure your partner rates your son's needs much higher than his own desires to share a home with a baby.

You don't need to share a home with another person to share your life with them. Keep the stable foundation and build upon it, don't rip it all up and try to build a future on rubble.

Focus on nurturing the relationships that have begun in the last 9 or so months. Everything else - moving, combining finances, becoming financially reliant on someone else, taking on a bigger property with bigger costs, uprooting your son, living together for the first time - can wait.

You've got your whole lives to do those things. Why the hurry?

If you could actually afford the new place solo, then I would probably move in. It’s too soon and it’s a bit crazy, but those early newborn days are so hard. I don’t know how DD and I would have managed without DH there every minute as she was a high needs baby and I had a rough csection. We certainly would not have been successful breastfeeding.

I'd probably get flamed for this, but you should have had an abortion OP. Neither you nor your "dp" are ready to live together - you both have children from past relationships & his dont live with him atm. Adding all this together is like a bomb waiting to go off.

And before you say anything, I AM one of those single dads that has his children live with them 24/7. Aged 12,14& 15 they fell out with their mother when she moved in yet another man she had only known for a short while. Just this evening I have seen the devastation this upset & turmoil can wreak on young teenagers......massive arguments with them saying they have no love or trust from their mum

Just dont do it.

I'm confident in his interactions with DS and their bond and his parenting anyway

How long have you been going out and how long has your DS been aware of him?

I'd probably get flamed for this, but you should have had an abortion OP.

And so you should be.

I don’t think you’re getting a hard time here, OP. I think you are getting some very good advice from women who have been around the block and seen a thing or two in their time about vulnerable women and children. I hope you listen because it’s your son who is going to pay the price, not to mention the newborn you are bringing into the picture. It’s fairly clear you have already made up your mind though, which is a shame because I almost guarantee that one day you will wish you had a time machine to come back to this moment and un-make that decision.

@hadthesnip2 that's a fucking awful thing to say. How dare you tell anyone they should have had an abortion?

@Teddyreddy did you mean "angelic baby".

@MyGastIsFlabbered. Uncomfortable truth. Just because a women gets pregnant doesn't mean she has to go through with the birth.

The OP had not known this man long. She already had a son from another relationship. If I was her I would be thinking of my child who was already here & had gone through enough turmoil & bewilderment already in his short life.

And I talk from very bitter experience.

Agreed, nobody has to go through a pregnancy but it's their business and nobody else's. I think it's really distasteful to tell anyone they should have had an abortion. It's not like the OP is going to turn around, thank you for your wisdom and dive straight into Marie Stopes is she?

There’s no way I would be moving house or moving him in after just a year. It’s fine when it’s just the adult taking the risk but there is an existing child in this situation.

However there’s no way i would have ever had a baby in these circumstances given the time frame.

And I talk from very bitter experience.

Of what? Of not taking responsibility for your own fertility?

i didn't real all but did twitch slighty when i read the good old euphemism, top "fall" pregnant.

at the risk of stating the obvious, especially outside of wedlock/stable relationships, pregnancy is something that needs to be planned with the utmost care.

'falling' pregnant in this fashion is, whilst no means a guarantee, a pretty good first step for your kids, later in life ,'falling' into all sorts of unpleasant things.

@Reith. No. The bitter experience I'm talking about is about neglecting your child over a new man.

My 3 kids now live with me after their mum moved a new boyfriend in after just 6 months of knowing him. They are 12,14& 15 and wanted her to put them first......bit her sexual needs. Just this evening my eldest had an hour long chat kn the phone to his mum and she told him she was moving away from the area as her "dp" cant find anywhere local too live. Obviously she had to move with him & not stay local to her 3 kids(that she now hardly sees) & the new area they are moving to is about 40 mins by train.....(she doesn't drive).

@hadthesnip2 so your argument is that your ex should have aborted your three children and then you wouldn't all be in this situation now? And that's why you're advising the OP in this manner?