To move DP into mine and DS' home?

[username567]

Not sure of the responses I'll get here.

I've been a single parent since DS was born (he's 2.5), so I got a little home for us when he was born to rent and made it a secure and loving place and always loved the fact that it's just ours.

Met DP and got (very unexpectedly) pregnant within the first few months. We have always intended to move in together before DC2 arrives but it'll be more towards when I'm 32ish weeks so that it wasn't too soon for DS and that's when we'd have savings for deposit and furnishings (as my home was already majoritively furnished) to move in somewhere.
That was always the plan as I thought it'd be better for DS to have this as our home and then move into a new home and have it as us 3 and a new babies home and have it be a bit more time.

Now I'm rethinking and I'm not sure if it's just because of stress.
DS and DP get along great. DP interacts really well with him, DS wants to see him more than me at the minute and he's got a crazy attachment to me!

Should I leave it as the original plan or should I move DP in to our original home in the month or two before we find another home? Would that be easier for everyone? Would it make it harder for DS to have never lived with DP and then have big adjustments including first new home and a new sibling and DP suddenly living there? Would it be hard on me and DP to have never lived together before (somewhere where I'm familiar with all arrangements) and then suddenly have to pay to furnish a home, deposits, rent and manage finances together off the bat? Should it be more eased in?

I'm not sure what's best! I'm just never sure of moving someone into mine and DS's home, I worry that the security he should have there is just me and him.

If we separate, it'd definitely be me and children staying in the new house (I thought this was a given in any split!). We did discuss that just in case but I assumed anyway!

I mean this very gently, but this just shows how deeply naive you are about your financial and housing security and why PPs have been going on about financial contributions and trying to work out what your name would be on.

Relationships change massively in the first year.

Pregnancy and childbirth changes relationships enormously

Pregnancy and childbirth is one of the major triggers for abuse, infidelity and general unhappiness

Not suggesting that your relationship will go that way, but putting added strain on the relationship doesnt seem smart.

You have a baby coming which is enough of an upheaval for you all.

I'd wait and see how things are 6 months after baby is here.

Breakups are much more difficult when you live together and you have a child to protect.

@lyralalala he's completely happy to put it in just my name.
I could afford it alone (as I do now).
And we've regularly discussed discipline etc.

I had originally said that I didn't want to move in when we had a newborn as it'd be too soon for DS, but DP is completely unhappy about not living with his new baby, and it seems unfair to be still claiming government help when we have the means to afford it as a couple, and I'm confident in his interactions with DS and their bond and his parenting anyway.

Maybe I'm being naive and unrealistic though

I would try to manage with your current home for a few months to see if you can make it as a family unit. You do not want to move and find you cannot live together or afford to keep your new home.

I hope it all works out and that you'll be a happy family unit.

We did discuss that just in case but I assumed anyway!
Never assume anything.
A split can bring out the very worst in people.
Don't take anything for granted.
Get it all in writing.

I'm going against the general consensus here.
I'd want to see what living with someone was like before we moved.
I'd want to make sure this was absolutely right for me and my DC.
He may be a horribly messy person.
He may have no idea how to clean or do laundry.
He may expect you to do all the 'womens work'
Find out before you move in together properly.

DP is completely unhappy about not living with his new baby

The cynic in me thinks this has a lot to do with the fact that you are financially up together, run what I expect is a lovely family home and he would have sex on tap as an added bonus.

@CatOnASwing I'm 100% confident it's not that. He's completely the domesticated one, and knows me well enough to laugh about it! he's just a very hands on and caring dad and his first and foremost priority!

So if things went wrong with your new relationship, you would have to move out of the house you're planning to share together?

If I were you, I'd stay put and hold off on any moves that make you reliant on your partner for now.

If you are determined to combine your living arrangements with your partner's then I would stay somewhere that you can afford and manage by yourself if need be.

While I see the other posters' points about financial independence - if your DP doesn't move in (or stay there all the time which is effectively the same thing), then you are going to spend a lot of time parenting a 2 year old and a newborn by yourself. Unless you have an angel baby, that's going to be hard going - and not good for your DS either.

How often does your DP stay with you now? Could you have a trial month or two where he stays most nights while keeping his own place to see how smoothly living together goes?

@CharityConundrum nope, I've said I'd stay there and that current home would be too small

Sorry - things all moved on while I was reading! Would you be able to afford the new place on your own? If so, then I suppose having it in just your name so that you are financially sorted would be preferable and you will just have to see how the rest of it goes!

Keep living separately. And get yourself on some better contraception since you seem to fall PG 'unexpectedly' very easily.

Far too soon for all of this. Your DS needs stability not a new father figure you’ve only known a short time.

I'm 100% confident it's not that. He's completely the domesticated one, and knows me well enough to laugh about it! blush he's just a very hands on and caring dad and his first and foremost priority!

I think my point is that given the short amount of time you've been with this man, you can't possibly know this 100%.

When there is so much at stake in terms of the wellbeing of your DS, its too much of a risk to take.

I'll be honest here and suggest that the fact you think you can possibly know someone 100% after less than a year together indicates poor judgement on your part. It might also go some way to explaining why you had a DS to a man who has no involvement in his life.

I'm sorry to be so direct, but your DS needs you to be as risk-averse as you can possibly be.

@CatOnASwing I don't think you can ever know someone 100%, but I think when you've watched their parenting for a year and had conversations daily about it etc etc that you can be fairly confident that they wouldn't just want to live with their baby for more sex and a nice cooked meal?
His reaction to not living with his newborn is the same as if you told a mum she shouldn't live with her newborn!

And I didn't once clarify that DS's dad has no involvement with him.

I'd wait until new baby is at least 6 months old.

Who has he been patenting for the past however long? Does he have dc himself?

@DtPeabodysLoosePants yes.

Op, it's ultimately up to you, and I get the feeling that you're not really taking on board the comments that people are making.

This is a bad idea, on many levels and it is your DS who will suffer if/when it all goes wrong with the new bloke.

I just fear you will be back in a couple of years posting a tale of woe on the relationships board, all of which is totally preventable if you act carefully now.

There is no downside at all to waiting - and as a net contributing taxpayer, I for one am quite happy to see you continue to receive benefits as a single person to allow you the time and space to see if this new relationship has legs or not.

Are his dc moving in too? What about their needs? What do they think about things?

OP: AIBU?

Everyone: Yes YABU.

OP: No I'm not

How old are his dc? How far away are they? Do they stay with him?

I've just checked back and not once have you mentioned his existing dc. That speaks volumes about both him and you that they are not relevant to this decision. I assume by the lack of mention that they don't live with him? Why is he happy to live apart from them but not his child with you? How will his dc feel about you all playing happy families? My exH did this to our DDs. It's been 6 years and the resentment is increasing rather than dissipating. They feel replaced by the new dc. They are t his priority because the dc he lives with come first as do his gfs kids. Think carefully.

You haven’t known him long and are not married therefore you can't assume anything with regards to what would happen if you split
You are much more secure in a house in your name only as if it’s in his name you have no rights and in joint names you can’t make him leave
Hopefully everything will turn out fine but for now it’s much better for you and your child to have a place where he only stays as a guest

I'm assuming that you are are not new to Mumsnet and therefore had read the countless posts of (almost exclusively) women who are in this position, move in and it goes to hell.

The fact you asked shows you must be sensible to the fact it's not completely straightforward.

You are pregnant, after being with someone for less than a year, with a 2.5 year old toddler. You therefore got into a a seriously relationship, introduced them to your toddler almost immediately and got pregnant withing a very short space of time.

You are vulnerable.

If you move in with him, to a new place where you both take on the tenancy in joint names, and are unmarried, and give up your benefits you are in a terribly insecure position. Those are facts. Unless you are independently wealthy (which you aren't because you claim benefits (good - that's what they're there for)) you will become dependent on him.

Look - for me this is just a 'no'. I wouldn't have a child with someone in this situation because I grew up in it and it was shit.

But you are, so be very cautious. A year is nothing, especially when there's been loads of 'stuff' going on. It takes ages to really know someone, and I wouldn't take risks until I knew someone really well and how they deal with the 'normal'.