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Original poster

Do I need to find someone else?

103 replies

Imnotsureanymore · 11/07/2019 09:39

I've been with DP (both 24) for 2 years but I've know him for around 6. We were friends before and got together at the end of university. I am from the North East and DP is from the South East. After uni, I moved to a city for work which was around 45 minutes from DP who was working and living at home. After getting tired of a flatshare, and my job being long hours, DP agreed that I should move to his hometown and find work in a similar sector- I loved this idea. Dp and I earn the same amount.

I found a great flat, job and although it was very expensive, DP said once he finished his short course he would move in. I didn't worry about the finances too much because thought DP would move in. The rent is exactly half my wages so it is tight.

Dp moved in and things seemed to be going very well. The flat was lovely and we often had friends round socialising. After six weeks of living together, DP who had been saying how great it was, moved out when I was on a work-trip. I came home to the flat empty without his stuff. I was devastated as at the time I had no idea, we were chatting on the phone all lovey dovey with no mention of moving out. It was very cowardly IMO.

We've managed to stay together but its been tough. DP now has hundreds of pounds a week to himself living together while I'm scrimping and barely have 10.00 left a week to live on after bills are paid. I'm trying my hardest to not be resentful but its very tricky. The relationship overall is quite good, we have a lot of trips together and days out and it's very lovey but these are always paid 50/50 with me having to borrow money a lot of the time.

If I discuss my worries with DP, he just says can't you get a better paid job-or move back into a flatshare. His mum also said to me the other day that I should be more gentle with him as he struggles with his worries! Even though she's a SAHM and does everything for him- ironing, cleaning, cooking etc. I've asked him if he thinks he will ever move back in and he just shrugs and says could be three months, could be two years?

Am I just wasting my time? Sorry for the long post and the rant

OP posts:
RushianDisney · 11/07/2019 09:43

I wouldn't waste anymore time on such a manbaby, he won't change. Clearly he doesn't give a shit how hard things are for you financially despite pushing for you to move near him and change jobs etc. If I were you I'd be moving into a houseshare and cutting loose the boyfriend. You are young, don't waste your best years scrimping for his benefit.

colourlessgreenidea · 11/07/2019 09:43

Am I just wasting my time?

Yes. Run far, and run fast.

NataliaOsipova · 11/07/2019 09:44

It was very cowardly IMO.

Indeed it was. He’s shown you the man he is....believe him. You sound lovely and you’re so young; sounds to me like you could do so, so much better.

Patroclus · 11/07/2019 09:46

Yeah you should go but why do you need 'somebody else'?

Divgirl2 · 11/07/2019 09:47

This isn't a man, never mind a man you want to be with long term.

Stop sinking any more time in to this and find someone who respects you. A relationship is not a hobby.

Rachelover40 · 11/07/2019 10:41

He sounds very immature and is behaving unfairly. What excuse did he give you for moving out while you were away? That must have been such a shock.

7yo7yo · 11/07/2019 10:46

Fucking hell! Lucky escape! Why would you still want to be with him??

Annasgirl · 11/07/2019 10:47

Well to answer your question you don't need to find someone else - you just need to get this twat out of your life. Move back to the big city - or change job and move to an even bigger and better city, find a place you can afford to live and live your life. You are 24 and if you were my DD I would be on the train to get you moved I would be so keen to get you to move on with your life.

I really do not know what possessed you to continue a relationship with a boy who left you high and dry, I mean if you were married and he walked out would you be happy to stay married and live in different houses? No, so why should living with him be any different? He is not committed to you or this relationship and you are totally wasting the best years of your life. You have the MN permission to move on.

MindyStClair · 11/07/2019 10:48

I’m a very forgiving person, but that is truly awful behaviour; I wouldn’t even want to speak to someone again if they left me in the lurch like that. You are 100% wasting your time if you spend another minute with him.

Practically, how long is your lease, is his name on it or just you? Could you find a flatmate to help with the expenses?

SamStephens · 11/07/2019 10:48

There’s nothing “D” about him. Move on. Can you imagine a real future with such a man child? How would you ever trust any big life decisions with him financially? Bullet dodged, let his mummy have him.

brainfrying · 11/07/2019 10:53

Please dump him he is taking you for a mug. I can't believe he thinks it's ok to just stick you with all the bills and think that this is ok. He is happily saving his money and will one day have a deposit for a mortgage but everything will be in his name and you won't have anything or he'll just be happy living with mummy forever. Dump him and move away to where you want to live.

Nautiloid · 11/07/2019 10:55

Sounds like he's found the big wide world a bit too much and moved back in where it's less scary. I get that and, had I not been married by that age, I might have done the same for a while.
BUT he has prioritised himself over you. He ASKED you to move. He agreed the flat and he cares more about himself than about the financial situation he's put you in...a situation he so clearly couldn't cope with himself.
He won't share anything with you. He was cowardly enough to be all lovey dovey while you were away and SECRETLY MOVE OUT.
This isn't a partner.
He won't change while he's got his mum and you both looking after him and pandering to his every whim.
You don't need someone else at this point.
You need to break up with him, give notice on your flat and plan where you want to live and what you want to do.

Justbreathing · 11/07/2019 10:57

GET THE FUCK OUT NOW.
why on God’s wholy earth would you want to be with this person.
And you do know that you’re the woman he uses until he finds someone else he prefers.

Meowington · 11/07/2019 11:00

I would go no contact with him and move on with my life. He’s got you right where he wants you and that’s not OK!

I’d be furious!!

pictish · 11/07/2019 11:01

So the move was your idea...but he just up and moved out with no warning?

I mean yeah, maybe he felt a bit cornered into a moving-in-together scenario by you wanting to move to his town...but that does not excuse the cowardice by which he extricated himself. Just moving out on the sly was terrible. I’d be scunnered by that one and his appeal would undoubtedly nosedive as a result. All respect would be lost and I simply couldn’t bring myself to bestow affection on a partner who had treated me this way. Game over.

pictish · 11/07/2019 11:03

Can I ask...what did he say by way of explanation for this sudden flit?

DoneLikeAKipper · 11/07/2019 11:04

How did you not dump him when he moved out like that? Are you mad? Sorry but how did you ever think this was going to be a healthy relationship in the future, or not see him for the manchild he very evidently is?

He won’t change. A friend of mine was in a similar situation, but they lived with his mum for a few months before getting a flat together. Within a few weeks of moving out he started behaving awfully (used to mummy doing it all) before eventually being caught chatting up other women on social media. He then had the tenacity to blame said friend for his behaviour - apparently it was the stress of having to live away from home that made him do it Hmm. She actually had the sense to dump him, he immediately moved back in with Mummy (who obviously excused his behaviour), and as far as I’m aware he’s still there now - years later I might add.

TripleASays · 11/07/2019 11:07

I'd move on tbh, OP. After moving out like that, I am not sure that I could continue with the relationship.

cakewench · 11/07/2019 11:11

Please, move on. He's going to be at home for several years at this rate and it's going to take a monumental act to get him out. You're essentially paying to be in this relationship given that you wouldn't live there if it weren't for him, and are incurring high monthly outgoings as well. His cowardly move out tells me a lot about his character, as well.

Just the entire situation is wrong for you, and lovely and easy for him. He's not growing up anytime soon. I'd leave him to be someone else's problem.

Fcukthisshit · 11/07/2019 11:17

I’d get yourself a lodger to help out with the bills. A fit one. And bin off the coward. You can do better than someone who treats you like that.

Opossooom · 11/07/2019 11:20

What a twat. Fuck him off your totally and completely wasting your time. He sounds like a child!

Bluntness100 · 11/07/2019 11:21

Jesus , he moved out without telling you and you're still with him?

What a big baby, Don't you want a relarionship with a grown up?

Couldn't be doing with that myself. It would give me the ick.

foreverhanging · 11/07/2019 11:26

God op, at 24 I would be running far far away.

pictish · 11/07/2019 11:32

You are 24. Believe me when I say this; you do not need to settle for a man who ups and leaves you in the shit without so much as a cheery-bye.
Perhaps he’s not ready for a live-in relationship but his method of dealing with it was appalling! Utterly self-centred and what’s more, to your detriment!
He is not worth the sacrifice. Do not become a victim of the sunken cost fallacy. You don’t have to hang on in there and see it through because of what you’ve already invested. He didn’t. Don’t mug yourself!

Disco3000 · 11/07/2019 11:32

Find someone else more worthy of your time and attention.

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