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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I need to find someone else?

103 replies

Imnotsureanymore · 11/07/2019 09:39

I've been with DP (both 24) for 2 years but I've know him for around 6. We were friends before and got together at the end of university. I am from the North East and DP is from the South East. After uni, I moved to a city for work which was around 45 minutes from DP who was working and living at home. After getting tired of a flatshare, and my job being long hours, DP agreed that I should move to his hometown and find work in a similar sector- I loved this idea. Dp and I earn the same amount.

I found a great flat, job and although it was very expensive, DP said once he finished his short course he would move in. I didn't worry about the finances too much because thought DP would move in. The rent is exactly half my wages so it is tight.

Dp moved in and things seemed to be going very well. The flat was lovely and we often had friends round socialising. After six weeks of living together, DP who had been saying how great it was, moved out when I was on a work-trip. I came home to the flat empty without his stuff. I was devastated as at the time I had no idea, we were chatting on the phone all lovey dovey with no mention of moving out. It was very cowardly IMO.

We've managed to stay together but its been tough. DP now has hundreds of pounds a week to himself living together while I'm scrimping and barely have 10.00 left a week to live on after bills are paid. I'm trying my hardest to not be resentful but its very tricky. The relationship overall is quite good, we have a lot of trips together and days out and it's very lovey but these are always paid 50/50 with me having to borrow money a lot of the time.

If I discuss my worries with DP, he just says can't you get a better paid job-or move back into a flatshare. His mum also said to me the other day that I should be more gentle with him as he struggles with his worries! Even though she's a SAHM and does everything for him- ironing, cleaning, cooking etc. I've asked him if he thinks he will ever move back in and he just shrugs and says could be three months, could be two years?

Am I just wasting my time? Sorry for the long post and the rant

OP posts:
Rosielily · 11/07/2019 13:10

Find yourself before you find another man.

Did you have any gut instincts prior to him moving out?

I wonder if his mother knew +/or encouraged him to leave you?

You will look back at this one day soon and realise what a lucky escape you've had.

Good luck! 😀

AlwaysCheddar · 11/07/2019 13:11

Another vote to leave him!!!

Original poster
Imnotsureanymore · 11/07/2019 15:39

Sorry for the lack of update- i've been driving for hours for work.

  1. He basically said that he felt overwhelmed and he had no other choice. He moved out when I wasn't home as didn't want to upset me (which makes no sense as I'd find out anyways). Parents supported his decision and even cleaned out his part of the flat- only to invite me for a roast a week later (bizarre).
  1. I'm obviously not going to rush into a new relationship- when I said someone else, I meant ending this one and finding something else. The reason I haven't left him is because a lot of the time we do get on very well but that doesn't undo the damage.
OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 11/07/2019 15:56

Dump. His. Ass. Like, now. In fact, treat him as he treated you; just up and leave, without telling him. I cannot believe you even carried on after that point, to be honest.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 11/07/2019 15:57

On the point of the parents, you don't know what he has told them.

pictish · 11/07/2019 16:09

Yes you need to find someone else...or rather, you don’t have to...but this guy isn’t your One.

pictish · 11/07/2019 16:10

By that I mean you don’t have to have a man for the sake of it, at all.

PooWillyBumBum · 11/07/2019 16:14

Find a job in another city, a room in a flatshare and enjoy being young, free and beautiful.

Move on. Even if he comes back, won’t you always be worried, knowing what he’s capable of?

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2019 16:14

And - he's left you in the financial shit and he still expects you to pay half when you go out?

What a prince!

Justbreathing · 11/07/2019 16:21

Is his name on the lease too/ bills? Council tax?
If so I would take him to the small claims court. He can’t just walk out and not pay! I mean WTAF

nobreakfastforme · 11/07/2019 16:24

This isn't a man who cares about you op. Don't get anymore involved. He will not be your life partner.

ALadyofLetters · 11/07/2019 16:27

Find a job in another city, a room in a flatshare and enjoy being young, free and beautiful.

This with bells on!!! Don’t waste your time!

NeatFreakMama · 11/07/2019 16:29

Yikes he seems like a kid and moving out without talking to you first is so disrespectful. I would be fuming and unable to move on from it personally. It shows he is thinking about himself and not you guys as a couple.

notapizzaeater · 11/07/2019 16:29

I'd move out of the area and start living again. 😊

He's a coward and shown his true colours

Orangeballon · 11/07/2019 16:31

Move away from Mummies boy, he missed the home comforts, he will never move back in with you.

MissConductUS · 11/07/2019 16:34

1. He basically said that he felt overwhelmed and he had no other choice. He moved out when I wasn't home as didn't want to upset me (which makes no sense as I'd find out anyways).

It makes no sense because it's not true. He probably met someone else he fancies and wants to pursue, which he obviously can't do while living with you.

The reason hardly matters. If living with you "overwhelms" him to the point where he has to sneak out he's not a fit partner for you or any other woman.

mussolini9 · 11/07/2019 16:36

We've managed to stay together but its been tough. DP now has hundreds of pounds a week to himself living together while I'm scrimping and barely have 10.00 left a week to live on after bills are paid. I'm trying my hardest to not be resentful but its very tricky.

JEEEZE.
OP, you go right ahead & feel resentful. While you're there, kick this loser to the kerb. He's a selfish, needy little arsehole who wants his mummy to do his washing & pay his bills for him.

You, however, have pulled off a Uni degree, a move to a new city, sorting out a home, & when he ditched on HIS share of that responsibility without any notice or consideration, have shouldered 100% of the financial burden.

A young woman as capable as you can easily sort out a new room-mate to alleviate the financial pressure - asap. As soon as you've done that, tell yourself how much you have already achieved, & how much more you are going to do with your life now you are no longer encumbered by a ludicrous, cowardly man-child.

Go you!!!! x

underthebridgedowntown · 11/07/2019 16:39

He behaved despicably. You, to your credit (and perhaps naivety) have tried to move past this and continue your relationship, but you cannot get over this betrayal. This in itself is a good reason to break up with someone - sometimes it is just too hard to continue. But now he's minimising your concerns, and coming up with "solutions" which were exactly the reasons you moved in the first place. Move on, he is not worth your time. I'm sorry he was such as arse to you.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 11/07/2019 16:39

Option 1: Tell him to fuck off and find a flatmate.
Option 2: Tell him to fuck off, find a new, cheaper flat
Option 3: Tell him to fuck off, find a new job in the city, move back to the city.

There are probably lots of other options, but honestly, OP, this man is an utter dick.

Wafflecopter · 11/07/2019 16:41

Jesus. Yes, dump him and move to somewhere cheaper.
Sadly when someone makes mistakes like this it can feel really hard to go back and say ‘I was wrong’ especially as when they’re so far from home.

For me his moving out and making excuses would have been it, you deserve a hundred times better!
Good luck OP.

Shoxfordian · 11/07/2019 16:43

I'm amazed you even stayed together, he moved out when you were away and left you totally in the lurch for all the bills. What a selfish shitbag. Ltb

BlueThesaurusRex · 11/07/2019 16:45

Please update us OP when you’ve finally dumped him Grin

You’re 24, no ties, the world is at your feet! Go out and do what you want. Live where you want and work where you want.

I’m serious about the update!

Ayemama · 11/07/2019 16:46

I don't know how you could get over him moving out in secret and leaving you in a wreck of a financial situation.

Never put yourself in debt because of a man.

Chalk it up to experience and maybe down the line you could stay friendly but I think he made his stance clear when he talked you into somewhere you can't afford yourself and then left you to struggle with it on your own because he's not grown up enough to not have his mum looking after him.

weekfour · 11/07/2019 16:47

I'll bet he comes to your flat for a shag, doesn't he? Won't be doing that at mummy's house!

Move on. Don't waste the best years on some loser.

FaithInfinity · 11/07/2019 16:47

He says he didn’t want to upset. That’s bull! He just didn’t want to face telling you, far easier for him to move out while you weren’t there (like a coward). My friend’s ‘partner’ did something similar, left her struggling to cope financially and moved home. She stayed with him, only for him to dump her in an awful way. Don’t let yourself end up like that! He doesn’t want an adult relationship!

What are your circumstances like? Are you still tied to a lease? Do you have a spare room? If yes to both, I’d get a lodger. If you’re not in a lease, I’d cut my losses and move away.