Do I need to find someone else?

[Imnotsureanymore]

I've been with DP (both 24) for 2 years but I've know him for around 6. We were friends before and got together at the end of university. I am from the North East and DP is from the South East. After uni, I moved to a city for work which was around 45 minutes from DP who was working and living at home. After getting tired of a flatshare, and my job being long hours, DP agreed that I should move to his hometown and find work in a similar sector- I loved this idea. Dp and I earn the same amount.

I found a great flat, job and although it was very expensive, DP said once he finished his short course he would move in. I didn't worry about the finances too much because thought DP would move in. The rent is exactly half my wages so it is tight.

Dp moved in and things seemed to be going very well. The flat was lovely and we often had friends round socialising. After six weeks of living together, DP who had been saying how great it was, moved out when I was on a work-trip. I came home to the flat empty without his stuff. I was devastated as at the time I had no idea, we were chatting on the phone all lovey dovey with no mention of moving out. It was very cowardly IMO.

We've managed to stay together but its been tough. DP now has hundreds of pounds a week to himself living together while I'm scrimping and barely have 10.00 left a week to live on after bills are paid. I'm trying my hardest to not be resentful but its very tricky. The relationship overall is quite good, we have a lot of trips together and days out and it's very lovey but these are always paid 50/50 with me having to borrow money a lot of the time.

If I discuss my worries with DP, he just says can't you get a better paid job-or move back into a flatshare. His mum also said to me the other day that I should be more gentle with him as he struggles with his worries! Even though she's a SAHM and does everything for him- ironing, cleaning, cooking etc. I've asked him if he thinks he will ever move back in and he just shrugs and says could be three months, could be two years?

Am I just wasting my time? Sorry for the long post and the rant

Run like fuck. Why would you stay with this fuck nugget?

Yeah, you should leave him. But why do you need someone else?

Moving out without telling you is a deal breaker imo.

It's clear he's prioritising himself above you.

I'd call it a day tbh.

Oh god, just get him gone!

Yes, you're wasting your time. As a PP said, let his mummy have him.

Spinelessness is such a turn-off.

He sounds completely selfish and expects you to do all the work. After all, in the nicest way possible, you have shown him that's what you'll do... he can do something as shitty as move out without telling you and know you'll stay with him.

That sounds blunt but I say it only from experience. My ex was the same. Knew he could treat me like shit and I'd just put up with it. Wasted 10 years with that fucker.

I think you need to find someone else... he's taking advantage of your good nature and clearly has mo interest in helping you out.

I would seriously be thinking of leaving.

What was his excuse for upping and leaving without even telling you? I’m honestly astonished you even stayed with him after doing such a thing. How awful! I can’t imagine how devastated you must’ve felt, such a cowardly idiot to not even mention it beforehand.

Please leave him. You’re only 24, you really don’t need to waste any more time on him. I’d personally return to the city and find a house share or somewhere with cheaper rent as well.

His DM is a SAHM to a 24 year old!?

Dump him. I can't believe you didn't dump him when he lied to you and moved out without telling you. He's a dick.

You don’t need to find “someone else”. In fact, it might be best that you don’t until you’ve worked through the self-esteem issues that prevented you from chucking this 12 stone infant instantly.

What reason did he give?

I love the idea of a SAHM to a 24 year old. 🤣

Oh wow.

You can do soooo much better. He's acting like a spoilt 13 yr old and his mummy is encouraging it. It's all very unhealthy and weird.

I'm amazed that you stuck with him after he secretly moved his stuff out. That's insane.

Get away from him. If you have a spare room then rent it out, otherwise I'd give your notice on the flat and go and live somewhere more affordable. Preferably far away from this man.

He’s proven to be unreliable, deceitful, cowardly and selfish just from your description in those few sentences. Time to go your separate ways : someone who watches you struggle when they are thriving at your expense shows a very ‘special” mindset indeed. Cut and run you are young and he is awful.

I would never forgive DH for this. What were his reasons ? He didn't enjoy being a grown up and missed his mummy?

By ‘someone else’ I assumed the OP meant a flatmate or lodger to help meet the bills.

Darling - you are young and obviously an independent woman. Please sack this loser off as soon as possible. He is not worth your time and energy.😘

Are you wasting your time?

Yes.

Can you even BE a SAHM to a 24 yr old grown up!?!?

Seriously OP, he's done you a favour. Don't worry about finding someone else, just sack this manchild off before you waste any more energy on him

A SAHM to a grown up, I've bloody well heard it all now....

I'm guessing that he still spend loads of time at YOUR place still though without paying anything for it?

He left you

You need to end this relationship now
He is NOT man enough

You deserve better

@ReadMyLipss
Yeah I bet that too. Just goes home to mums for washing and someone different to cook for him.

Sorry op. This is an overwhelming LTB.

So you’re scrimping and saving just to make the bills while he’s at home playing on his xbox while his mum cooks his dinner and washes his pants, and he’s putting £400 a month away? Run. He has shown you who he is. You don’t need a big man baby in your life.

My cousin had almost exactly the same thing happen. She moved in with her boyfriend and after living together seemingly happily for a few months one day out of the blue he told her he wanted her to move out and wasn't ready. They stayed together and SIX years later when they had bought a house together he did it again. Please, please don't waste your time with someone who has shown you their true colours. You're so young and don't want to be ten years down the line wishing you'd just walked away when you could.

Run

Your told to be gentle with him, but it's OK for him to be leaving you in financial and emotional trouble. You should have dumped him when he left.

Instead of finding someone else, I suggest you rent out a room, and work a little on your boundaries before finding someone else.

This is not meant to be harsh, but you are young. There will be others and hopefully better 😀.

Red flags agogo....

Don't be thr person who is saying.... We've been together 15 years... And tjr same thing happening over and over.

You deserve more

I'd struggle to be with someone who thought so little of me, that he thought it was acceptable to move out whilst I was away, and didn't have the common decency to discuss it with me first. He sounds like a first class idiot to me

You really have to raise your standards, OP. This man has behaved in a truly appalling way and you are putting up with it.

Just out of interest, now that he's no longer sharing your flat, how much time does he spend in it?