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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT return MILs calls?

153 replies

ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 22:25

PIL got back off holiday 2 days ago

Yesterday I received 3 missed calls and a voicemail saying she was calling for a chat and a catch up.

My DH has received NO missed calls!!

I made DH call her back, WIBU for not calling her back myself, despite the fact that she’s not even my mother!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 11/07/2019 19:55

They have nothing in common @MRex, nothing to ‘chat’ about

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 11/07/2019 19:58

We do have a relationship @legalseagull. But I am less of a nightmare as I am happily getting on with my life, leaving others to get on with theirs

OP posts:
Durgasarrow · 11/07/2019 20:00

Do people not get the idea that socializing is something that people do when both people want to do it? One person calling multiple times in a single day is not socializing. That is hounding.

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 11/07/2019 20:01

@legalseagull I’d write a similar post about my own dm if she called me all the time. Thankfully she doesn’t, she’s happily getting on with her own life and we catch up on text or visits... she too lives 3hrs away

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 11/07/2019 20:02

Not once @onanothertrain has my dm called my dh, in 15yrs. There’s never been a need to

OP posts:
cptartapp · 11/07/2019 20:05

I don't answer the phone when MIL calls, I leave it to answerphone and get DH to call them back and talk about the weather again

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 11/07/2019 20:06

Oh yes @Geminijes because you know me so well Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 11/07/2019 20:08

Oh I won’t @Teddybear45. In fact it’s usually me who arranges to meet up with mil and the dc without dh. Go figure.... I don’t like chatting on the phone, or being the default person to call. But I do like her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 11/07/2019 20:12

This is exactly the point of my thread @LannieDuck. Why call me, get no response, call me again an hr later with voice mail, get no response, call me again about 3 hrs later and again get no response? I’m in work! Dh is home with dc and he gets NO phone call, not one!

But some still think I’m a nightmare for complaining about it! 🤔

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 11/07/2019 20:38

One of the worst things you can do to someone nowadays is to phone them.

More and more people really don’t like it.

NoSauce · 11/07/2019 20:55

Maybe she likes you better than DH? If after 6 weeks away with not much contact I can only think it must be that, if like you say her call was just for a chat.

Motoko · 12/07/2019 02:20

@Chovihano You didn't answer my question. Why don't you ring your sons outside of their working hours? Don't you want to speak to them?

SummerInTheVillage · 12/07/2019 06:04

In your wonderful, kind, wonderfulness, you seem to have missed this.

I'm so glad you noticed how lovely I am. It would be awful to be a sarcastic cow, how it that for you?

Chovihano · 12/07/2019 06:20

sorry Motoko I missed your question. I speak to my sons daily, one is at home half the week and his partners the rest.
Sometimes they'll call me or one of their siblings or Dad.
Dh speaks to dils too, and ds's.
If we are busy we don't answer and will call back.
Dil lets me know what gd is up to, and I call and ask if she wants anything, when she was on maternity.
Should I ring ds to call her and ask her.
Some people have family values, that include extended family. They are close and also believe that on marrying you become part of your spouses family.
We don't have his and her work, wifework and husband work, we moved on from this in the 70's. I do as much DIY/ Maintenance as DH, he does as much housework and domestics as I do. Lots of backward looking folk on this thread. We are equal now, you know.

RonnieScotts · 12/07/2019 07:02

If it bothers you that much, why don't you gently suggest it to her next time you see her?

'If I'm at work and miss your call, you could always give DH a ring to arrange seeing him and the DC. I know he'd love to hear from you'

Your response confuses me tbh, I always wished my MIL showed a little more interest in me and tried to reach out to me. She only ever phones DH and has always politely tolerated me. I'd be delighted if I got a phone call as first priority!

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 12/07/2019 07:05

We are equal now, you know.

Oh my goodness, I believe you're serious Grin

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/07/2019 08:02

@No @Chovihano I wouldn't be happy with that at all.
If they aspect me to participate in an activity then it would be my husbands job to not confirm my attendance. Come and check with me and get back to whomever he was talking to.

It's not rocket science.

Chovihano · 12/07/2019 08:08

So you wouldn't be happy talking to your mil? Confused we must just have different values, that's fine.
I've already had several back and two calls with both dil this morning and no doubt my mil will want something soon, I will speak to her and then put her on to dh if he is here at the time.
My dh will call dil as well if there's any need. We are a close family who value each other.
I find it so sad that people don't talk to their extended family, obviously if there are good reasons like being nc I can understand this.

CocoLoco87 · 12/07/2019 08:16

My mum and mil both talk to me in the week through WhatsApp, even though neither me or DH can check our phones at work. AND for ease of communication, me & DH created a WhatsApp group with both sets of parents in it Shock so sometimes we tell them something and they all find out...at the same time! Grin 4 birds, 1 stone! tbf we all get on really well my DH is very tolerant

tinyvulture · 12/07/2019 08:25

I think it’s clear from this thread that there is no “one size fits all” best way for handling extended family communications. When I was married, my H worked from home, had loads of time to chat on the phone, so he would speak to my parents much more than I would. And his own too. Everyone was fine with that, and it made sense.

The OP works full time and while liking the MIL, doesn’t feel she has time to handle talking to her as much as her MIL seems to want. And actually her H has more time, so it would make more sense if he handled the bulk of the communications/making arrangements.
If you have a set-up that works for all in your family, whatever it is, that’s great. There isn’t a right or a wrong way to do it. But this isn’t working for OP, so she needs to find a solution,
The obvious and least hurtful one just seems to be to ask H to ring his mother more...,,,

Motoko · 12/07/2019 08:37

Well, Chovihano in your previous post, you made it sound like you only call your DILs, not your sons. What you've just described above, is different.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/07/2019 08:38

@Chovihano No I wouldn't. But she's been cut out for just over 2 years now but even before that I really didn't like her. She wasn't my problem and I had no obligations to her.

CacenCrunch · 12/07/2019 08:42

Does she use text messaging?
I would text - sorry I'm at work (or whatever) DH is home if you want to ring him, hope you had a nice holiday'. Give her a hint without being rude

Chovihano · 12/07/2019 08:44

Contraceptionismyfriend

I do understand that everyone can't get on with their ils, I know plenty who don't for valid reasons. Thanks However, those that do get on but refuse to talk because it's deemed as women's work need to get a grip, there's no such thing as women's work or mens work.

Motoko
I'm sorry if I wasn't clear.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 12/07/2019 08:45

There shouldn't be anything deemed women's work. But there is. And burying your head thinking it doesn't exist doesn't make it so.

Nobody who loves chatting to their MIL wont just to make a point.

But the expectation that as a wife a woman had the responsibility of communication and organisation pisses a lot of people off

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