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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT return MILs calls?

153 replies

ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 22:25

PIL got back off holiday 2 days ago

Yesterday I received 3 missed calls and a voicemail saying she was calling for a chat and a catch up.

My DH has received NO missed calls!!

I made DH call her back, WIBU for not calling her back myself, despite the fact that she’s not even my mother!!

OP posts:
daisyboocantoo · 10/07/2019 22:51

I feel your pain, and I will respond to every other message.

I also tell DH to CALL YOUR MOTHER!

With four kids to chase after and parents of my own go deal with, I do not have time for that as well.

NoSauce · 10/07/2019 22:52

Maybe you’re more fun to talk to, maybe he’s a bit boring Grin just stop answering her calls if it bugs you that much.

Whoops75 · 10/07/2019 22:53

It is wife work and anyone I know who does it bitches about it.

Singlenotsingle, you’re a dinosaur Grin

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 22:53

@Singlenotsingle we’ve been together 16yrs and have 2 primary age children. I had absolutely nothing to do with pil before dc were born as we live 4hrs away and have nothing in common.
The relationship built when the dc were born, we are in contact very often but it is always me! Who receives the calls/texts/requests to visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 22:55

@LucilleBluth I like chatting to her, and we have a good relationship but why does she always call me?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 22:56

@daisyboocantoo you’re on the exact same page as me

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 10/07/2019 22:56

Wow you are making this a feminist issue!!. Hmm

Singlenotsingle · 10/07/2019 22:57

AnnLovesGilbert - ha! Nothing to do with my parenting. I get hugs from DS when I see him. He's a very friendly person. But look at what NoSauce has said. And ds1 (the other one) is the most communicative person you could wish to meet!

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 22:59

I think I am @NoSauce! But I feel guilty if her call isn’t returned. My dh just isn’t that bothered to talk to her.

His dad is the same, they get on but they rarely speak as they don’t need to. Everyone is fine, no news is good news and all that.

OP posts:
RLOU30 · 10/07/2019 22:59

Can I call her ?😂 wish I had a mil or any grandparent other than my mum for that matter.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2019 23:00

Would DH know if it was ok for PILs to call round on Thursday at 6pm?

Since OP is probably at work or commuting and her husband works pt and more likely to be the adult at home then I expect he would...

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 23:01

I think it’s just something I’ve never been used to.

I have a great relationship with my dm and dsis but we can go months without talking yo eachother as we don’t need to!

OP posts:
Summertimeatthebeach · 10/07/2019 23:01

Maybe this will explain why....
She wants to know details, dh won't know any!

To NOT return MILs calls?
Singlenotsingle · 10/07/2019 23:03

Maybe I am a dinosaur Whoops but I'm a happy dinosaur! Grin

Tattyroro · 10/07/2019 23:04

Would DH know if it was ok for PILs to call round on Thursday at 6pm? Or whether you wanted to go for Sunday lunch next week? Would he have to refer to you for the answer?
Well of course he would need to check with her before making arrangements that involved her. Just as she would need to check with him. What is your point?

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 23:04

@Summertimeatthebeach that’s fab! But most likely the other way round in our house! It flipped once the kids got to about 3!

OP posts:
ilovepixie · 10/07/2019 23:05

I think it's lovely she wants to call you.

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 23:06

Yeah @Tattyroro I don’t understand that point either

OP posts:
Iwrotethissongfor · 10/07/2019 23:06

Agreed it’s wifework and a double standard. The sons choose not to communicate and not bothered about keeping In touch and the expectation is that once committed/married, the wife will also take the task on, spending her time and energy papering over the cracks in the mother/son relationship irrespective of all the other demands on their time. Actual son = permitted to make no effort absolutely fine. Daughter-in-Law = nasty bitch if not making time to speak and make all the arrangements.

NoSauce · 10/07/2019 23:07

Since OP is probably at work or commuting and her husband works pt and more likely to be the adult at home then I expect he would

You’d hope so wouldn’t you? Some men wouldn’t though and would have to refer to their wife to then get back to their mother. I think it’s unfair if a MIL is always mithering the wife regarding visits etc but if it’s just for a friendly chat I wouldn’t be too upset, better than some of things we read about on MN.

Original poster
ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 23:07

But why does she not want to call her own son @ilovepixie? We’re equally nice and able to chat

OP posts:
Original poster
ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 23:09

Totally agree @Iwrotethissongfor and it’s awful!
It’s
Also eye opening and something I will be bringing up with dh in the mirnig

OP posts:
NoSauce · 10/07/2019 23:11

Are you going to stop answering her calls then? I can’t see how else you’ll stop her ringing you.

Helendee · 10/07/2019 23:12

Maybe something happened that she wants to share with you and not her son?
Would it really hurt to give her five minutes of your time?

Justhavingacry · 10/07/2019 23:13

Yup - I feel the pain!
I have a 3 screen long txt from MIL from 3 days ago that I'm still processing.

Some days I would go home and fill DH in on the conversations/updates i'd had with his mother, father, sisters, an aunt or uncle, maybe one of his cousins thrown in for good measure
It drove me up the wall.

All the while managing the communications with my own mother, father, step mother, step father, brother, sister, grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends etc - not big stuff but wishing happy birthdays, checking in, Christmas plans etc.

In the end I said id be happy to deal with DHs family if he took over keeping in touch with mine.