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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT return MILs calls?

153 replies

ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 22:25

PIL got back off holiday 2 days ago

Yesterday I received 3 missed calls and a voicemail saying she was calling for a chat and a catch up.

My DH has received NO missed calls!!

I made DH call her back, WIBU for not calling her back myself, despite the fact that she’s not even my mother!!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2019 23:17

In the end I said id be happy to deal with DHs family if he took over keeping in touch with mine.

What did he say?

NormHonal · 10/07/2019 23:18

I stopped answering. Sometimes if I do answer I get “oh, I didn’t expect you to answer”. DH and I both work in jobs where we can’t answer our phones during the day. Why does she still call me and not him?!

In our case, DH/FIL would be a much more effective communication channel, as they can and do talk for hours about sport. But no, most social arrangements are still deemed wifework Hmm

Helendee · 10/07/2019 23:21

Is it really deemed abnormal to talk to your Mil then as I talk to mine once a week on the phone and regularly talk to my three Dils, and my sons as well!

Ginger1982 · 10/07/2019 23:21

@ScrambledToe I suppose all families are different. Like you I have a great relationship with my DM but I would find it weird to go months without talking to her.

Chovihano · 10/07/2019 23:21

This is really sad, I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks so.
In fairness though, my mil tries everyone and speaks to the first in the family that picks up.
It seems like people don't like their mil on here.
I better check with my dils that she doesn't mind me calling, I'm sure she doesn't. I can't always call my ds at work, as he is with clients. My other dc isn't allowed a phone out at work, so I call his partner too.
They are the friendly type though and have probably never thought or heard of the term wifework
You sound very unfriendly, I hope she does get round to caling her son, why don't you tel her how you feel and then she needn't bother with you again.

ilovepixie · 10/07/2019 23:23

But why does she not want to call her own son @ilovepixie? We’re equally nice and able to chat

Maybe she rings you as she's trying to make you feel welcome and part of her family.

greatvengeanceandfuriousanger · 10/07/2019 23:27

Yanbu.

I forward texts from MIL to DH if they are about arrangements. We get on well but I can't be arsed with wifework. I work many more hours than DH and work away occasionally and he needs to talk to his family more.

It happens in real life when we visit. It's almost like arrangements must be kept secret from the menfolk until the last possible moment. Same with presents for DC and their size (flame away) which their poor old father can't possibly be expected to know.

Of course we catch up about good time to go or have visits. I don't dictate whom can come and neither does dh.

PooWillyBumBum · 10/07/2019 23:28

My MIL speaks to my DH every day but I see her once a week and usually tell her all the news. I have no idea what they actually talk about because a) he never relays anything important to me, including invitations for the weekend or Big News and b) I’m always the first to mention he’s had a promotion or something similar. He’s trying to work on communication because it drives everyone barmy.

YANBU it would annoy me if MIL went straight to me every time! Am not the family secretary. Or at least am stubbornly resisting the post.

PantTwizzler · 10/07/2019 23:33

I get where you're coming from but...

Several years ago we got a phone call from MIL which we didn't pick up because she was a frequent caller and we were busy. She left the usual waffly phone message. A few days later she had died unexpectedly, in her early 60s. I still feel guilty about not picking up that call.

This doesn't directly apply to your situation -- but, please try to make the most of GPs while you still have them.

Whoops75 · 10/07/2019 23:33

You are not being unreasonable op
This doesn’t work for you, forget what others do.
I gave up wife work once my kids were old enough to notice. Took dh a while to step up but he’s done it and we’re all fine.
MIL has lots of people to talk to and most of her grandchildren have mobile phones.
No need for the calls it’s just a habit

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2019 23:43

I’m trying to imagine my mum calling DH three times to ask about our daughter and tell him about her holiday.

How many of you have mums who use your partners/husbands as the first port of call?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2019 23:45

She was ringing for a chat and a catch up which isn’t wifework imo, it’s being friendly.

But OP isn't chatty so it is wifework. Maintaining family relationships is work if you don't enjoy it!

It's circular. Women are chatty so chatting is expected so men don't have to do it so women do so they are socialized to be chatty so women are chatty...

DH maintains his own family relationships. He gets on with my DBro and I liked his mum so that's a chat. Everyone else connects with their own family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/07/2019 23:45

Sorry for your loss PantTwizzler I remember when after my gran died I found a letter I’d written her and forgotten to post and felt awful. But we can’t live our lives in fear of someone dying. It would be a recipe for chaos.

Yinyen · 10/07/2019 23:47

I find it amusing everyone blaming singlenotsingle on her son's perceived inadequacies but not her son's father.

Yinyen · 10/07/2019 23:48

...it's always the woman's fault....

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2019 23:50

Well we know she's sexist. No idea if her partner is.

AngelsOnHigh · 10/07/2019 23:52

I sometimes phone my DDIL before DS . Because when I phone him re arrangements etc. he invariably says I'll check with DW"'.

I can't see the point in going round in circles.

DDIL quite often sends me pics and messages from 6 month old DGS.
Always "Hi Grandma, this is what I'm doing today". Can we meet up on such and such a day.

DS will often randomly turn up with DCS for a couple of hours. Sometimes DDIL comes as well, sometimes not. (She loves the chance to go shopping.)

We all work full time, so time spent with each other is precious.

I guess all families need to work out the best way of communication without any family member feeling resentful .

OP, are you the only other female in the family? MIL just might enjoy chatting to another female in the family.

I love your analogy re you being just as uncommunicative as Mil's DS.

When my DS was about 12, I asked him to get me a Phillips head screwdriver. He came back with the wrong one.

His response was to ask me why I had automatically asked him to get it and expected him to know which one it was. He was 100% correct.

It didn't even occur to me to ask DD to get said screwdriver.

Yeahnahmum · 10/07/2019 23:53

Just return her call,tell her what you told us. Problem solved.

Stop being so petty. She mighy just enjoy talking to you over her son. But if you don't enjoy it then youve got to tell her that! But i guess rambling about it on MN is probably easier then actually doing something a about your problem. Hmm

But seriously, stop posting and start talking to mil. Fix your life. She might not even be aware that what you do bothers her Grin

ElevenSmiles · 11/07/2019 00:06

Wife work.....Makes me wonder how some ppl cope with life.

Howlovely · 11/07/2019 00:08

I have exactly the same with my mother in law. It drives me mad. We have absolutely nothing in common, nothing at all yet she's always phoning me. I find it stressful. I barely talk to my own mum on the phone! (Although we message almost daily). I remember when my baby was days old I'd have up to seven missed calls a day from her. It was the last thing I needed! She messaged my husband to tell him to tell me to send her more pictures of our baby. I said that I send him all the good ones so why can't he just send them to her. Apparently that's not good enough, they need to come from me. I asked if she harassed his sister's husband like this. I think it's so she can tell people that we have a good relationship (It's simply cordial, nothing more really) and that her daughter in law sends her lots of pictures, etc. She used to text me to tell me to text her daughter as it was her anniversary or birthday or whatever such nonsense, but has 'forgotten' my birthday every year. I used to care much more what she thought of me but now I really don't care. Just because she phones it doesn't mean I have to answer and that doesn't make me mean.

Justhavingacry · 11/07/2019 00:28

@AnneLovesGilbert - I definitely hear from them less and It means that when we do see each other we all have lots to talk about. (I still call each of my family weekly)

Lots of people on this are saying that it’s sad and that we should spare the 5 minutes - 5 minutes each for multiple people and my lunch break just got an hour longer before I’ve even had a bite to eat.

I absolutely drop everything to help if someone needs me, but not for ILs calling me at work to tell me what flavoured yogurt they had for breakfast.

Motoko · 11/07/2019 00:36

OP, are you the only other female in the family? MIL just might enjoy chatting to another female in the family.

That's what I was wondering. I hate wifework, but I was wondering if she likes having a DIL to chat to, like the daughter she never had, sort of thing.

OP, perhaps you could speak to her, and tell her that she's better off calling DH, because he's more likely to have the time.

Chovihano Why don't you ring your sons outside of working hours?

Do you think your DILs will tell you they don't like you ringing them, instead of your sons, if you ask them? If they're polite, they'll tell you that of course they don't mind, even if they're seething with resentment!

Durgasarrow · 11/07/2019 02:03

Three phone calls in a row! In one day! No no no! I'm sorry, mother in law, that is toooo much! Dial it way down.

nokidshere · 11/07/2019 03:25

Mumsnet is full of women who can't speak up for themselves.

You are a grown woman who,doesn't like speaking to her mil. She's not a mind reader, tell her how you feel, she might surprise you. After all, if you call someone regularly and they answer and chat, how do you know they are seething with resentment and pissed off?

Alternatively if you aren't able to speak up and tell her, and want to stop being pissed off all the time, you can do it in a roundabout way so she gets the message. If the conversation goes round to when can they visit etc just say "oh DH will,sort something out, just give him a call" and change the conversation. It's not rocket science.

It is sad though that all these mil/DIL relationships are so hard. And saying "I don't even speak to my own mum" doesn't make it any better. What's wrong with people that they don't have the time or inclination to pass the time of day with someone without feeling irritation or anger.

Answer the phone or don't, no-one is forcing you. Make arrangements or don't, again, no one is forcing you. But it's not your mils fault that you aren't mature enough to tell her honestly how you really feel about it.

TwistyTop · 11/07/2019 03:55

Maybe she just likes you and wants to be friendly? I'm not besties with my MIL but we get on well enough. If we go and visit I'd happily go to the pub with her just us and have a chat. She calls me occasionally to see how I am. I've always just interpreted it as her trying to be nice 🤷

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