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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT return MILs calls?

153 replies

ScrambledToe · 10/07/2019 22:25

PIL got back off holiday 2 days ago

Yesterday I received 3 missed calls and a voicemail saying she was calling for a chat and a catch up.

My DH has received NO missed calls!!

I made DH call her back, WIBU for not calling her back myself, despite the fact that she’s not even my mother!!

OP posts:
SusieQ5604 · 11/07/2019 04:07

OMG when my mama was alive me and my two sisters talked to her every single day. No way could we go months without talking!!! I still want to pick up the phone and call her three years after she's gone.

StoppinBy · 11/07/2019 04:26

My MIL always calls my DH about organising plans but it would be me that she actually 'talked to', as in having a conversation. Neither my husband or his dad are talkative and poor conversationalists, it could be their upbringing but it also part of their personality.

I think if she is very chatty with you then moving to organising everything between the two of you could just be the natural progression of the relationship and her seeing you as her 'daughter' instead of her son's wife.

NoSauce · 11/07/2019 06:34

But OP isn't chatty so it is wifework. Maintaining family relationships is work if you don't enjoy it!

OP has a good relationship with her MIL and likes her from what I can gather. She could always skip the call if need be, by her keep answering it she’s inadvertently telling MIL that it’s ok to ring. Let her DH pick up the calls.

notjustanexpat · 11/07/2019 07:16

My MIL did have high hopes for a DIL who she could do girly things with. BIL goes for girls that are younger versions of his mum but DH - thankfully - has a different taste in women.

I do love my girly stuff and will happily spend days cooking and wearing pretty dresses but I don't see the point in talking about this stuff. Either I like something or I don't why would I discuss the pros and cons of different make-up brands?! We have nothing in common and the thought of in-laws wanting to have the daughter or son "they never had" makes me gag. I don't doubt that there are PIL and childen-IL who get on great and become close friends, which is fantastic, but that is the exception.

I like my PIL and we get on well but I am not going to manage "our" communication with DH's family. That is his job and he does it rather well these days. There was a time when we had just gotten together and her daily phone calls only got returned weekly (DH's decision, I did not comment on it back then) when she tried to make up for it by calling me. "Please call DP" did not help, so I did not answer for a while and temporarily blocked her number when she started to blow-up my phone. I took about 6 months on standing firm but we got there in the end....

SudowoodoVoodoo · 11/07/2019 07:44

If you're keen enough to chat to ring x3 and leave messages, why wouldn't you try your actual child.

We still have a landline, so if I pick up to MiL, we have a nice chat before passing her on to DH. Or chat and explain he's not there. To hunt me down as the sole contact overlooking her own son would be odd.

Brefugee · 11/07/2019 07:47

I sometimes phone my DDIL before DS . Because when I phone him re arrangements etc. he invariably says I'll check with DW"'.

Does she check with your DS though? Because we never make arrangements involving anyone else without checking with them.

rookiemere · 11/07/2019 07:56

I hear you OP particularly as your DH appears to have more available time to talk to his DM.

Rainbunny · 11/07/2019 08:21

My DH happily calls his parents and siblings and while I get on with them well I am not close to them and I am emphatically NOT a phone talker. I don't enjoy phone calls with anyone in fact, the invention of texting was a wonderful thing IMO! In person, text or social media is how I keep up with family and friends.

I understand that your MIL is just trying to be friendly and bond with you but she should respect the fact that you aren't someone who enjoys aimless chit chat on the phone.

DappledThings · 11/07/2019 08:30

YANBU. I like my PIL very much. We get on very well and I'm happy to spend time with them without DH if they come to visit and he's out for part of the day. But I would find it really weird if I became their primary contact. They call DH regularly and he calls them. They wouldn't directly call me unless it was an emergency any more than my parents would call him.

blah1blah2blah3blah4 · 11/07/2019 08:40

i absolutely feel your pain. I had the same issues with my MIL & FIL. DH called them weekly yet they still felt a need to call me (& i hate chatting on the phone, even to my own DM/DD.)
Usually the chat with DH was all sweetness and light, with me it was all the moans they had about DH and I and how i needed to X, Y, Z. They never once voiced their issues to their DS!

DH kept telling them to contact him and to keep me out of it. I worked longer hours than him and am the main earner. They genuinely couldnt understand the issue or understand how the 2 call types differed and were unfair. After 3 years of me ignoring their calls, they finally got it and stopped calling me incessantly.
5 year down the line and they still give me the odd call and i still have palpitations when the phone rings as i'm so worried i'll have to make chat / or they'll go back to their old ways and start lecturing me.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/07/2019 08:41

You need to get your husband into a habit of calling her every sunday or something. And if not get your mum to hound him!

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 11/07/2019 08:43

YANBU - let him call her back. I sometimes chat to my MIL on the phone (if I answer landline first for instance) and occasionally if we are arranging to do something just the two of us then we make arrangements together. Generally DH talks to her and discusses family activities.

Fairylea · 11/07/2019 08:44

This would drive me crazy. She should be ringing your dh.

Howlovely · 11/07/2019 08:47

@nokidshere some people, myself included, do not enjoy talking on the phone to anyone. Hence my comment about not speaking on the phone regularly to my own mum but messaging almost daily. Why does that make us unreasonable? Why should we do something that makes us deeply uncomfortable just because other people like to chatter on about nothing in particular? There is more than one way to 'pass the time of day' - why should it be your way?

MRex · 11/07/2019 08:52

My PIL send both of us messages. It's their way of including me as a DIL; also to consult me on dates (DH can always be free), asking me specifically how I am, etc. If they never called DH for a chat then that would be weird, but my DH is chatty with them too. Actually I find it stranger that my DP never contact DH independently, even on his birthday they call my mobile to talk to him. If your DH also spoke with them then maybe you'd see it as the nice gesture it is probably intended to be. Why doesn't he talk with his parents?

SummerInTheVillage · 11/07/2019 08:56

How odd that this bothers you. You are all family now. I used to love chatting to my MiL.

Try to be nicer.

thecatsthecats · 11/07/2019 08:56

I sometimes phone my DDIL before DS . Because when I phone him re arrangements etc. he invariably says I'll check with DW"'.

My husband and I both do this because we want to know if we're both definitely free, and we both definitely want to do the thing being offered.

There might be something missing from the calendar, or we might just not want to do the thing asked, or need some chill time (Sunday afternoon is different to Sunday afternoon after getting drunk the night before!).

If my MIL tries to go around DH, she gets the same answer from me. You should be pleased that your DH respects his wife's opinion!

WishMyUserNameWasWittyNotShitt · 11/07/2019 08:56

My MIL is the same, always sends me messages for her son!!

I tell him to contact her back as I'm sick of her asking me for him, she has 4 kids and only contacts me as 'you only work in an office!' Which obviously means I can be on my phone all day ha!

I'd get into the habit of just saying I'll just grab DH, hang on', then pass the phone over to him....or ignore.

nokidshere · 11/07/2019 09:07

@nokidshere some people, myself included, do not enjoy talking on the phone to anyone. Hence my comment about not speaking on the phone regularly to my own mum but messaging almost daily. Why does that make us unreasonable? Why should we do something that makes us deeply uncomfortable just because other people like to chatter on about nothing in particular? There is more than one way to 'pass the time of day' - why should it be your way?

Clearly then you "pass the time of day" with her so my comments don't apply to you?

Anyone can do anything they want, but it's unreasonable to be pissed off with someone who hasn't done anything wrong as far as they know.

thecatsthecats · 11/07/2019 09:11

How odd that this bothers you. You are all family now. I used to love chatting to my MiL.

Try to be nicer.

How clever and wonderful you are! We will surely learn from your great wisdom.

Or, you could try not to be so smug and self-righteous, and notice that the OP is in fact a separate person to you, with different preferences. And that OP's MIL is a different person to your MIL. And that this woman called three times when she could have called her own son for a chat (that would be NICE wouldn't it?).

In your wonderful, kind, wonderfulness, you seem to have missed this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2019 09:34

thecatsthecats

Well put Grin

legalseagull · 11/07/2019 10:12

God you sound a nightmare. Poor woman is trying to be nice and have a relationship with you as family should.

CCquavers · 11/07/2019 10:18

DH needs to tell her to ring him.

Text her back every time to say all good here I’ll get dh to call you. Or try dh number he’s home.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 11/07/2019 10:20

@legalseagull and she should have to have a relationship with her because?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/07/2019 10:25

God you sound a nightmare.

No she doesn’t Hmm

No one’s yet said whether their mum uses their husband as the first port of call? If not is there a small chance it is an issue of sexism?

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