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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

307 replies

Starlight30 · 09/07/2019 23:36

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 10/07/2019 15:07

If the father of the bride is more important to the happy couple than Maureen from accounts he won't suddenly become less so because of where he sits. It's exactly because he is important that it doesn't matter which table hes at- he's her dad!

Dyrne · 10/07/2019 15:09

You think everybody invited is equal? You think someone who has a desk near the bride at work is as important as the father of the bride? He's invited to the wedding, so is a college, he is not more important to the day as someone who she just knows a bit from work?

In some cases, yes actually - a father that is a bit distant and hasn’t been really involved in the bride’s life absolutely deserves less attention than a work friend that has known them years, supported them through thick and thin, excitedly listened to colleague recount the relationship from “so I met a guy last night” to proposal and wedding planning etc.

I will accept in the OPs case that she thought her and her brother were close; but I absolutely stand by my reasoning that “family” should not always trump “friends”.

Dyrne · 10/07/2019 15:10

And there’s “not equal” and apparently on here being sat at the back means “no more worthy than the shit on the bride’s shoe” which is a massive overreaction.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 15:10

If the father of the bride is more important to the happy couple than Maureen from accounts he won't suddenly become less so because of where he sits. It's exactly because he is important that it doesn't matter which table hes at- he's her dad!

I'm sorry, that's BS, and pretty much everyone knows it.

The father of the bride is at the top table because he's important, and he's wanted to be close because he's important. You would never seat an important FOB (excluding deadbeat dads etc) at the back with people from work.

All guests are not equal. Hence the college knowing this and saying something.

NicciLovesSundays · 10/07/2019 15:12

@starlight30 are you planning to talk to your brother and sister in law about this? I think it would be a good idea to discuss it with them.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 15:14

I will accept in the OPs case that she thought her and her brother were close; but I absolutely stand by my reasoning that “family” should not always trump “friends”.

But that's not the case here, if they were close, and clearly they were, she had them in her wedding, then this is just the truth.

Some family members, of course, are not in contact or are mostly estranged and things run a bit more difficult there.

But if they are close and there were 'family' tables at the front including cousins and aunts and uncles, then this isn't something that doesn't matter, and 'everybody invited matters'.

Dyrne · 10/07/2019 15:17

If they’re that close then why didn’t OP just say “oi, big bro, I needed a set of binoculars to see you at the top table, did you have a good meal? I had fun at the reject table, any reason why I had to listen to Maureen from account’s latest spreadsheet issue rather than catch up with auntie Deidre?”

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/07/2019 15:18

YANBU, and I would speak to your brother about it. I would be totally upset if that had happened to me. It is not only disrespectful, its rude.

User8888888 · 10/07/2019 15:19

It is a bit odd. At every wedding I’ve ever been to siblings were at or near the top table depending on how traditional the set-up was. I didn’t have a traditional top table as I wanted to have my sister and her family as well as my husband and his family together. It also meant the other bridesmaids and ushers could sit with their families.

notjustanexpat · 10/07/2019 15:26

My aunt did this at my cousin's wedding (bride and groom did not get a say, as the parents paid...). Any chance you took your DH's name and the bride's mother did the seating chart? Would explain the weird location.

WhosThere · 10/07/2019 16:00

Flowers I feel for you op. I had a horrendous day at a friend's wedding. I don't want to go into detail because it's quite outing. I left after the meal and went home (I said I had to put my DC to bed). I was so upset and disappointed at their lack of respect and them being so thoughtless. I had a good long cry. When I reluctantly returned to the wedding later in the night the couple's family immediately came to see if I was alright. They knew they had fucked up.

A friend once went to a family wedding where there was a free bar. She got really drunk and told the bride & groom's entire family what she really thought of them. She was apologising for months afterwards. 😂

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 10/07/2019 16:08

You think everybody invited is equal? You think someone who has a desk near the bride at work is as important as the father of the bride? He's invited to the wedding, so is a college, he is not more important to the day as someone who she just knows a bit from work?

I didn't have any of these nonsense top table and "higher tables" because I personally think it's rude and mean. You could argue that the father of the bride can in many case still be the one to host (not all bride and groom pay for their own wedding) and regardless, that's he's family to the host whilst the guests are the ones who made the most effort to attend.

Ranking the guests by order of importance is ... odd to say the least!

Being like the OP the only family member at the other side of the room seems odd, but who knows what happened with the seating plan.

Chovihano · 10/07/2019 16:13

YANBU, I'd have to have it out with them, or at least tell them you know where you stand.
As a parent I would have said something if one of my dc did this to a sibling, but they haven't/ won't do this.
I don't think anyone in their right mind would find this acceptable, what have your parents and any other siblings said?

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 16:20

Ranking the guests by order of importance is ... odd to say the least!

I don't think anybody is talking about assigning a ranking system, however some people in life are just more important to you. Your OH and kids will be more important then your neighbour. Your parents will be more important then someone you know from work.

Weddings are things where who is of importance is on show. People are invited to these things that the couple can barely know or may not have even met, they of course are not as important as the grooms sister.

You can arrange the tables how you chose to, but when they are arranged like that, it's an obvious snub.

And with any wedding past a certain number, there are people there who will of course mean more to the couple then others. Some make up numbers and it wouldn't matter if they didn't show up, some it wouldn't be the same without them. Such is life. For most a sibling will always trump a work college, it's why on these wedding shows they go out of their way to fly in a sibling, not someone they just know through work.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 16:23

As a parent I would have said something if one of my dc did this to a sibling, but they haven't/ won't do this.
I don't think anyone in their right mind would find this acceptable, what have your parents and any other siblings said?

Me and my mum were discussing this and she said if she had have been the OP's mum, she would have moved tables to sit with her daughter.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2019 16:24

Everyone knows all the guests aren't equal. I'd have totally different expectations of a colleagues wedding to a close family member.

Jamhandprints · 10/07/2019 16:28

Your brother may not have had anything to do with the seating plan. Maybe they just ran out of seats at the family tables and had a space on the work colleagues table and thought you'd get on with them.

Motoko · 10/07/2019 16:30

There is a thing called wedding etiquette, and it hasn't been made up by people on Mumsnet! Things like, Bride's family sit on one side of the church/aisle, Groom's on the other (can't remember which is which), and seating plans at the wedding breakfast.

That's why people are talking about where the guests sit. The woman on OP's table who commented that OP must be in her brother's bad books, knew about this etiquette too.

You may not like the idea, but it doesn't mean that it's not a thing.

Anyway, it looks like OP threw a "controversial subject hand grenade" in, and legged it, as she hasn't been back since starting the thread last night.
Don't know why she hasn't spoken to her brother about it, or even her mum, to try to find out why. I'd have done that before posting a thread on AIBU.

Cakemonger · 10/07/2019 16:41

This happened to me too OP, although I am not close to my sibling like you. I was the only person in the family not to be included in the wedding photos and I still don't know why - I thought it was an oversight at the time but someone told me wedding photos are normally planned, and they did make an effort to make sure other family members - also not close to them - were included. If I were you I would ask why you were left out. In my case it isn't worth it as I don't see them very often and I want to forget about it.

Strawberrypancakes · 10/07/2019 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 10/07/2019 16:56

I would certainly want to talk to my DB in this situation, or maybe even my DM in case she knows something, just to get some clarity. Assuming that it was a deliberate choice, rather than something the venue was responsible for, there are a variety of ways DB could respond.

He could say that he and your sister-in-law simply hadn't thought it through properly, either how you would feel or what the optics would be for others in the room. If he's a decent person, he would probably want to apologise. He may even want to mention it to your sister-in-law, knowing that she would want to apologise too.

On the other hand, he may confess that his relationship with you makes your sister-in-law feel insecure, in which case, at least it's out in the open, and you'll all have to figure out a new modus vivendi.

He may of course say you are making a mountain out of a molehill but I doubt it as most people, having given it some thought, would be able to recognise that what happened could be seen as a snub, however unintentional.

Juells · 10/07/2019 16:58

You can't ask on the day, in case you start unpleasantness, and be accused of ruining the wedding. It's not your day, it's theirs.

As I said upthread, I was always sorry I didn't ask, as it definitely led to a coolness between 'us' and 'them'.

Juells · 10/07/2019 16:59

(ask later on, I mean)

AcrobaticCardigan · 10/07/2019 18:14

I feel for you, but is it possible there was some kind of error? There was on our wedding day, as the table set up was not as we expected and in the stress of the day I rejigged slightly and ended up with a table of friends front and centre while our groomsmen were at back. I didn’t even notice on the day - it was only when we got our wedding pics back I realised and cringed slightly! Also I hadn’t allocated seats for one of my best friends and her husband. Total oversight and luckily I realised at last minute but this could quite easily have gone unnoticed. (Just to give you ideas that these mistakes can and do happen even when the guests are nearest and dearest) Xx

Motoko · 10/07/2019 18:46

I'm surprised OP's mum hasn't appeared to say anything about it since. If it was my son who'd done that, I'd have at least asked him why, pointed out the significance of it and what it looks like to others, and tell him he should explain why, to OP. Then I'd speak to my daughter about it.