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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

307 replies

Starlight30 · 09/07/2019 23:36

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
NeonK · 11/07/2019 18:39

Seems like I'm in the minority but wouldn't bother me. Everyone knows seating plans at weddings are a nightmare, the numbers don't work out to have everyone sitting at the 'right' table, x can't sit with y, the tables end up being set for a different number than you expected, yada yada.
I hated it at my wedding, I'd have mixed everyone up like a pp but my ex-h family were very traditional.

I'd probably be the one in my family bumped when seating plans don't work out, probably because I'm least likely to be offended and would just get on with having a good time and getting to know whoever I was sitting with.

I think you're overthinking it but speak to him if it's still bothering you.

NaomiFromMilkShake · 11/07/2019 18:48

I am always suspicious when the OP doesn't come back.

Ginger1982 · 11/07/2019 18:48

Have you spoken to your brother OP?

ddl1 · 11/07/2019 18:48

YANBU; but probably thoughtless rather than deliberate. But I absolutely can't believe that other guest's rudeness; what a thing to say!

LellyMcKelly · 11/07/2019 19:00

I’ve been to two colleague’s weddings where I’ve been sat at the ‘awkward family members’ table - the alcoholic grandad, the bitter stepfather from the mothers second marriage when the mother was on her third marriage - that sort of thing. Apparently, in both cases it was because I’m good at chatting and telling stories so could jolly them along. You weren’t at the table to jolly the awkward snarky people, were you?

Cheesoholic · 11/07/2019 19:01

How awful! You were thoroughly used. I most certainly would not "leave it" about YOUR money you are owed by her. As the relationship is now clearly over, perhaps warn her you are taking her to small claims court and see how quickly she pays you back!

Nofunkingworriesmate · 11/07/2019 19:02

Over reaction to leave
Because you are close you may have been doing him a favour by filling awkward seats
Maybe cock by the venue staff ?
I’d have a jokey casual word in person starting with ... “fantastic wedding really enjoyed myself , lovely people on our table- haven’t offended you have we as we were away from rest of family? “

katewhinesalot · 11/07/2019 19:05

The only way you can resolve this is by talking to your brother and asking why.

cloudspotter · 11/07/2019 19:06

I'd be tempted not to take this personally. It's almost certainly an oversight rather than a deliberate snub.

No matter where I end up seated at a wedding, I never take offence. Life is too short. It's just a really horrible task doing the seating plan, and it may well have been delegated to someone else like the bride's mother. Who may not have given it much thought.

I've been put on some great tables and some awful places, it's the luck of the draw. Just grateful to be included and invited really.

Cherrysoup · 11/07/2019 19:22

@smellingofroses honest to god, I’d send her a formal letter requesting the money back within say 2 months. What a cow!

OddCat · 11/07/2019 19:27

I wonder if the brother didn’t have any input regarding the seating plan and the sil took the opportunity to have a dig.

NCforthis2019 · 11/07/2019 19:27

I would be livid. And have to ask my brother why in the world he did that. Are you better looking than the bride OP?

Onemoremove · 11/07/2019 19:36

This exact thing happened to me too...Almost to the point that I had to double check that I hadn't written this post.

My brother got married to a lady who we met a few times before so I had no expectations of being invited to the Hen or being a bridesmaid...but...

My husband & I had asked my brother to be an Usher at our wedding. My other brother we asked to sign the Register. I am 1 of 3.

We had to get on a plane to get to the wedding (within the UK) and I took full responsibility for our aging parents who do not fly. My other brother was unable to attend due to his medical condition.

Firstly everyone had a flower except me as I wasn't officially part of the wedding party. And because of that I wasn't asked to be in any of the pictures either in the Church or in any of the official photos. I wasn't even in a family one with our side (maybe they didn't do that). My husband however (The brother in law) is in every single photo!

Then at the Reception with my Mum & Dad on the top table, my husband & I were put on the back table with non family, right next to the toilets.

As you can imagine that was the last straw...I was really upset and I didn't go to the disco bit of the Reception and we went to bed early. I was Really hurt. The cost wasn't minimal to fly there and then stay at the posh hotel.

I've never said anything to my brother as I imagine he had anything to do with it. I don't want to fall out with them either...so I get it completely. I'm sorry this happened to you

DreamTheMoors · 11/07/2019 19:47

The thing about sensitive people is that they are sensitive to others’ feelings as well. I’m sure this is something you would never do to your brother for the hurt it would cause him. There’s only one way to know for sure & that is to find a quiet moment alone with DB - tell him you were crushed at being separated from DF and put at the back of the room with strangers and simply and without confrontation ask him why. Chances are the new wife was in charge of seating & in the excitement he was unaware. Lead with love (honey instead of vinegar) and I’m sure you’ll get your answer. I’m so sorry - I come from a very cruel family and can empathize. I’m praying you aren’t newly-related to a witch who has influence over your beloved brother. Much love to you.

Ironmanrocks · 11/07/2019 19:49

I haven't read the full thread - but maybe it was to do with how families had to be split? I am sorting our table plan at the moment and it's really difficult, as we have families of 4, 5 and 6 that need to fit onto tables of 6, 8 and 10 and it's hard having to split people up and juggle. I appreciate you are too far back though....

SweetNorthernRose · 11/07/2019 20:03

You're not unreasonable for feeling upset but i can't help thinking there's undisclosed back story if you say you're close to your brother/family but didn't just ask why at the time if it bothered you that much. If you're close then there will have been a reasonable explanation if you had just politely asked surely?

gamesanddaisychains · 11/07/2019 20:17

Yanbu. I would have reacted the same, including the tears. So sorry this has happened. I would think the seating plan has nothing to do with your brother but if I was your mum (and I am old enough to be) I would have a word with your brother and SIL and tell them this was unacceptable. I agree with another poster that said this would colour my social interactions with them for years to come. Talk to your mum and tell her how upset you are at being left out.

Rumboogie · 11/07/2019 20:22

I'm so glad we had a buffet!

sewinginscotland · 11/07/2019 20:22

I can understand why you're upset, and you're definitely not being unreasonable to be so. But it's really, really hard to get groups of 8 together for a table plan (and I had quite an easy one, no family fallings out/politics!). I'm guessing your brother and his new wife thought you wouldn't mind.

I personally wouldn't ask him about it, I wouldn't want to put even a slight downer on his hopefully lovely memories of his wedding day. But if you can't let this go, then perhaps mention it in a non confrontational way (e.g. 'It was a such a lovely day, although I was surprised at where you sat me and OH for the wedding breakfast').

BenjiB · 11/07/2019 20:38

Definitely not unreasonable. I’d be devastated x

SunshineCake · 11/07/2019 20:49

People saying someone has to sit at the back are being very silly. When everyone in your family is on one table and you are the only one sat at the back it is going to sting. To make it fair then make it half at the front and half at the back. It's not difficult.

Bignicetree · 11/07/2019 20:53

I'm
A tough old bird and almost impossible to offend.

But that is crap of your brother. Is his new wife behind it by any chance ?

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 11/07/2019 20:59

My brother did this to me: I was sat with his secretary and my BIL's mate. At the back. I'm NC with him now. Not over that but it was a major nail in the coffin of a very close relationship. Thanks for you as I know what it's like to be sidelined like that.

Ikeameatballs · 11/07/2019 20:59

Go the sisterhood! What a rush of people blaming the SIL!

Personally I wouldn’t be bothered and even if I was I wouldn’t be raising it now.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 11/07/2019 21:31

Meh, I'd just assume they were putting you with friends from work they thought were nearer your age and that you'd have a laugh with