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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

307 replies

Starlight30 · 09/07/2019 23:36

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Hollywolly1 · 10/07/2019 19:36

How many bridesmaids did your sil have?.I am a bit surprised if she didn't ask you to be one.Did you miss the hen party or any petty little things like that ,it can be very easy upset some people. I would be very upset if I was left sitting at the back of an immediate family member,something's not making sense here

Notcopingwellhere · 10/07/2019 20:02

Are you going to ask your brother about it OP?

EleanorOalike · 10/07/2019 20:19

The exact same thing happened to me at my brother’s wedding except I was 15. It made me feel awful so I can sympathise at how hurt you must have felt. There’d already been a big deal of the bride saying she absolutely didn’t want me as a bridesmaid despite my brother saying he’d appreciate it as I was his only sister and then I was banished away from my family and not allowed to sit near them. It felt humiliating and I was very shy with low self esteem anyway and being seated with strangers was quite tough for me. They are now divorced and their (now adult) daughter told me recently that her mother admitted that she didn’t want me involved in the wedding because she was jealous of me and wanted all the attention on the big day and couldn’t have people looking at me. She was a very jealous, insecure woman. I was glad I wasn’t a bridesmaid in the end because she purposely dressed them in hideous unflattering clothes and wouldn’t allow them to wear traditional bridesmaid type dresses. She also grew up to be jealous of her own children and their looks.

Please don’t try and wrack your brains thinking it’s you. It’s most likely not but I think it’s cruel of them to seat you outside of the family.

lboogy · 10/07/2019 21:12

Why don't you just ask him. Yanbu btw. It's a strange thing to do

Upanddownandroundagain · 10/07/2019 21:31

My first instinct is that there’s been a mistake and that your brother didn’t even know you were at the back. Or even a prank - maybe someone moved your names around. I bet this can be easily sorted out by asking him.

BasiliskStare · 11/07/2019 03:25

Well my uncle - who none of us get on with particularly was given a seat nearer to the bride and groom than me ( sister ) & my Dh and then DS was given another table. Now to begin with I thought it might have been nice for DS to sit with us , but as above It Was Not My Day. We had a nice meal and then everyone mingled afterwards - so all great. Ds chatted to few people he would not otherwise have met , as did I . Yep - unpopular uncle got to sit nearer to the Bride and Groom than I did - do I care ? Not one jot. I had a lovely time and it was their day.

I do think sometimes , it is someone else's day & they have tried their best . If it has genuinely upset you OP you need to say but I suspect they were not deliberately trying to upset you - if they were then OK - different - bigger problems than where you were sitting . Otherwise just enjoy the day - a wedding is meant to be somewhat celebratory - so my thing is turn up with a smile on your face for some one else's big day. ( and how long was the meal & could you mingle afterwards.) Smile

I'm not very au fait with weddings nowadays as mine was small - they do seem to be getting bigger and bigger ( My brother"s was so much bigger than mine but seemed to be "what was expected " )

Seriously I would not give a hoot as to where I was given a seat if had been invited. If they have made a mistake in where they gave you a seat - well give them a by . If it was a deliberate snub , well bigger problems than the table.

But all best

TheCherries · 11/07/2019 17:38

I haven’t had a chance to read the responses but my feeling is they probably chose to put you with people of your own age to help merge the groups but also thinking you would have more in common with. If no family issues I wouldn’t take it as a slight

HumpHumpWhale · 11/07/2019 17:40

This exact thing happened to me at my brother's wedding! My sister and I were seated on the two tables furthest from the bride and groom in almost a separate room. I was so hurt. Turned out my dad had done it so that the people who were seated at those tables wouldn't feel like second class citizens, relegated to the crap tables - the venue was an awkward shape and someone needed to be there. He thought if my sister and I each 'hosted' a table it would be clear they weren't second tier. Which it may have been to everyone else, but not me! I would ask your brother, it may be the same thing, especially if you're close usually. I just wish I'd had a heads up, it really spoiled that part of my brother's wedding for me!

Oscarsdaddy · 11/07/2019 17:44

This is so out of order and you were right to be upset, he may well have just told you not to bother coming

Something similar happened to us a few years back at my cousins wedding. My sister, BIL and their two kids and my Mum were seated on a family table with other and a couple of my cousins friends. My partner and I were on another table at the back with his work colleagues.

Kath246 · 11/07/2019 17:54

Your brother disrespected you. You should should feel well pissed. If I were in your position I would cut him off in retaliation. So many people just put up with shit....dont live your life being a carpet.

jillb55 · 11/07/2019 17:56

Would your brother have had a say in the seating? Might not have been anything to do with him. He might even feel the same as you.

Wasafatmum42 · 11/07/2019 17:59

I would be abit miffed as well and that is putting it mildly because you are immediate family and they don't sit at the back and when the sitting arrangements were being made im sure some people were consulted e.g your mum and dad , shame on your brother I would confront them after their wedding if I was you I would let them enjoy their day and then have the conversation

Jellicoe · 11/07/2019 18:01

This is a weird one. Last wedding I went to the groom's mum as sat by the exit table! Now that was quite in your face..

Hope u sort it with your brother

helpIhateclothesshopping · 11/07/2019 18:03

I'd be a bit hacked off, especially after that comment, I'd wonder if the bride had maybe said something to them. However my brother's wedding had a top table and everyone else had been witted pretty randomly. My parents were quite miffed to be nowhere near the top table- as parents of the groom! They let it go but relationships have been strained due to other events since.

helpIhateclothesshopping · 11/07/2019 18:03

*witted sorry, seated!

ShowMeTheKittens · 11/07/2019 18:04

How bizarre. I once went to a 'family event' and had to sit with a man who clearly detested me and had a crush on father in law.
What did your Mum and Dad think of this effing stupid arrangement?
My Mum would have gone nuts.

payens · 11/07/2019 18:05

YANBU you need to have this out with your brother, also your parents as they should have spoken up for you.

ShowMeTheKittens · 11/07/2019 18:05

PS. I bet you are super pretty and wife is a minger

NotJust3SmallWords · 11/07/2019 18:06

YANBU to be upset, I probably would be if it were me.

However, your brother may not have meant to upset you or might have thought you wouldn't mind. You'd know better than me of course what he's like. I only say this because I got married a couple of months ago and putting together the seating plan took FOREVER. We did try to put tables together which consisted of sensible groups but there was a lot of shuffling around to reach 12 full tables when "so and so can't sit on a table next to Mr X because they don't get on with Mr X's partner" or "The Smith kids have to be on a table with all close family members" etc. So I'm sure there were a few people in slightly odd places. Is it possible he reached an impasse when trying to organise the plan and maybe just (thoughtlessly) put you there because he wanted the plan done and/or considered you might not mind too much?

Having said that to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would also be annoyed in your shoes, especially if all other close family were seated together! Maybe ask him about it and you might find out that he was just being thoughtless rather than malicious (which I guess is a bit better!)

Rockhopper10 · 11/07/2019 18:06

At my friend's wedding (I was bridesmaid) she sat me with the awkward relatives who might kick off. However, she asked me if I was OK with this in advance (there was quite a bit of family strife going on) and I was happy to oblige because I knew it would help her out, and she's lovely and thoughtful.

DeniseRoyal · 11/07/2019 18:11

Wow. YANBU, so rude and hurtful of them.

FelicisNox · 11/07/2019 18:14

YANBU.

All I will suggest is you talk to him but leave it a while: it may have been an oversight and he may be very upset to hear how hurt you are.. at least let him enjoy the afterglow of his wedding.

Unfortunately your feelings are not more important than his in respect to his wedding day.

Orangeballon · 11/07/2019 18:15

I think your brothers wife may think you are a bit too close to your brother.

Rtruth · 11/07/2019 18:16

Agree with some other commentators in that you could well be the one they thought would be fine being with anyone as you sound approachable.

Do I think they could have told you before, yes. That said The meal is tiny part of whole day and you can talk to them but realistically it’s there day and they no doubt had plenty of politics deal with even though people should, in my opinion, just be happy to be there to share the memories.

Molly564 · 11/07/2019 18:33

I can see why you’d be upset by this. I would be livid!!!

Saying that, me and my DH must have spent hours on our seating plan. It must have got changed at least twenty times. We only found out a week before the wedding that the tables comfortably seated 8 and some tables we had originally had 10 people on 🤦🏼‍♀️ That said, the first 3 tables were family tables. I did feel quite bad that some good friends had to sit on the furthest table away due to who could sit with who. Anyway, it was what it was!

Also, was this a massive wedding if her work colleagues were there? We had 84 at our wedding in the day and we would have loved a few close work colleagues but it just wasn’t possible!!!

I hope you speak to your brother and get some clarity on the situation x