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Original poster

Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

307 replies

Starlight30 · 09/07/2019 23:36

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
DdraigGoch · 10/07/2019 12:21

I genuinely can’t believe that so many people use weddings as some sort of social barometer; rather than, y’know, celebrating a joyful event with their friends and family hmm
@Dyrne that's the point though, isn't it? The OP was placed with a load of strangers far away from her family.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 10/07/2019 12:47

I can't believe you'd all be so bothered about where you sat to eat some food at a party.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 13:10

I can't believe you'd all be so bothered about where you sat to eat some food at a party.

It's not a party though, is it?

It's a wedding, where these things actually matter, that's why there are actual seating plans, and why there are things such as 'family tables'.

At a random persons wedding, it doesn't really matter, when it's your brother, yeah it matters when you're whole family is up the front and you're not with any of them, but placed with a load of work colleges.

southernsofties · 10/07/2019 13:19

OP, you said your DM was as shocked as you were when you walked into the reception - I would ask her if she knew why you were sat separately from your family.

I imagine she's as confused / annoyed about it as you, so have a conversation with her about it

NewMe2019 · 10/07/2019 13:25

YANBU. It seems deliberate and there must have been some reasoning behind it. It was rude and I would have been upset, and angry actually, too.

applesauce1 · 10/07/2019 13:31

The same happened to my husband and me at my brother's wedding. We were on the table furthest away from the head table. My parents were seated together at the very extreme of the head table after her parents, bridesmaids and best men. My parents paid for most of the wedding so were most upset.

I'm sorry to say that it was the start of a total breakdown in our relationship. We had previously been very close, but my 'S'IL hates our family and has totally ostracised him from us.

I desperately hope this is not the case for you as my heart breaks every time I think of what has happened to our previously close knit family.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset.

PaddyF0dder · 10/07/2019 13:36

I just hope I never become the kind of person who gets upset about seating at a wedding.

Dyrne · 10/07/2019 13:42

She wasn’t on the moon - she must have been, what, 20-30m away? Put it in some perspective! Does everyone truly think that anyone gives a shit about where other guests sit at a wedding and assign some sort of value to that? I can’t say I’ve ever noticed! I might, however, have noticed someone crying in the toilets and then stropping off.

Good grief, if someone ever kicked off at me for something as petty as where they sat at a meal, i’d probably cut them out of my life too...

Can someone please tell me why I, someone that gets on well with my brother but doesn’t always see him regularly due to work/distance; should take precedence in some sort of bizarre hierarchy over a friend that my brother may see every day?

Then again, i’m sure you all think it’s the height of insult for your DHs not to get an invite to your colleague’s wedding. And as for only getting an evening invite, dear god... Hmm

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 10/07/2019 13:43

Usernamewillautodestrustin
of course

It's difficult to know if it was thoughtless or spiteful in the OP's case

Juells · 10/07/2019 14:03

Put it in some perspective! Does everyone truly think that anyone gives a shit about where other guests sit at a wedding and assign some sort of value to that? I can’t say I’ve ever noticed!

Maybe you were never put sitting in a far corner of the room, with some random strangers who barely knew the bride and groom.

Seating at a wedding is important. If you're put in a shit spot it's because either the bride doesn't like you, and is letting you know or she thinks any old thing is good enough for you as you're not important.

We never said a word about the fact that my mother - the grandmother of the bride - was put right in the line of fire of the kitchen door, as far as possible from the top table. My mother was a really laid back sweet-natured person, but I knew by the two bright red spots on her cheeks that she was mortified. She insisted that the table was absolutely fine, she didn't know what we were upset about, and we let it slide. I'm sorry now that we did, as it was part of a pattern of SiL's family being important, while any old thing was OK with us as we didn't make a fuss.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

BarbariansMum · 10/07/2019 14:05

Seating at a wedding is important to some people. Fuck knows why though. Hmm

Juells · 10/07/2019 14:09

Fuck knows why though.

Because most people want to sit near family at a do like that, not with complete strangers who you'll never see again.

Applepieco · 10/07/2019 14:13

Just ask why.

BarbariansMum · 10/07/2019 14:16

The OP was sat (with her husband) away from wider family for 1 meal. Out of a whole day. And is upset not just by this but by the position of the table in the room? I'm sorry but I just can't see the problem. You just chat to the work colleagues don't you? They are human beings not some kind of lesser being. And who on earth judges their value in the social order by a temporary seating arrangement? Proper bonkers.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2019 14:21

Personally if I knew in advance that I was going to be sat away from family at a table with randoms I'd have sacked off the wedding. I've got better things to do than make small talk with people I'll never see again over a microwaved chicken dinner.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 14:38

Those who are either pretending not to know why or who really don't see an issue are most likely the type who are forever hurting people's feelings and not giving a shit about it.

If there are family tables, and a head table surrounded by the most important people in the couple's lives, and you are stuck with people who don't really factor into that couples lives, it actually means something to most people, hence the college saying what she did to OP.

Everybody knows it means something to the guests and the bride. There's no way a close sister should ever be left out of the family tables.

MerlinsScarf · 10/07/2019 14:46

But seating at weddings usually does mirror the couple's closeness to the guests. It's not that anyone thinks the colleagues are lesser beings, they're probably lovely. But at this event they're probably more like acquaintances so don't expect to be near the top table.

The family are typically a big part of the occasion so it's natural for them to sit in a more prominent position. People put a lot of reasoning into seating plans in general, so it's not over the top for the OP wonder why she was selected to be taken out of the family group.

MerlinsScarf · 10/07/2019 14:48

Cross post with womenspeakout, sorry.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 10/07/2019 14:49

^^ this!

BarbariansMum · 10/07/2019 14:53

Well I must have offended just about everyone at my wedding then. We didn't have a top table, the room didn't have a front or back and other than making sure everyone sat with someone they knew we didn't give a lot of thought to seating plans either. From what I remember people sat, ate, moved around and chatted as they liked.

Dyrne · 10/07/2019 14:57

Sorry, still not seeing it. Of course you’re important to the couple - you've been invited to their wedding! Every single person in that room will have been assessed against the standard of “do I want to pay £100/head for this person?” And the answer was yes! People the couple truly don’t care about won’t have been invited!

And yes, I have been sat at the back at wedding breakfasts, plus off to the side, on the top table and everywhere in between. The worst was where we couldn’t even see the speeches but the most that got was bewilderment at why the venue would put a table there, not outrage at my very good friends.

I feel so sad that people apparently can’t just be happy for their friends/family on such a lovely occasion as a wedding; and instead get wound up at the smallest perceived slights.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 14:58

Well I must have offended just about everyone at my wedding then. We didn't have a top table, the room didn't have a front or back and other than making sure everyone sat with someone they knew we didn't give a lot of thought to seating plans either. From what I remember people sat, ate, moved around and chatted as they liked.

But then that's you, if you didn't have family or head tables it's completely different.
Do you not see that?

In the OP's case there were head family tables, and surrounding tables of aunts and cousins all near, and at the back the colleges.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 15:03

Sorry, still not seeing it. Of course you’re important to the couple - you've been invited to their wedding!

Are you joking or something?

You think everybody invited is equal? You think someone who has a desk near the bride at work is as important as the father of the bride? He's invited to the wedding, so is a college, he is not more important to the day as someone who she just knows a bit from work?

Really?

Dyrne · 10/07/2019 15:03

I think the reason i’m so wound up about this is the absolute vitriol aimed at the bride on here, when for all we know:

  1. it was some sort of oversight or misunderstanding

  2. the groom was perfectly capable of double checking the seating plan before the wedding to check where his own family members were sitting, if he cared that much.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 15:07

I posted too soon....

People can invite hundreds of people to a wedding, some they don't even know, of course not everybody invited is equal in the eyes of the couple.