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AIBU?

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Original poster

Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

307 replies

Starlight30 · 09/07/2019 23:36

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
tigerbear · 11/07/2019 21:32

YANBU.
My brother and wife (now ex!!) did this to me. It was especially shit as I was 2 weeks post emergency c-section for my first DD, had to travel 4 hours on the train to be there, and my tiny precious DD wasn’t invited. No children allowed, fair enough, but no exceptions made for a 2 week old who was family! ExSIL was a total bitch, as according to my DB, she wanted all the attention on her and didn’t want to be upstaged by a baby.
So DH had to stay at my mums with DD, off I went to the wedding and was seated right at the back at the room with some randoms. All family and close friends were other side of the room.
Being all hormonal anyway, I was furious!

kikibella · 11/07/2019 21:38

I would be upset too, maybe the bride is jealous that you have a close relationship with your brother and your brother probably wouldn't have much of a say in the wedding plans as its normally the bride and her family that make most of the decisions.

Your brother probably didn't realise that you weren't seated with the rest of the family until the day of the wedding.

I would address this with your brother and tell him how this has made you feel because this will probably put a strain on your future relationships. As you and your brother were quite close its seems a shame that this has happened. Big Hugs.

Ilfie · 11/07/2019 21:38

I can understand why you’re feeling sad but it sounds like you come from a largish family and I suspect they felt you were going to be confident and good company for some of the peripheral groups, you’re obviously the kind of people who can mix well, a bit of a compliment really!

Cookingclass · 11/07/2019 22:09

I think it’s a bit off of them but you were very over the top to let it ruin the whole wedding for you. I’m not sure I’d even think about hierarchy of tables. I’m sure your brother and his wife wouldn’t even consider how upset you would feel and I doubt they meant to offend or disappoint you.
When my sister in law (husbands sister) got married I was hurt that I wasn’t invited to be involved in the wedding party and yet her fiancés sister and her boyfriend were in the wedding party. I just grinned and got on with it. No point causing ill will and ruining the event for everyone.

Cheesoholic · 11/07/2019 22:10

Personally I wouldn't expect anyone to ask at the time, as it's his wedding day and not right to bring up anything other than "Congratulations!" 😀😀

spencer007 · 11/07/2019 22:45

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BasiliskStare · 11/07/2019 22:52

Ha ha - so OP no longer here , but as I say - I was given a seat a fair way away and further than unpopular Uncle - Do I care ? no - happy to be invited & I could have decided not to go. Aunty ( unpopular Uncle's wife ) did not get a buttonhole due to an oversight. Mum went out into the garden and made her one so she felt included. I do think weddings can make for offence where none is intended. On the whole I think just relax and enjoy some else's special day - clearly if there is deliberate snippiness - well different - but by and large I just think at a big wedding it will have been oversight or miscalculation rather than malice.

Only you can tell having spoken to DB

Nofucksleft · 11/07/2019 23:24

Could be a mistake at my wedding I had 2 large tables for dhs family one was closer to the top table I knew nothing about all the etiquette involved and it was purely the room layout one sil at the further away table took high offence and doesn't speak to me 8 years later ...if I knew it would be that easy I would have sat them all at the further away table Grin

fargo123 · 11/07/2019 23:54

I'd have to ask too. There's no way I'd let this drop without getting an answer.

Motoko · 12/07/2019 02:12

I am always suspicious when the OP doesn't come back.

Me too.

Is it common for men not to have any input on the seating plans? Surely they need to sort out who on their side, sits where? My husband and I sorted out the seating plan, together.

squishee · 12/07/2019 08:43

You will never know unless you ask. Although it's a shame to give it any more headspace.

jwpetal · 12/07/2019 08:48

OP don't let people put you down for your reaction. I can hold myself together in the worst situation until someone comments on the situation. You fled to let your hurt out. I think this is rotten and this may not bode well for your future relationship with your brother and his wife. One because he is not going to stand up for his family and two she appears to not care about you at all. Welcome to inlaws with all its glory. Speak to your brother without judgement but to understand. He may say some hurtful things, but then you will know.

Suadow · 12/07/2019 10:28

I totally agree.

1forAll74 · 12/07/2019 13:35

You are being over sensitive,and actually going off to cry about this ,is quite baffling to me, also leaving early in anger.?

You attended your Brothers wedding, and that's all that matters now. I can't see that it matters where anyone is seated at a wedding !

flyingspaghettimonster · 12/07/2019 15:41

Seating plans can be so hard. I tried to keep families together, but with a step dad, bio dad and my mum with her new partner I was too afraid of people getting into fights so my poor step dad was put on a table with some people near his age and single or who I thought might make interesting conversation for him. He might have preferred being on a table with my sister, but I stuck her with the other 18-25 year old guests.

Is it possible your family were too many to all fit on one or two tables without overflow? Or all couples etc? Making the numbers work is so hard. It was horrible to shove you at the back of the room, but maybe your brother didn't know and sister in law made the chart with her mum? I doubt my husband knew the seating chart at our wedding.

I would probanly jokingly bring it up next time you visit. "Shall I sit in the living room, or have you put a seat in the cupboard under the stairs for me?" only if you have a joky relationship with brother, though. I could say that and tease my sisters without worrying they would react badly. They would respond something like "we had to stick you at the back so you couldn't embarrass me with that story of the time when I did xyz".
Try to move past it, however you choose to deal with it. I wasn't even invited to my step brother's wedding which I found extremely hurtful and we are no longer in contact. Life is too short to fret over little things.

RationalCancerian · 12/07/2019 16:18

If you don’t have the gumption to actually ask your BROTHER this question, as opposed to a bunch of randoms - you’re quite obviously not as close as you thought you were. Like, hello.

RationalCancerian · 12/07/2019 16:25

.... alternatively your brother could be a bit slow when it comes to these sorts of things and may have been unwittingly manipulated into this by his new blushing bride.

Valanice1989 · 12/07/2019 17:08

Go the sisterhood! What a rush of people blaming the SIL!

I know! "I bet she's insecure because you're prettier than her"... the groom is the OP's own brother! Why are people assuming the bride is to blame?

Jogonandshutup · 12/07/2019 17:40

You are not being OTT at all - some family members can be so hurtful and selfish.

EKGEMS · 12/07/2019 18:42

Contact your brother and ask him WTF?

Winterlife · 12/07/2019 19:02

Valanice. Because typically it’s the bride who manages the wedding, and probably made the seating plan.

Notcopingwellhere · 13/07/2019 08:51

Winterlife

typically it’s the bride who manages the wedding, and probably made the seating plan.

Bollocks. Why on earth would a man have a huge expensive day with all his friends and family and not take an equal part in organising it? I wouldn’t even consider marrying a man who was too lazy or uninterested to organise his own wedding.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/07/2019 09:13

That, don't couples work out seating plans between them?

Notcopingwellhere · 13/07/2019 10:37

Particularly as it’s likely that some guests will not be known to both bride and groom.

Motoko · 13/07/2019 11:30

I asked earlier if it was normal for a man not to be involved, because he's the one who knows his side of the guests, and who should be put together, or not.

DH and I both worked on ours.