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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

307 replies

Starlight30 · 09/07/2019 23:36

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

Winterlife · 10/07/2019 08:02

I agree, MzHz. Grooms rarely get involved in seating arrangements. Then, as husbands, they are rarely involved in organizing children’s extracurricular activities, play dates, sleepovers, party invitations, etc.

Mary1935 · 10/07/2019 08:03

Hi OP I would gently ask your brother. You can say your where curious about the seating arrangements and wondered why they placed you with her work colleagues. Or I was suprised why I was sat with these people. You are right to be upset and angry. You could do it over the phone.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 10/07/2019 08:06

I think it would have been fine if the reason had been explained in advance. But to be confronted with the arrangement without any warning or explanation, would have been tough. I'm a bit surprised that DB hasn't enquired already about why you left early. Unless you belong to the Duggar family, a sibling that has gone AWOL at your wedding would be something that you would notice and be curious about.

I'm sort of wondering whether you are the kind of woman that turns heads even if dressed down and the bride didn't want to be upstaged by putting you in too visible a position. I would certainly ask DB about it, not in a confrontational way, but just to let him know that you felt hurt and puzzled and see what he has to say.

mushroom3 · 10/07/2019 08:07

Could it be OP that the venue did the seating and if you use your husbands surname that they didn't realise you were immediate family, your brothers would have the same surname?

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 10/07/2019 08:09

This is why I didn't have a seating plan,everyone just walked in and got a table with whoever they wanted.My df and dm actually ended up furthest away from the top table after the meal as they wanted to sit with friends

greatvengeanceandfuriousanger · 10/07/2019 08:10

I think you're being oversensitive. I had the same thing happen at my sister's wedding and was stuck next to groom's boring friends. Like you I was sat with DH so just got on with it for the sake of a few hours. I understood that wedding planning was a pain in the arse and had a good time anyway.

I didn't even know it was a thing to make a fuss of until at sil's wedding pil's friends marched to the front when the room was being changed over for the evening party and waited by ours which was one of the front tables. Loud passive aggressive comments from them and eye rolls from everyone else.

I'd normally think it pretty poor form to complain to a party host after an event but you are clearly still very upset and there must be a back story as to why.

Allornothingnow · 10/07/2019 08:10

I didn’t have a seating plan either but it was an informal set up, no top table, ushers, maids of honour or anything.

MyOpinionIsValid · 10/07/2019 08:11

Again, lack of ability to ASK why

diddl · 10/07/2019 08:13

I'm guessing that your brothers were best man & an usher hence on the top table?

I can see the point about it perhaps not really mattering just for a meal/speeches, but I agree it would have been nice to know in advance, I think.

Did you miss the evening reception?

Hasn't your brother asked why you left early?

ImpracticalCape · 10/07/2019 08:14

I'm fairly sure that this will be because:

seating is a pain in the arse
after 'x must sit with c' and 'we can't put great aunt Muriel with the young fun people' - you were the most amenable to being moved about or

-most likely to get on with SIL colleagues as you are e.g. the same age, like white wine, talking about music or have some common hobby or some such.

Same thing happened at to a friend who was best friend of the bride and stuck at a back table with loads of 'boring randomers from her uni days'. Bride devastated as she said 'I put you next to Shirley because you both love Zumba!'

ScreamingValenta · 10/07/2019 08:16

You say you are close to your brother - how do you get on with your new SIL? Could she be jealous of your closeness to your brother? Might she think you are more attractive than she is and would 'upstage' her at the top table?

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 08:16

Is it just me who doesn’t understand the issue? someone has to sit at the ‘back’. It’s not a statement on how much they like/don’t like you; it’s just how the tables are.

Yes, placing is very structured at a wedding with family up front.

She's his sister, and even cousins and aunts were further up the front. It's obvious she should have been up there with her family.

This speaks volumes, no bride doesn't oversee where people are sitting, and at the back you're either an afterthought or it's done maliciously.

There's obviously something there OP, even if you can't see it. The bride has obviously put thought into this, she's made sure all of her work friends are together so they have each other and then dumped you out there. She's been more considerate of them then she has you.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 10/07/2019 08:16

My mum did this to me at my sister’s wedding. It was a punishment for various things.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 10/07/2019 08:19

SIL kind of did this to dh and I at her wedding. She put us at the nearest table to the top and put 6 total random people at it with us. None of us knew anyone else and the table was completely alone on the dance floor.

When we got married 7 years later I put her with the very elderly aunts and uncles

Allornothingnow · 10/07/2019 08:20

It’s not just that it was at the back, it’s that she wasn’t with all the family.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 08:22

*I'm fairly sure that this will be because:

seating is a pain in the arse
after 'x must sit with c' and 'we can't put great aunt Muriel with the young fun people' - you were the most amenable to being moved about or

-most likely to get on with SIL colleagues as you are e.g. the same age, like white wine, talking about music or have some common hobby or some such.*

This is highly doubtful when the work colleges had each other, and there were other cousins she could sit with. Also lesser relatives could have been placed there, I'm sure OP isn't the only amenable person/couple in the entire wedding, but she is the only sister of the groom.

You can give excuses like that to random friends, it may even be true with two individuals who are just random friends with certain things in common, but very close relatives do not get placed at the very, very back, even if they are peaceful as Mother Theresa. And especially if all of the family is up front, so the bride knows that family are seated up front.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 10/07/2019 08:26

If this was done on purpose and in an innocuous not-a-snub way, the reason should have been explained in advance, as any thoughtful person arranging this would know that it could be misconstrued as a slight.

if this was not done on purpose, and was organised by the venue, the bride and groom should still have approached the OP to apologise and make sure she still felt welcome and appreciated as the close family member she is.

Dippypippy1980 · 10/07/2019 08:27

We recently had a similar issue at a family wedding, and it caused a huge amount of hurt and upset.

I do agree you should let your brother know you were hurt and ask if there isn’t any reason for this decision.

I don’t agree it’s just awkward seating plans and numbers. If it was there would have been and explanation and apology before hand. And even at that a cousin would have been demoted, not a sister.

dottiedodah · 10/07/2019 08:33

I think OP has a right to feel hurt,but must ask herself is it worth making a fuss now?,.This kind of thing can escalate, and would seem a trite issue to fall out about .Why not ask Mum quietly ,and say you were a bit taken aback?.The fact that some silly person had to make a stupid comment ,and upset you is just typical of some people s tactlessness!.Maybe SIL is jealous of you, if you are younger and prettier or maybe she felt you may have more in common with her friends ?.Either way it has gone now, and as you have the rest of your lives together ,try to move on ,or you may become isolated from any future nieces and nephews you may have !

OhNoooNotAgain · 10/07/2019 08:36

"If this was done on purpose and in an innocuous not-a-snub way, the reason should have been explained in advance, as any thoughtful person arranging this would know that it could be misconstrued as a slight.

I completely agree with @OutwiththeOutCrowd . It absolutely should've been explained!

Zoobluebabypink · 10/07/2019 08:40

YANBU! That is bad

notatwork · 10/07/2019 08:42

You need to ask your DB or this will fester. You aren't unreasonable to feel upset but it may not be a snub at all, but rather a misunderstanding.
For example: venue says tables hold no more than 10, and often will not allow (for example) 3 tables of 6 which might make for easier mixing/separating of friendship or family groups, so B+G end up trying to split people into uncomfortable groups. In this case I suspect the B+G had 2 family places which didn't fit on the allocated family tables so instead of putting you on the table next door with people you might not get on with, they put you with a group of people with similar age and interests to you. They probably didn't even think about where the table would be. You may be upset about something they did to be nice (albeit clumsily), after all they couldn't put DC away from parents or old folk alone with younger strangers.

Not thanking you for your help was crass, but even that could be accidental in the blur of speeches panic and possibly following a formal plan they found in a book or online.

SnuggyBuggy · 10/07/2019 08:50

Just putting it out there but I wish people would stop with the mixed seating and the trying to mix up the personalities like it's some kind of group psychological experiment. In the real world most of us don't see our old friends and family as often as we'd like and a wedding breakfast is a great place for a good catch up. People don't want to make small talk with people they will never see again when there are people in the room they want to actually spend time with.

Thatmustbemyname · 10/07/2019 08:58

Poor Aunt Muriel always cops it on these seating plan threads... I bet she's a lovely woman really, and would be happy sitting anywhere.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 10/07/2019 09:03

I hate the mixed tables too, amp not having a table plan as someone always gets left out.

Aren't family always by the top table. Isn't that normal?

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