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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

307 replies

Starlight30 · 09/07/2019 23:36

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
edwinbear · 10/07/2019 03:35

smellingofroses karma will surely come back and bite her hard on the arse. What an absolute bitch.

Winterlife · 10/07/2019 03:43

YANBU. Your brother probably had nothing to do with the seating arrangement. Ask them, together, why they did this. Personally, I assumed when I read your post, that the bride doesn’t like you. If you don’t get a forthright response, then you know that’s the case, and no need to maintain a relationship with them beyond the odd family dinner.

Jocasta2018 · 10/07/2019 04:02

This happened to me at my cousin's wedding!
My mother had previously been estranged from her brother but relationships had been improved so we were invited. The running joke was that we'd be seated on the bottom table. We were seated on the second to last table with some of the groom's work colleagues......
We were placed there because it was thought we would have more in common with this guests as had all worked around the world- 'wider horizons' as my aunt put it...
They were great people, thought it was hilarious that we'd been 'cast out' from the family ranks and conversation flowed -much better than being stuck on the family tables, surrounded by people with whom we have nothing in common.

However we were an aunt and cousin not a sister. You have every right to be upset and I hope your brother comes up with a good explanation for the seating plan.

RebootYourEngine · 10/07/2019 04:23

In this situation I would have to ask why.

xxxCheshireMumxxX · 10/07/2019 04:31

That's really sad considering they were such a huge part of your wedding. I'm not surprised you were so upset! I would ask your brother & explain you were hurt. Hoping that there's an explanation that makes you feel slightly better xx

Turquoisetamborine · 10/07/2019 05:06

At my wedding the seating plan was based on tables of eight. I had an on the day coordinator as we had a marquee in a place where they don’t usually allow marquees. The marquee company delivered tables of 10 instead so the table plan was completely useless and the on the day co ordinator had to make up her own table plan without any input from me.

This resulted in some people close to me sitting much further away than I would have liked but I had no control over this.

Could something like this have happened?

SushiForAmateurs · 10/07/2019 05:10

YADNBU.

I would be absolutely gutted if my DB does this to me.

But we're close enough that I would say something, if not on the evening, then the next day.

Can you just ask him?

MyOtherProfile · 10/07/2019 05:25

So mean. Are you going to talk to them about it?

BrokenWing · 10/07/2019 06:05

Any family wedding I've been to the tables are mixed with guests from grooms and brides sides, thought it was the done thing to mix tables up. Usually meaning sitting next to people you don't know/don't know well.

Afteryoux · 10/07/2019 06:09

When was the wedding? I’m surprised you didn’t ask your brother straight away. Can your mum find out if it’s awkward for you?

Thistles24 · 10/07/2019 06:15

At one of my best friends wedding DH and I were surprised to find we weren’t sitting together ( think I was on table 5 and he on 8)but just accepted that was the way of it. Until I spoke to the friend I was going to sit next to and she burst out laughing- turns out bride had an old school friend with the same unusual first and surname as my married name, and groom had a cousin with exactly same unusual name as DH! Not related to either of them, and never met anyone with our name before! We were actually dotted together at table 3, I just hadn't really looked sat the top row as I assumed we’d be closer to the back. Could it have been a bizarre coincidence like that?

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 10/07/2019 06:18

I think you have two options..
Forget about it completely
Ask, maybe via a neutral person (your mother or father) the reasoning behind it

I would go for option 2.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2019 06:28

YANBU
The b&g were disrespectful to put you at the last table.

@smellingofroses
This woman sounds awful. She got angry with you because she knew she was in the wrong. Had she really wanted to address it she would have apologised. I got the gifts for all the people in the wedding party - bridesmaids, parents etc. I mentioned all this to dh and assumed he was getting something for the best man but he didn’t. For a few years every year he got the guy a bottle of whisky. This is how an adult reacts when they cock up.

Shoxfordian · 10/07/2019 06:30

Either you don't get on as well as you think or it was a mistake. Ask your mum

Innersmellbow · 10/07/2019 06:30

I would go for option 1 aroundtheworld

We can only be upset by things if we allow them to upset us.

It's happened already. Let it go.

Focus on something more loving instead.

Sweetpea55 · 10/07/2019 06:32

Not a wedding but a cousins big flash 40th birthday.
All our family were sat on tables together but me and DD were on a table of total strangers.
Can't say I didn't feel a bit pissed off when I struggled to get a conversation going while watching my family have a good time laughing away.

BasiliskStare · 10/07/2019 06:32

At my brother's wedding they put my son on a different table to me and DH ( not a young people's table just a bit random) - but it all worked out Ok and he had a nice time ( he can speak to people he has never met before ) It's one day and not your day - I would have just smiled and got on with it.

sneakypinky · 10/07/2019 06:41

Do you or DH tend to get pissed and lairy/loud when you're drinking?

No falling outs with the bride? It's more likely her doing, men don't tend to get involved in frippery such as seating plans.

LittleFairywren · 10/07/2019 06:42

It really really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Such a small thing to be upset about.

Dodahdodah · 10/07/2019 06:42

Suck it up OP and move on. Yeah it wasn’t right but you can’t do anything about it. 💐

Zoflorabore · 10/07/2019 06:46

I was at a parent's wedding last weekend. I was on the top table with my dd who was a flower girl, I was maid of honour.

Dp was on table one and ds was on table 3 ( he's 16 ) and was seated next to my neice's 18yr old boyfriend who he is already friendly with- niece was on top table.

The logistics of the seating plans were horrendous. We had 2 feuding family members who needed to be as far away from each other as possible, 2 drop outs a few days before and then one cousin and his wife deciding they could come after all but had to be seated with their immediate family as wife is very shy etc etc and then on the day there were 2 empty seats as thru didn't bother to show up or make any contact.

Someone's tables are going to be near the back or at the back. I would be very upset though or if my dbro did this to me and would have to ask why.

One of my brothers sent us a bill for our wedding meal at a destination wedding, now that's cheeky!

ThanosSavedMe · 10/07/2019 06:50

Yanbu. I would have to ask. There may be a simple and reasonable reason but they should have checked beforehand or at least warmed you

FilthyforFirth · 10/07/2019 06:51

Even worse they were so heavily involved in your wedding. YANBU at all. Sorry, I know that it must feel like shit

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 10/07/2019 06:59

YDNBU.
Is there a chance your brother was unaware and Dsil sat you there to make up numbers but he was oblivious?
I would have to say something just to get closure in my head.
Particularly given that you are close and they were so involved in your wedding-it seems off and I think you deserve an answer. Only then can you decide how to move forward in the relationship.

Dyrne · 10/07/2019 06:59

Is it just me who doesn’t understand the issue? someone has to sit at the ‘back’. It’s not a statement on how much they like/don’t like you; it’s just how the tables are. I’ve genuinely never thought about how my placement at the tables indicates ‘closeness’ to the bride or groom - they’ve always wandered round the tables talking to everyone anyway. I’d raise a bit of an eyebrow about being seated away from family but would assume it was to do with making up numbers on tables - who would you have preferred they booted off the family table to accommodate you and your DH, OP?

This is why weddings are ridiculous. my DBro is getting married next year. I love him dearly and we get on well, however he has (quite rightly in my opinion) decided to invite mostly his friends rather than random aunts and uncles. I have no idea where i’ll be sat but I can’t imagine taking offence wherever I sit for the meal, as i’ll just be happy to have enjoyed watching him getting married!

You’re annoyed that you’ve been equated with the bride’s work friends, as though you’re somehow better than them. What makes you so much more worthy? The bride sees these friends every day and has no doubt been speaking to them the most about the wedding - how often do you actually see your brother?

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