Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

[Starlight30]

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

Yanbu. I would have to ask. There has to be a reason that they were willing to upset you in this way. We usually do weddings differently, two top tables for families and then everyone else is first come first serve. All the latecomers are usually at the back.

I warned my sister that there were so many warring factions present she’d be seated as a buffer zone somewhere. She laughed and said “anywhere, as long as I get an invite”. Very different I think if you’re just shoved randomly without warning

YANBU and I would have a chat with your brother about this. It has been poorly handled all round and they have still not spoken to you directly about this.

I think this was done deliberately and I would be wanting to know who was responsible primarily for the seating plan (probably your sister in law here but your brother surely would have seen that you were missing from those tables on the day so why has he not said anything to you?). Not all people are nice and there are many who are not as they seem including your brother here.

TBH I think you are being massively oversensitive unless there has been some backstory that perhaps even you are unaware of. I can't believe you left early - ridiculous, rude and hurtful behaviour.

It's just where you sat to eat some food at a party.

It says nothing about your relationship with your brother and his partner. Working out where people should sit must be terrible.

YANBU I’d be gutted

When we got married, we were aware that the tables would be set out in rows of three, so three tables running parallel to the top table, three tables behind those and three tables behind those. We therefore set about ensuring that our nearest and dearest were on tables 1-3. On the day, we were obviously the last to enter the room, everyone else had taken their seats as we were ushered to the top table so you can imagine my surprise when I look straight into the eyes of my mum's friend (evil cow whom my mum had insisted must be at the wedding), and, next to her, the aunt and uncle nobody likes but the potential family rift that would arise from leaving them out would be worse than putting up with them for the day. Looking further back I saw my brother in the back corner looking mightily pissed off, along with my best and oldest friend in the world. Basically the venue had taken our table numbers and, rather than running 1, 2, 3.... left to right, had gone front to back, so the only table in the place we expected was table 1. The "front row" was tables 1, 4 and 7.

Perhaps something like this could have happened? Although I realise that this still doesn't explain the separation from family or lack of explanation from bride and groom. In my case, I apologised to my brother non-stop for about 3 years and also spoke to the venue who were actually quite mortified and agreed that the layout needs to be a discussion point with couples in future.

If it's not that they dislike you or your DH it must have been pure thoughtlessness.
(I take it you were in the family photos?).

I feel really sorry for you but I’m sure there is a reason for being seated where you were whether you are aware or not?

My brother in law should have been best man at our wedding, he wouldn’t return calls etc to my husband for months in the lead up to the wedding and my husband ended up with no stag do in the end because of him (well he had a last minute thing thrown together by his mates). His brother was placed on a table next to the back with his gf, I was hoping they’d pull out the wedding entirely but he was trying to save face with family. There is probably a reason you were placed where you were, maybe your sister in law doesn’t like you? Harsh but it’s her wedding and if she doesn’t like you she can put you at the back. I’m sure there’s a reason for it though.

OK, so despite the fact that other people have given perfectly good explanations, no, it must be because the bride is a spiteful bitch who is jealous of the stunning beauty of the OP. (The brother, being a Man, is obviously absolved of all responsibility).

Even if it was the case, surely then she is to be pitied? That she had nothing better to do while planning the happiest day of her life than mess around with seating plans to make some vague and subtle point surely is massively pathetic?

Was it an age thing? I've had this in the past and it's because the b&g thought we'd have more fun with people our own age.

It does sound really upsetting of course!

It's a weird choice, probably more thoughtless than malicious.

For my own wedding, I sat my sisters all across the room on different tables, so no-one was made to feel first or second class guests. I don't think many people do care to be honest, but with a mix-and-match with people who we thought would get on together, there was no possible upset.

I wouldn't have put all the family together but with 1 couple aside, that's weird.

YADNBU I was used as a buffer between two NC cousins without warning. It meant me and my DC were close to the back and I felt used.

It was a string of let downs. My sister didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, despite me having her as my BM beforehand, she had one adult friend who I'm also friends with, she did ask my DD but she didn't ask my DS to be a page boy, again no concern and my mum said to go along with it. Sitting between cousins meant one cousin with partner and lots of DC were on table we should have been on with my grandparents. I was with other fed-up cousin and a couple I didn't know. The groom's sisters, whom he is not close to at all were right by them. I wouldn't have minded, but she didn't say anything beforehand.

It has taken me over 4 decades to realise she is a really unfeeling person in general, life is all about her. I have low contact now.

How is your brother normally towards you?

I understand why you'd be upset Op. If I were you, I'd ask your brother when you're next face to face as to what the thinking was behind the seating plan. Hopefully it'll be one of the kinder explanations listed on here & you can then forget it and move happily forward rather than holding onto any bad feeling.

I would feel put out in your situation and would be as upset as you are. Is it possible, though, that they thought you would enjoy the company of her work friends? Young crowd/party table kind of thing?

Or, it could indeed be that the bride sees you as some kind of threat. It's kind of a bridezilla thing to do when you think about it.

Either way, I'd tell your brother and your parents that it upset you and that's why you left the wedding early. Don't let it fester because you'll always feel resentful and you have a lifetime of Christmases to get through together

Typical mumsnet! Why not actually sit down and ask them? No need to make a big drama out of it, they might have a perfectly good explanation.

Wow, this is really strange of them. There must be some kind of history we haven't heard about here. Do you get on with all the rest of your family?

For my brothers wedding, I was sat right at the back with SILs work colleagues. I don't get on very well with him, but I was the one who organised outfits for our parents, got them dressed and respectable, drove them there, looked after them all day (both frail and mum has dementia). And I didn't even get to sit with our aunts/uncles who were at the front, but seated with no one they knew, and my brother hadn't seen them in 10 years. With running round after mum and dad I'd have liked to have spent time with my relatives during the meal, rather than them sitting with the brides relatives that they will never see again

Yanbu

Be honest but don't hold a grudge.

Ask did they enjoy the day & day you're glad it went well. Was there any reason you were seated there as that was a surprise?

See what they have to say & try not to let it ruin your relationship with them.

I had to do a last minute shuffle when one of the "work friends," tables numbers dropped (they decided to come as a gang instead of bringing partners). I can totally see how you'd look at a table plan, 8 tables of ten, 1 of eleven, 1 of 6 (for example) and just move the best fit/most sociable from the 11 to the 6, to make 9 and 8.

I wouldn't read anything else into it, they might not have given you that much thought, but it isn't a snub. In planning, you have to spend much more time on people who are dramatic/awkward/have fallen out with everyone. It's actually a compliment to be a no fuss guest. However, I'm sure you can make this into a huge issue, if you want, which will mean you get to move into the PITA category for the next wedding.

Hmmm. I get you were upset and surprised. But I think you should have been able to give yourself a shake, and enjoy the rest of the event rather than leaving early.

Do have a talk with your brother, explain that you were upset and had to deal with people's assumptions that there had been a falling out because of where you were seated. See what he says. He may not be able to explain it, you may find that you have a SIL issue. At the end of the day, try not to let it rattle you too much. They may have thought it was a fun group to be with.

OP, YANBU, not was your response. You were deeply hurt.

Very hurtful and hard to imagine not deliberate, unless the couple are complete planks.

Incomprehensible that they would put you with colleagues AND miles from the rest of the family's tables.

It's done though and you'll have to decide should you query it.

Best to query it with them both together if you want the truth.

I would not in any way express anger, just hurt, at such a public dismissal, as stated by your Aunt.

Alternatively, let it go and just realise they aren't the brightest or nicest.

Oh gosh! Tables are a nightmare as presumably the rest of your family filled up the table so two people had to be 'displaced'. Could it be that the venue got the table numbers off and your table was supposed to be a lot closer to the front? Or looked like it would be on paper?

In any case it sounds very sad. I don't think I could let it go. I am getting married in November and I am having my fiance's two sisters as bridesmaids because it is important to me that they are included.

At my wedding I put a bridesmaid or groomsman at every table to hold the conversation. I thought if people didn't know eachother it would be useful to have someone at each table I knew was chatty and could help everyone have a good time! I did let my sister know but maybe it's something similar with your brother's wedding?

It's actually a compliment to be a no fuss guest. However, I'm sure you can make this into a huge issue, if you want, which will mean you get to move into the PITA category for the next wedding.

Is it though? Or does it make you a push over.

Say what you want about a PITA relative, but nobody treats them like shit because they'll put up with it and not say anything, and you don't find them at their brother's wedding in floods of tears in the bathroom.

And, sorry, but nobody reorganises a table setting and moves the grooms only sister to the worst table at the back. there's plenty of others who could have been moved and weren't.

I genuinely can’t believe that so many people use weddings as some sort of social barometer; rather than, y’know, celebrating a joyful event with their friends and family