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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To feel gutted?

154 replies

ToffeePennie · 09/07/2019 13:16

Myself and my husband always said for our 6 year wedding anniversary we would do something really special (don’t know why 6 years but it seemed important to us). We’ve always talked with our families about how special and magical it will be, even if it’s just a night out. We have been very clear on this one.
This morning a close relative of my husband announced her (big) birthday party to take place the same night as our anniversary. This is to coordinate with another relative who is attending a posh dinner the weekend before.
I’m gutted. After all our careful plans, taste testing a couple of restaurants, arranging for our children to sleepover at grandparents and planning outfits and stuff, it now seems it’s more important that my husband attend this relatives party.
The rest of his family (who knew our plans) have made it very clear we need to attend this party, and ignore our anniversary plans or put them on hold because this big birthday is more important.
I don’t know what to do. this birthday is important and now instead of looking forward to a meal and a night “off” I’m looking at a night of wrangling my kids and eating pub food in the back room with loads of my husbands family. I’m just really gutted now and Aibu to feel disappointed? (The babysitters aren’t free until November now)

OP posts:
MrsMiggins37 · 10/07/2019 11:48

Yeah same here @dizzymerry, sound like the bullies don’t like being called out on being bullies.

@mnhq please explain

Waveysnail · 10/07/2019 11:49

Push into weekend after

PCohle · 10/07/2019 12:08

If you think previous posters have said anything that breaks talk guidelines then why not report them? Rather than just being so rude about the "bullies" that your own posts end up deleted.

DizzyMerry · 10/07/2019 12:13

You mean reporting a whole thread as there has been a huge pile on!

An explanation would be nice MrsMiggins37 but I doubt we’ll get one. MN would do well to reign things in on this board.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 10/07/2019 12:20

Why is it a pile on?

OP asked and gave details. People think she is being unreasonable.

The details, which op clearly thought were relevant, are important because of things like the OP thinking everyone should have known how important it is too her, but she had no clue it was a significant birthday for her dh family member.

So yes, her thinking she should have remembered how special her 6th wedding anniversary will be, but not evening knowing what birthday it is is part of the unreasonable-ness.

And yea it is unreasonable to go out trying tasting menus for a meal for 2. Especially since the chances are they told the restaurants they were thinking of booking a larger party, to get a tasting menu.

A tasting menu doesnt prove anything. Those items may not be in the menu that night. It may be a different team of chefs and be slightly different. The restaurant might have an off night.

I do think its unreasonable to go to this length for a meal for 2.

That's my opinion. Stating it, isnt piling in. Its giving an opinion that was asked for.

Jizzle · 10/07/2019 12:34

Jesus OP, it's 6 years! Either grow a backbone and say you already had plans, or go to the party and arrange to go out another night.

You are making this out to be some huge issue and you have a simple choice between two options, just choose and move on. If this is really getting to you i'm sure you are the type of person who will have lots of other things stressing you out too, take a breath!

Dowser · 10/07/2019 12:39

Gosh it’s our fourth wedding anniversary on Sunday
I’ve organised nothing.
Don’t even have a card for DH
I’m doomed.
What will the family think ☹️

WelcomeToShootingStars · 10/07/2019 12:51

It would really depend on the birthday for me. If its his mum or sister and it's a real milestone one then obviously I'd go to that. Otherwise I'd stick to original plans.

DizzyMerry · 10/07/2019 13:35

Proteinshakes there’s having an opinion and then there’s being rude and ridiculing the OP.

We never plan anything as such for our anniversary but we’ll either go out or have a meal at home. However, others do things differently and OP is entitled to plan and have a magical anniversary, without people ridiculing her.

Roussette · 10/07/2019 13:37

I imagine the close rellie of your DH with the big birthday party is a sibling. And the other rellie whose plans have affected this is another sibling. Surely that is more important for your husband (if not you) than a 6 year wedding anniversary meal for just the two of you?

I had a big birthday party (so much effort went in to it, I was very excited). If my sibling said she/he couldn't come because it was a something anniversary, I would've been seriously upset.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 10/07/2019 13:40

there’s having an opinion and then there’s being rude and ridiculing the OP.

And the whole thread has done that?

You said you couldnt report the whole thread (you can) and it's a pile on. So everyone has taken the piss then?

DizzyMerry · 10/07/2019 13:45

The majority of posters have done that so yes, the whole thread would need to be reported. Also, where have I said I can’t report a whole thread? I didn’t say that at all.

PCohle · 10/07/2019 13:47

Then report the whole thread. Or y'know consider why your own behaviour was deemed worse than the "bullies" you were complaining about.

DizzyMerry · 10/07/2019 13:52

Let’s see?! Maybe it’s not on to call people out on their behaviour on here as I’ve seen in the past Hmm

MrsMiggins37 · 10/07/2019 14:14

I said that the people piling onto the OP were sneering, nasty bullies and should be ashamed of themselves. Quite why that’s worse than some of the horrible posts directed to the OP I’m not sure, but hey, it’s often the case I find that bullies paint themselves as some kind of victim. No doubt someone blind to their own faults will again report this, hey ho.

Allornothingnow · 10/07/2019 14:15

MN choose which posts to delete, not posters.

PCohle · 10/07/2019 14:21

No better way to take the moral high ground about people being "horrible" than by nasty personal attacks right enough. Grin

MrsMiggins37 · 10/07/2019 14:24

Just imagine how you’d feel if you were the OP, you’re already upset and people pile on to tell you’re excessive, OTT, intense, odd, and make fun of your plans. I suspect she feels a whole lot worse now. Ffs it doesn’t matter whether it was for any occasion or none. The OP now isn’t getting the special night out when she’d planned it and regardless of the occasion and whether it’s “important” by MN standards she’s entitled to feel a bit upset. It’s not pleasant to pile in on her. I think some people would do well to remember there’s a real live person with feelings behind their posts. Hmm

MrsMiggins37 · 10/07/2019 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsMiggins37 · 10/07/2019 14:29

More of this infamous “mumsnet logic” at play

A pile on and sneering at a perfectly harmless OP - fine

Calling out that sneering - not OK.

OK then Hmm @mnhq

PCohle · 10/07/2019 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 10/07/2019 14:36

The majority of posters have done that so yes, the whole thread would need to be reported. Also, where have I said I can’t report a whole thread? I didn’t say that at all.

Then why havent you? You said 'report the whole thread'

If it's not everyone that has 'piled'on then it's not reporting the whole thread.

MNHQ
AnyaMumsnet · 10/07/2019 14:37

Thanks for the reports on this thread.

Discussions like this often get heated but we'd like to remind you that Mumsnet is here to make parents' lives easier. While we encourage healthy and robust discussion, we hope that everyone can respect each other in their choices and express their views without resorting to personal attacks. We're sure you'd all agree that parents-to-be and new parents need all the support they can get. After all, parenting is hard enough without facing judgement and criticism for those choices.

We'd also like to remind you that we are a post-moderated site - this means we usually only see posts reported to us. Please do report anything you think breaks talk guidelines, as that's the only way to be confident a member of HQ will see it.

Peace and love

Eliza9919 · 10/07/2019 16:00

I wouldn't go to the party, I'd find a paid babysitter and do what I planned to do. I'd also be very prepared to cut off anyone that may want to give me shit about that after too.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 10/07/2019 16:05

No, YANBU. I don't have kids, and I still know how hard it is to get a night away with DP as we have a dog and other commitments. If a night out/away got canceled for us I would be upset too as it is so rare that it happens.

The rest of his family (who knew our plans) have made it very clear we need to attend this party, and ignore our anniversary plans or put them on hold because this big birthday is more important.

Tell one of these people that you will change the weekend of your dinner to the weekend before or after the party, IF one of these people is willing to babysit over night, if not you are not putting off your plans for your anniversary which you have been organizing and looking forward to for months but you will pop in for a drink on the way to/from dinner.