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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel gutted?

154 replies

ToffeePennie · 09/07/2019 13:16

Myself and my husband always said for our 6 year wedding anniversary we would do something really special (don’t know why 6 years but it seemed important to us). We’ve always talked with our families about how special and magical it will be, even if it’s just a night out. We have been very clear on this one.
This morning a close relative of my husband announced her (big) birthday party to take place the same night as our anniversary. This is to coordinate with another relative who is attending a posh dinner the weekend before.
I’m gutted. After all our careful plans, taste testing a couple of restaurants, arranging for our children to sleepover at grandparents and planning outfits and stuff, it now seems it’s more important that my husband attend this relatives party.
The rest of his family (who knew our plans) have made it very clear we need to attend this party, and ignore our anniversary plans or put them on hold because this big birthday is more important.
I don’t know what to do. this birthday is important and now instead of looking forward to a meal and a night “off” I’m looking at a night of wrangling my kids and eating pub food in the back room with loads of my husbands family. I’m just really gutted now and Aibu to feel disappointed? (The babysitters aren’t free until November now)

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 09/07/2019 22:10

I think you’re setting yourself up for a fall. How exactly can a night out is a restaurant be special and magical? I don’t get that at all.

PooWillyBumBum · 09/07/2019 22:16

Can you imagine it from their point of view? Much like you’re unlikely to remember their 40th or 50th, they can’t be expected to remember that you’re planning to go to a restaurant for your anniversary. Your DH’s sibling may have even thought he might remember when their birthday was.

I’m going to leave aside the whole taste testing and special and magical because it just sounds bonkers. I thought you meant you were organising a big night for the whole family, not just a date night Confused

itsabongthing · 09/07/2019 22:23

”We’ve always talked with our families about how special and magical it will be”

What? Hmm

Your 6th anniversary is special to you of course, but I don’t think you can expect others to be very mindful of it.

WomanLikeMeLM · 09/07/2019 22:25

Your a bit ott for 6 years op?

DizzyMerry · 09/07/2019 22:34

Oh for goodness sake! The usual vile replies on this board. How the hell is the op ‘intense’ Confused it’s her wedding anniversary and it matters to her. The pile on here is disgusting.

OP you made your plans first so stick to them. Why should the relatives ‘big birthday’ take precedence over your anniversary plans? It’s obviously very only to you so pass on your apologies and crack on Smile

user1471449295 · 09/07/2019 22:41

A milestone birthday trumps a 6 year wedding anniversary. Did you elope or were all the family at your wedding? Other people’s wedding anniversaries are generally not important to anyone other than the couple.

PCohle · 09/07/2019 22:51

YABU.

You can't just unilaterally decide to make a certain random anniversary a super special one and expect anyone except your DH to remember or plan around that.

DH's relative doubtless feels just as excited about her big birthday as you do about this anniversary.

TapasForTwo · 09/07/2019 22:58

Just go for the meal as planned. No-one can make you go to the party. Perhaps you can call in after your meal?

Snowy81 · 09/07/2019 23:00

  1. Every single person you know, are booked up until November? Seriously? I find that very hard to believe. Even people I know who have functions, parties, balls, benefits and so on- are not that busy!

  2. it’s 6 years married, and 15 years ‘together’ - it means nothing. They may be weirdly important to you, but no one else gives a toss. They aren’t milestone to celebrate. Sorry!

  3. Taste testing restaurants— that’s normally parties, weddings etc that would do that, not a meal out with your dh.

So yeah sorry, you are being very odd to be ‘gutted’. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DizzyMerry · 09/07/2019 23:06

It might not be a milestone to celebrate but it’s clearly important to the OP so you don’t get to tell her otherwise.

Nothing ‘odd’ about it at all and no a milestone birthday does not trump the OPs anniversary. Who decides this? For some milestone birthdays are no big deal but others will go all out same as anniversaries, whether that’s a year, six years or whatever. What a strange thing to say.

Kanga83 · 09/07/2019 23:07

6th wedding celebration aside....I still don't understand two things. 1. Did you get married knowingly on a relatives birthday? Was this person at your wedding? 2. If your parents are the babysitters they won't be at this party anyway as it's your husbands relative, so why can't they babysit and you go and celebrate your 6th anniversary if it's so special and miss the big birthday. Only you can decide on that one as to which is more important- but to turn it round, say it was your 80th and your daughter says sorry it's my 8th anniversary so tough, how would you feel?

Kanga83 · 09/07/2019 23:08

Sorry pressed send too soon- what I meant to add was, how close is this relative? It is grandparent who your DH is close too or a distant aunt type thing?

DianaT1969 · 09/07/2019 23:13

I'm intrigued by the taste testing. Did you and your DH go out three evenings, leaving DC with babysitters, in order to taste test? Or did you go individually as you struggle for babysitters and then compare notes? Or did you take the DC with you to the taste tests?

MrsMiggins37 · 09/07/2019 23:15

I’d sack off the party. It doesn’t matter what anniversary it is or even if it wasn’t an anniversary or special occasion at all, couple time alone is rare with young kids and there’s no way I’d be sacking off a night with my OH, food, drinks, hotel and sexy time for a fucking birthday party with the ILs!

saraclara · 09/07/2019 23:23

Why do people pick up on trivial details instead of the actual problem?

If OP had said 'special anniversary' and 'carefully chosen restaurant' there wouldn't have been all this ridiculousness.

ConfCall · 09/07/2019 23:25

Just explain that you have plans. Send a nice present and best wishes. You can’t have ILs demanding that you go here or there!

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 10/07/2019 06:26

I am confused because you said you dint know why you opted to make 6 years special. Now say you do know why.

I am also confused because my exh did all his families presents and cards. I still knew how old his relatives were. Surely he knew.

You cant be annoyed no one remembered it was your 'special night's, when neither you or your husband remembered it was a relatives milestone birthday.

You can still go on your night out. Or if you go to the party it doesnt matter that other kids are there. Its a child free night out for you.

Also, when restaurants and venues do tasting platters, it's usually in view to book a large party. Not a dinner for 2.

Lastly, I would advise, that if you build something up in your own head to be this big magical event, it wont stack up. Tasting platters or not. Things can happen on the night that makes it less than perfect. Building it up, insure way to disappointment. If you go and the meal isnt exactly perfect, or you end up sat near another customer who is loud and annoying etc. You are setting yourself up for disappointment.

AnyFucker · 10/07/2019 06:54

So, in your own words, you refuse to acknowledge any celebrations on your H' s side of the family but everyone is supposed to treat your 6th wedding anniversary as akin to the Royal Wedding Day itself

Ok

footballmum · 10/07/2019 06:57

YANBU to be disappointed that your plans for a night out with your DH for your wedding anniversary have gone tits up. YABU to try and make it a much bigger deal than it is with tales of “magical” nights out and no available babysitters for the rest of the year!

Most families have “that” relative who is generally hard work and results in lots of 🙄 behind their back. Congratulations OP, you’re it!!

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 10/07/2019 07:06

Both families here are way over-invested in minor celebrations. You can't make this much fuss over a 6th wedding anniversary and get the hump that others are making a fuss over a milestone birthday.

Gracie300 · 10/07/2019 07:09

Tastings in a restaurant for a meal for 2? I work in catering and have never heard of this. Hmm

SuzieQQQ · 10/07/2019 07:11

It’s an anniversary not that much of a big deal! Go to the birthday and don’t be so precious. And get another babysitter!!

Rtmhwales · 10/07/2019 07:26

Why should OP go to the meal though? What's so special about someone's birthday that it trumps other plans? It seems self involved (no more self involved than an anniversary, but they're the same and OP had it booked first).

It's unfortunate you feel you have to go to the birthday and skip your plans - can you do an anniversary lunch at the restaurant and go to the birthday later if you'd like to do both?

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 10/07/2019 07:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

hopeishere · 10/07/2019 07:30

I still can't get my head round the testing menu. I've only heard of that for weddings where they're trying to fleece you.

How close a relative is this?

I'd just stick to your original plan.