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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel gutted?

154 replies

ToffeePennie · 09/07/2019 13:16

Myself and my husband always said for our 6 year wedding anniversary we would do something really special (don’t know why 6 years but it seemed important to us). We’ve always talked with our families about how special and magical it will be, even if it’s just a night out. We have been very clear on this one.
This morning a close relative of my husband announced her (big) birthday party to take place the same night as our anniversary. This is to coordinate with another relative who is attending a posh dinner the weekend before.
I’m gutted. After all our careful plans, taste testing a couple of restaurants, arranging for our children to sleepover at grandparents and planning outfits and stuff, it now seems it’s more important that my husband attend this relatives party.
The rest of his family (who knew our plans) have made it very clear we need to attend this party, and ignore our anniversary plans or put them on hold because this big birthday is more important.
I don’t know what to do. this birthday is important and now instead of looking forward to a meal and a night “off” I’m looking at a night of wrangling my kids and eating pub food in the back room with loads of my husbands family. I’m just really gutted now and Aibu to feel disappointed? (The babysitters aren’t free until November now)

OP posts:
PleaseGoogleIt · 10/07/2019 07:37

I wouldn't have a clue what date another couples anniversary was. Heck, we don't even know our own most of the time.

Roussette · 10/07/2019 07:39

You've been talking about how magical your 6 year anniversary will be with relatives? That is seriously strange.

Also you say your parents have something on every single weekend until November including hospital appointments on a weekend? I would check with them again. Make it a week night. Or a Friday night instead...

I know 6 years is special to you because you met 15 years ago but it really is not special at all to anyone else and a big birthday makes sense whereas 6 years does not.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 10/07/2019 07:45

Tastings in a restaurant for a meal for 2? I work in catering and have never heard of this.

Its likely that the OP or her dh have implied to the venues that they are considering booking a larger party. That's the only time a tasting menu is done. Well that or a larger party wanting to choose a reduce or set menu for the evening.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/07/2019 07:47

And it's not as if the special birthday is on an actual day, they picked this day to fit in with another relative. If they had asked the OP she could have said then that they were busy, if they weren't asked then they aren't important guests.

tobedtoMNandfart · 10/07/2019 07:50

Sorry. Please tell me you & your DH didn't go in a restaurant & sit there polite sharing 25% of a meal?!
And please tell me you did not do this in multiple restaurants?!

PurpleDaisies · 10/07/2019 07:53

Why can’t you just celebrate another night? Is there a particular reason why you can’t book a different babysitter?
I agree, it all sounds a bit much. How long does it take to plan an outfit for a meal? Confused

Gracie300 · 10/07/2019 07:53

OP, was this anniversary meal going to be just for the 2 of you, or were you inviting more people?

SinkGirl · 10/07/2019 07:59

After all our careful plans, taste testing a couple of restaurants, arranging for our children to sleepover at grandparents and planning outfits and stuff

OP, you have to see that this is excessive.

It’s DH’s 40th in a few weeks. We can’t do anything on his birthday because DT2 has a hospital appointment we couldn’t move. I’ve booked them into nursery the whole day after so we are going out for dinner.

Day before his birthday is our 9th wedding anniversary and we aren’t going out for that either. We have no one to babysit at night so we have to go for a special lunch instead.

You can definitely celebrate another day.

SinkGirl · 10/07/2019 07:59

*out for lunch, not dinner!

Allornothingnow · 10/07/2019 07:59

If it is genuinely magical to you to celebrate your 6 year anniversary then I don’t think it would matter if you did it the day or week before or after. You are still celebrating it.

You could compromise and do the magical meal first then go to the birthday on the way back. With no kids you can just go with the flow. Everyone will be pleased you turned up at all.

frenchknitting · 10/07/2019 08:00

People are being a bit harsh. If I had such limited babysitting that I could only have a date night so infrequently, then I'd consider that pretty magical and special, and want to make the most of it. So what if it's just the 6th anniversary? Should she only get a night out once per decade?

And sneering at the fact that she considers a dinner out with her husband to be exciting because you can do it every month is just showing no awareness of other people's situations.

In my opinion, OP is nbu to be disappointed. She wnbu to skip the party. She would be unreasonable to be annoyed that the party is taking place, however.

Hahaha88 · 10/07/2019 08:00

Funniest thread I've read in ages.
Taste testing!!!!
You know you can celebrate your anniversary on a day which isn't actually your anniversary right? This woe is me we can't get another sitter until Nov is ridiculous. You can, what you mean is the particular sitter you want isn't free until then.
Why did you even get married on a relative's birthday. Pressumably it's your DHS close relative like sibling otherwise you really don't need to attend the birthday.
Stop making such a drama over nothing, it makes you seem like a teenager

SinkGirl · 10/07/2019 08:03

People are being a bit harsh. If I had such limited babysitting that I could only have a date night so infrequently, then I'd consider that pretty magical and special, and want to make the most of it. So what if it's just the 6th anniversary? Should she only get a night out once per decade?

Her parents are free again in November! That’s only a few months away. I’d think I’d won the lottery if I had babysitting this often!

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 10/07/2019 08:09

And sneering at the fact that she considers a dinner out with her husband to be exciting because you can do it every month is just showing no awareness of other people's situations.

Why would you assume we can all afford it every month?

I cant. Cant even afford a takeaway once a month.

Roussette · 10/07/2019 08:24

My parents never babysat. Get another babysitter and do your magical evening another night.

I can never get why people are so hung up on doing something on the actual day. Or are you? Is the anniversary mid week? If so, why not move the magical meal to the weekend before the party... or just do that anyway. That way you can get them to babysit then (your parents are tied up until middle November?) and everyone's happy.

Shelby2010 · 10/07/2019 09:14

I think people are being unkind to the OP and are nit picking the details of her post. It doesn’t matter that a 6th anniversary isn’t important to anyone else - maybe there was a reason they couldn’t celebrate their 5th anniversary & promised each other they’d make the next one special.

They had arranged for the GP to have the DC overnight, so not as easy to rearrange as just ‘book the babysitter for the night before’.

Also, it is not the relatives actual birthday, it was booked that night because a different relative had other plans on the day of the birthday. The OP wasn’t asked if she was free, just told when it was.

OP , whether a family meal is more important than your own plans really depends on how close you are to the relative and what birthday it is. If it’s Granny’s 90th you should probably go, SIL 40th not so much. If you feel you have to go then I would still send your kids to the GP overnight, so at least the meal is a bit more relaxed for you. Then plan to leave the meal a little bit early and go for a drink afterwards, just the 2 of you.

Otherwise stick with your anniversary plans & remember the usual MN mantras - that it’s rude to change original plans for subsequent invitations and that adults insisting that everyone celebrates their birthdays are a bit childish!

thewinkingprawn · 10/07/2019 09:16

I think in the overall scheme of things i’d go to the party to be kind and probably because you’ll have a good time in the end and go out another night. I know you say you can’t get another babysitter until November but you could look at local nurseries who will have experienced childcare professionals who will do it. Or a reputable agency...

NerrSnerr · 10/07/2019 09:21

Just go out for your magical anniversary. Tell the birthday person you're sorry you can't make it as you have plans. Seems full of so much drama.

It's my 6 year anniversary next week. Think we'll have a magical pint of cider and a pizza.

MrsMiggins37 · 10/07/2019 10:02

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Groovee · 10/07/2019 10:09

I would be keeping with my plans. Get the children to stay with your parents and go for your night out.

Ohdearthefootball · 10/07/2019 10:18

My family sit for us on average once a decade so I'd be over the moon with November! Seriously though, just get a different sitter and go the week after. I suppose the other party would depend on how close I was to them really as to whether I would prioritise.

Ohdearthefootball · 10/07/2019 10:21

Also I think your family probably do think it's a bit strange to be so OTT over 6th wedding anniversary. I would be a bit Hmm at all the taste testing (who sat for you those nights?) thinking of it as magical etc. Tis a bit extreme tbh.

DizzyMerry · 10/07/2019 10:30

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Beebeezed · 10/07/2019 10:52

People seem to be missing the point of the post here (because they seem to intent on patronising the OP). The OP isn’t asking if she should cancel, she has already said that she will. Her question is AIBU to feel gutted?

OP, No you are not being unreasonable. You had plans you were excited for and have had to cancel them for something you’re not as excited for. Your feelings are valid.

DizzyMerry · 10/07/2019 11:27

Why has my post been deleted? What did I say wrong? Yet it’s okay for the pile on posts to stand Hmm

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