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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
BlueSkiesLies · 08/07/2019 13:40

I know it's sad. I just wanted to eat lazy food drink coffee and read (unlikley with a one year old anyway but I can dream)

You can do this at home, having a nice staycation with your lovely baby. Whilst DH does the parenting of his other three at miserable PILS

Ellisandra · 08/07/2019 13:49

If you go, I would:

  • put the kids in the lounge. And have an utterly thick skin if PIL don’t like the mess and crowds
  • tell the kids to store all their stuff in one of PIL large bedrooms. Again - thick skin.
  • tell your husband - and mean it - that he doesn’t go off with his father even once, even for an hour.
  • be utterly thick skinned about everything. No going along with PIL because it’s their villa.

Fun fun fun!

martinidry · 08/07/2019 13:50

@coconutpie You're mistaken. Please read again my post.

Ff isn't everyone's choice and I respect that. I was saying what I would do, not what op should do.
Am I serious about what I would do? You can bet your home on it.

OrdinarySnowflake · 08/07/2019 13:53

I think you need to be really honest with PIL, and you might have to go over and explain "PIL, I don't think you understand, we can't just put all the children in together, so we need at least 3 bedrooms. 4 ideally. Do you have any local friends who don't officially rent out their villas who might be prepared to rent to us for a week? We can't find anywehre else to stay now there's not enough room at your villa and I'd hate for us to have to cancel our holiday." Keep repeating "no, it won't work, we can't just cope with 2 rooms, we need at least 3. If we can't sort 3 rooms, we'll have to cancel, which of course we'd not like to let the children down, do you know anyone locally who rents a villa? We're on a time limit now."

Alternatively, find out how much changing your flights to after they leave would cost.

MotherOfSoupDragons · 08/07/2019 13:56

So it's fine for 4 kids to share, but they refuse to share a room with each other? It's a fuck off, Cuntychops from me.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/07/2019 14:03

I'm heart sorry for you OP, but I agree with the decision in not to go. They are a pair of selfish twats. Flowers

MzHz · 08/07/2019 14:06

Whys the place you’re stalking like? Would you be able to chill out there?

No wonder exdw hates the in-laws- they sound awful!

Would she be happy knowing you won’t be there?

SandAndSea · 08/07/2019 14:06

I agree with OrdinarySnowflake.

MzHz · 08/07/2019 14:07

Staying! Not stalking!

Left glasses at home Blush

kateandme · 08/07/2019 14:11

good luck op.do come and tell us how you et on.im holding on to you managing to sort something.you can do this!

Ginkeepsmesane · 08/07/2019 14:13

Oh Op I really feel for you.
I think there's another option not yet fully explored .......
Tell the ex-wife that you can't stay at the villa and mention that you just know that DH will be talked into a 14hr 'round of golf' with FiL, leaving DSC with MiL, is she still okay with that.........

Ginkeepsmesane · 08/07/2019 14:21

Another option could be to get someone within DHs family/close friends of PiL on your side? You could lay it on thick that you were so grateful for the gesture of love and acceptance from your PiLs, by them allowing your whole 'blended' family to holiday together, but now you're not so sure.
As now you are being sidelined with the baby because it's so obvious that them coming is kicking you out with nowhere to sleep, so they can take over their son & DSC etc. You could really ramp up about being an outsider, do they like you, what did you do to offend them blah blah blah. Obviously it's all bullshit but it might get you somewhere without being the bad guy.

Redshoeblueshoe · 08/07/2019 14:22

I would stay home. Your DH is selfish. Why does he think it's acceptable for him to go swanning off leaving you to cope with his M and all the DC.

Lillyhatesjaz · 08/07/2019 14:24

How about getting a big tent and DH and the older children camp in the garden while you and the baby sleep in the house

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 14:27

I did think of the giant tent idea... Is that not a bit kicking out the children? I don't want and us and them vibe.
Maybe rotate it?dp and the two eldest, my dsd and me in one room and baby in other room. Might work.

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 08/07/2019 14:30

I'm not convinced by the ideas of Op and baby being separated from DH and DSC.
The family need time to be united. The DSC will still be adjusting to the arrival of baby.

There has to be somewhere else for the whole family to go.

EdtheBear · 08/07/2019 14:33

The ILs might not sleep with each other. Could you put a kid in each of their rooms?

You and DH in one, two oldest in the other?

SolitudeAtAltitude · 08/07/2019 14:35

yes, put the older kids in a tent, they'll love it

deste · 08/07/2019 14:36

Gin has it in one. Get your own accommodation for you and baby (you can’t go to them as baby is unwell) let you DH go with FIL for whole days and the children left with MIL. Problem solved..

FriarTuck · 08/07/2019 14:41

How about 2 smaller tents - one for MIL & one for FIL!
Or like a PP suggested, could you postpone it until the week after they've gone? Or the week before they arrive?

QueenEnid · 08/07/2019 14:43

Ah im sorry OP. I have a lot of sympathy here as we have had a similar issue with my ILs in the past, albeit before kids. They have a holiday home which they said we could use for a weekend. Its a 4 hour drive at best from here (usually more like 5/6!) so we decided to make it a long weekend. Its a small 2 bed house that theyve got by the sea. Certainly no room to swing a cat but perfect for the 2 of us for the weekend.

Imagine my horror when MIL and SFIL turned up the following day for the ENTIRE weekend Angry I was not amused. 4 adults plus dog in a tiny house is not my idea of fun and will never happen again thats for sure. OH well and truly got it in the neck on the way home when he admitted he knew they were coming. I was livid.

I think you need to decide whats happening here. Are you in or out? Do you want to go? If you do then you need to suck it up im afraid.

The only thing you can do that would actually provide you with some control over this situation is to do as a PP suggested above. Call your ILs. Say that youve heard theyre joining you on holiday and how unexpected blah blah blah. Tell them that the house is simply too small for all of you and that this is your holiday. Not a "make do" scenario. You want to have a nice time and this is not your idea of it. Express it as concern. You dont need to make an excuse. It is your holiday. The concern is that the house is now too cramped. You dont need their opinion on what they think. If they're insistent that it will be fine just calmly tell them that you dont agree and that you wished they had discussed this in the beginning as you would have booked a holiday elsewhere.

The one thing that is guaranteed to cause an issue is not discussing this with them beforehand. They are not going to understand why youre "being funny" by staying elsewhere/ignoring them/outwardly irritated by their presence if you dont have the conversation.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 14:49

I've asked dp to do that. But I will as well man up and say it isn't possible /ideal and we will have to re think plans.
My parents have a holiday let in the UK that we use and they would never dream. Of doing this hence my confusion around the fact dps have. They also apart from. Once haven't used the place in 3 years! They are literally only coming when we are.

OP posts:
Awrite · 08/07/2019 14:53

Jeez, there's a snowball's chance in hell that I'd be going in these circumstances.

Be firm op. Keep searching for accommodation for all of you. Don't reward their cheeky fuckery with dp and his kids staying with them.

OrdinarySnowflake · 08/07/2019 14:56

I think you might have to step in, and say clearly, if you can't sort 3/4 rooms for you all, as a family of 6, you can't go. Not that you don't want to, not that it'll be cramped or not as nice a holiday, that without 3/4 rooms you will not be going. At all, no making it work or it'll be fun, you won't be going.

I would spell out to them today -possibly calling yourself after DH has spoken to them with the "do you know anyone local who might rent their villa to your family?" question to give you an excuse to call after DH has already spoken to them, if they can't think of anyone, can you find a 2 bed Air B&B and suggest PIL stay in that as an option for the week?

greenwaterbottle · 08/07/2019 14:58

I do what a previous poster has said and have all the big children in the lounge on blow up beds. Stuff everywhere and then getting up early should mean they'd never do it again. Let the children be free...
And tell dog if he leaves your sight he'd better be at the takeaway