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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
Motoko · 16/07/2019 11:29

Sorry if it's already been suggested but is there space for the older children to camp out in the back garden?

It's been done to death. It's the new "Cancel the cheque".

OP, so despite what everyone's said, you're still going?

I thought you said you couldn't afford to pay for more accommodation for 6 of you, so why are you now talking about a 2 centre holiday?

Tentomidnight · 16/07/2019 13:52

The problem with your approach is that you are unlikely to carry out your (perfectly reasonable) threat and leave with the baby, because in reality this will paint you as the bad guy to your DH, DSC and ILs.

Much better to bow out before the situation arises, as it will.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 16/07/2019 14:22

You need to sort our separate accommodation in advance for yourself and the baby. Your DCSs aren't going to understand it's because of logistics unless you set out right from the start that there's not enough room for all of you. If you leave partway through they'll always remember it as the holiday where their step mum flounced off even if you're technically justified in doing so.

I also don't understand how you can go from being unable to find anywhere within budget for 6 of you to considering a two centre holiday? All this fucking around rather than insisting your DP steps up.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 16/07/2019 14:30

We can't but it's a thought if say 3 days can be found cheap. Accomadation for 6 for a week is a lot or not available.
Also dp earns little so it will be me paying for it, which annoys me a bit tbh. We can't afford it really but if it's thta or be bloody miserable then I'd rather spend

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 16/07/2019 15:18

Spangly really you need to stop accommodating your DP. Apologies if I'm confusing you with someone else but your DP has form for being spineless at your expense, why would you want to keep enabling him for something you're not even going to enjoy? Stepparenting is fucking difficult at the best of times and even worse when your DP doesn't have your back (speaking from experience). Why keep reinforcing to him that you're bottom of the pile?

Motoko · 16/07/2019 15:53

But it's not, that, or be bloody miserable, is it? You could stay home with the baby, an option you seemed to like the idea of, earlier in the thread. Or, find and book accommodation for you and baby.

Personally, I'd stay home, and enjoy the peace and quiet.

Binglebong · 16/07/2019 16:00

Even if mil gives up her room you'll still only have three. So either the squabbling kids are sharing or the baby is sharing with someone. Please OP, just say no. Quite apart from anything else they now know you can be manipulated if you do go.

BillieEilish · 16/07/2019 16:54

As someone who rents out holiday villas, a villa for 6 for a few days only is not feasible really. The turnaround costs for a family of 6 are huge and a very big effort and it tends to be a minimum of a week or two weeks stay.

It will work out very expensive, plus you'll need travel cots, highchair provided etc. It's not an attractive booking for someone, even if I had been left in the lurch at the last minute, I wouldn't take that booking unless you were paying the weekly price.

The laundry and cleaning alone for 6 people... for only 3 days? Nope.

greenwaterbottle · 16/07/2019 18:37

Tbh if it goes 'tits up' your best bet seeing as you're paying too, is for you and the baby to go off and please yourselves.
And sadly your dh can reap what he sows re failing to sort this properly as no one 'forgets' something like this.

Whoopstheregomyinsides · 17/07/2019 10:11

He really needs to spell out that if they don’t share, you can’t go. Or decide now it’s not going to work and tell them. He can surely say - look, even if you share, the kids are such that it’ll be a squeeze and not what we’d planned. It’s your house so you get first dibs but we need to duck out”. And never ever book family accommodation again

Hillfarmer · 17/07/2019 14:37

Don’t go.

Don’t go.

Don’t go.

Don’t go.

Don’t go.

I’d rather stay at home than go on a ruined holiday. They are shockers. If they have the front to invade your holiday, they will have more than enough front to ruin it for you When you get there. Don’t give them the chance to do that! They are manipulative, cheeky fuckers. If your DH doesn’t have boundaries, at least have some yourself.

EdtheBear · 17/07/2019 14:48

Op why have YOU not spoken to ILs?

If one bedroom places are easy to find and cheap. Could you rent one for the ILs 'to give them a break from the children' if they won't use it you and baby can!

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/07/2019 15:33

Because they arnt my parents to deal with, dp said he would deal with it. I can but it would be a tad inappropriate before dp has

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 17/07/2019 17:07

Don’t go.

Don’t go.

Don’t go.

Don’t go.

Don’t go.

I’d rather stay at home than go on a ruined holiday. They are shockers. If they have the front to invade your holiday, they will have more than enough front to ruin it for you When you get there. Don’t give them the chance to do that! They are manipulative, cheeky fuckers. If your DH doesn’t have boundaries, at least have some yourself.

EdtheBear · 17/07/2019 17:07

The problem you have is DH isn't really getting clear answers.

I think you do need to ask politely which rooms you'll be given or your going to arrive and ILs will be in two rooms.

Hillfarmer · 17/07/2019 17:24

Oops double post!

BrokenWing · 17/07/2019 17:47

Go with your dh and have a face to face conversation with both FIL and MIL to ensure there are no misunderstandings or misrepresentations.

Even then I wouldn't trust there wouldn't be a reason why they cant share once you get there - FIL has a cold and is snoring louder than usual, MIL hasn't been sleeping with the heat and needs own room to catch up on sleep etc.

Motoko · 17/07/2019 17:58

He had the chance to speak to them, but he "forgot". And you know damn well, as we all do, that he's stalling. He wants you to believe him that it will all be ok, and go along with him.

I don't see the point in asking them now. They're not going to move bedrooms, so you might as well not go.

surlycurly · 17/07/2019 18:31

This has disaster written all over it.

JammyGem · 17/07/2019 18:43

Even if they agree to share a room, it still means the kids are all together or baby is with you. And I can guarantee that DP will be off out with FIL - OP, surely you can't be naive enough to think otherwise?

Honestly, let them go and have a nice break at home, just you and the baby. It's the only way you'll get any enjoyment or rest.

Tallgreenbottle · 17/07/2019 18:49

OP stop being passive and just fucking deal with it yourself. Stop being a martyr. It's pathetic. Put your foot down yourself.

Your DP has no issue with it. Why would be even attempt to try and resolve it?

TowelNumber42 · 17/07/2019 18:50

Given how important this is to you why hasn't he popped round to theirs for a chat about it yet?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/07/2019 19:09

Tallgreenbottle- your being a dick, thanks. I am far from pathetic. I am trying to respect the fact its dp family n let him resolve it rather than cause a massive row.
If it isn't sorted this weekend then yes I will say something to them and do it myself.

OP posts:
greenwaterbottle · 17/07/2019 19:16

Mumsnet is always told that is the child's job to sort parent issues and dil should butt out. Funny how this advice changes to suit the wanky.

LolaSmiles · 17/07/2019 19:18

OP stop being passive and just fucking deal with it yourself. Stop being a martyr. It's pathetic. Put your foot down yourself.
There's really no need to be so horrible.

This dynamic between her DP and his parents was an issue for his ex wife as well and sounds like a difficult one to crack.

The OP has a DP problem and doesn't need a pile on.