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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 15/07/2019 18:47

Are you scared of having a proper row with your DP about this?

You are well past what would be the red line for most of us. It seems he is still not at all worried about you being angry. Why is that?

MountPheasant · 15/07/2019 19:05

OP, you have to let your DH go on his own with the older ones. You stay home with baby.

That way you won’t be left cooking and cleaning and your DH will not be able to swan off golfing and will have to stay with the kids.

Rosemary46 · 16/07/2019 07:14

What @Sashkin said

FetchezLaVache · 16/07/2019 07:15

I agree with @MountPheasant. Your DP is clearly pussy-footing around the issue and unwilling to fall out with his parents over it. He has made it quite clear that he's more comfortable with you upset than with them upset. If you go, ILs will refuse to double up and you'll get no sleep, older DCs will be arguing and fractious, DP and his dad will bugger off every chance they get, whatever DP promises you now and you'll be the bad bugger if you object, and you will be the Maid of All Work to eight people. Send him on his own with the older DCs, you have a lovely quiet time at home with DBaby.

Redshoeblueshoe · 16/07/2019 07:27

He's shown you who is more important, sadly it's not you

MrsCollinssettled · 16/07/2019 07:32

He's clearly not going to support you OP. Stay at home, having to deal with kids and parents solo will be a necessary wake up call for DP.

BillieEilish · 16/07/2019 07:56

I agree Sashkin

OP That'll really piss on their fireworks if you don't go.
Their holiday will be ruined without you... (but they do not, for one minute think you won't go)...

a) no transport
b) no childcare as DMIL' too old' (in her view)
c) no cooking or cleaning after DC's done
d) DP can't do his 'golf'
e) neither can his Dad.
f) DP might actually be pissed off with his parents after 2 days of the above, you WON'T be the bad guy, they will!

Don't go! Stay at home and get some rest.

LolaSmiles · 16/07/2019 08:15

BillieEilish
I agree. This whole thing feels like patting OP on the head, minimising her concerns and kicking the issues into the long grass so everyone gets the holiday they want except the OP (who will be sleep deprived, on housework and childcare duties and generally facilitating everyone else).

Knittedjimmychoos · 16/07/2019 09:20

Just cancel op.

Thank them profusely and find excuse as to why can't go, perhaps be honest but tone it down and never ask them again.

Just go elsewhere, kids love holidays they won't care where! You don't have to go.

Weenurse · 16/07/2019 09:21

Waiting to hear solution

Somersetlady · 16/07/2019 09:22

You are not being unreasonable. If funds allow find somewhere else to rent and explain to IL that you want to use all of the bedrooms so are looking for alternative accomodation.

Good luck

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 16/07/2019 09:28

Hmmmm I agree I think. I've said to dp if I turn up and they won't share a room or he disappears with fil. I am taking the car and disappearing with bbay for the whole week and will only return to Collect everyone to go home. This is regardless of if it means leaving older ones with mil or not.
He knows me well enough to know I mean it.
I've checked and one bed jites or Similar are generally available as everyone wants family accomadation, so this should be easy to follow through.

OP posts:
Rosemary46 · 16/07/2019 10:13

Why would it mean leaving his children with his mother? They Have a father and grandfather to look after them as well. They are not your responsibility. MN is full of mothers complaining about uppity step mums ( or ex GF ) who takes on a parenting role and they all seem to hate it.

As your partner is the NRP, I’m sure he wants to spend as much time as possible with his children. The legal minimum annual leave is 25 days. He has another 3 weeks of the year to take holidays with his father.

BTW you will only be able to take the hire car away if it’s rented in your name. Are you the only driver out of the four adults going ?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 16/07/2019 10:22

It's fine ref the car. I checked as the driver and in my name. Pil using another car as there a month and rural.

OP posts:
IfIwereable · 16/07/2019 10:23

Sorry if it's already been suggested but is there space for the older children to camp out in the back garden? Maybe alternate with DP sleeping out with them if they can't stay alone

KingMidasAteMidges · 16/07/2019 10:23

You know the holiday is going to be a disaster. Let your DH and the in-laws go along with the older children, you may as well stay home. It will be worse for you going on that ‘holiday’.

What are the bets that DH will then refuse to take any children along???

They want a ready skivvy while they can go out, chill and generally enjoy themselves. I know I will be saying my piece about it, but then I am not known for my tact and diplomacy.

I detest people walking all over me. The more you let them, unfortunately, the more they feel they have got the right to use you. So don’t.

KingMidasAteMidges · 16/07/2019 10:30

The last thing I want to be doing on holiday is arguing with anybody, making scenes and engaging in conflict. This is why we haven’t holidayed with the in-laws (have with my family who are reasonable). I just won’t go there. I can see on dry land the kind of holiday we will be having accompanied by the IL. So no thank you.

Indeed, we have gone for years without a proper holiday at times because of that. But still it was a better option in terms of less grief and more contentment.

ProfessionalBullshitter · 16/07/2019 10:50

The thing is, it’s all very well you saying to DH now that if you get there and PILs won’t share a room then you’re leaving with the car. But how will that actually play out once you’re all there?

It’s a given that MIL will find a reason why she can’t give up her room. You know it. We all know it.

So, you’re all there in the villa. The kids are excited for the holiday. The PILs are delighted to see DH and all the grandchildren. Everyone’s happy. Are you really going to be able to extract yourself from that happy family holiday without causing a massive row and making yourself look like the bad guy.

I mean, I think you’d be totally within your rights to take the car and bugger off. But I don’t think you can do it without coming off as the villain who ‘ruined the holiday by flouncing because you didn’t get your own way’.

I honestly think your only options are to book separate accommodation for you and the baby from the get-go. Or just not go at all.

Once you’re there and in the situation, you’ll find yourself going along with it for an easy life.

Weenurse · 16/07/2019 10:52

🍿👀

lmusic87 · 16/07/2019 10:55

I do feel for you OP, this can't be relaxing for you!

PompeyBez · 16/07/2019 11:01

Yanbu!! This has changed from please use our holiday home for your family holiday to, please come and stay with us for a week. Totally different and rude not to check with you first. What about making it a 2 centre holiday? Suck it up with the PIL for a few days and then book something for all 6 of you in another area (served by that airport) to keep the cost down a bit. Would that be doable?

MaybeNew · 16/07/2019 11:06

If you go on this holiday, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery as well as a rotten holiday. Your DH is a selfish bastard to even contemplate ignoring your clearly expressed and reasonable wish to go on a family holiday without his parents. Once you have allowed yourself to be put upon and used for everyone’s convenience once, it will happen again and again. I wonder if this sort of behaviour is why he and his first wife split?

I think that you should stop having any conversations with him about the holiday and simply not go. Drive them to the airport and put them on the plane but refuse to go yourself. Use your part of the holiday budget for a few days in a nice hotel with the baby.

You need to give this man a cold hard shock.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 16/07/2019 11:14

Ohh two centers is a good idea. Didn't think of that. I'll look

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 16/07/2019 11:19

@Spanglyprincess1 dig your heels in, double down and don't give up!

RockinHippy · 16/07/2019 11:21

I'd be on AirBnB looking for alternative accommodation pdq & I'd be telling them why, that sounds like a nightmare & you have every right to be pissed off

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