Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

[Spanglyprincess1]

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

I know. I need to be the one but I don't like to be rude. If it was my family we would be having the err no that doesn't work at all chat.

Sadly the choice is either go on the horrible crowded holiday or “be the rude one” for 5 minutes. I know some people would find the holiday easier! But are you one of them?

This was an earlier post. She was so right!

“So ILs arrive first claim 2 biggest rooms and settle in. By the time you arrive they're not prepared to share, it's all too difficult/disruptive to move especially as they will want to stay in those rooms after you go back. DH fails to live up to his promises and suggests that you can all squeeze into the two rooms as it's not for long/Parents are too old to cope with moving around/it's ILs house/it's a free holiday etc.

Stuck out there you either have to accept the situation or find alternative accommodation. That's too expensive so you're stuck. Atmosphere can be cut with a knife. FIL has quiet word with DH and they disappear off to do their hobby to avoid the situation that they have created.

You have squabbling kids, MIL, cooking and cleaning to organise and contend with.”

Just tell DP you aint going that should concentrate his mind.

The thing is, PILs have already been rude (and dishonest), by reneging on their offer of the house and booking themselves on your holiday. Rudeness has been embedded in this plan and the only way it can be displaced is with a further burst of rudeness.

Or call it selfishness, self-interest, pursuit of individual happiness, firmness about ones own wishes, whatever.

Someone has to do it back to them.

Btw, is there another time you can see them? A really good family day out (from home) or something? So you could say 'we do love the idea of spending some time together, how about a day out at... later in the summer?'

That may flush out any ulterior motive on FIL's part too.

I feel your pain. My mum and her siblings share a holiday house and mum always does the same thing. But she NEVER invites herself when my sister goes! So then I eventually ask if I can use it again because it's always offered, and my sister goes regularly with friends and no issue... but every time I've asked if I can go (months in advance) mum always reveals nearer the time that she's going to be there, too! Obviously that's up to her, but why always me and whoever I'm with, and never my sister and her friends who go all the time? Baffling!

I think the only sensible thing to say is 'I wish you'd told us your plans before we booked flights, as there isn't room for us to stay now. What a waste.'

I would cancel. FIL will totally push for DP to do their hobby and it seems that he doesn't have the balls to say no to him.

OP I think if in-laws are on email I would be sending them a message.
Say that due to your PND it's not possible for you to cope with broken sleep which is what you'll get if you're sharing a room with baby or the other DCs are all sharing.

Say that you know it's an imposition as it's their holiday home, but the only way you can see this working is if the two of them can share one room for the full week and if that's not an option you'll need to stay at home with baby as you think it's best for everyone that way

You can butter it up a bit, but bottom line 6 of you can't share two rooms and if that's expected then only 4 if you will be going ( or is that 5 I might have lost a dc somewhere ?)

I would cancel and look for something else.

I do think not going so you don't get dumped with the grunt work while the men swan off is probably best.

But could the kids camp out in the garden? Is there space for a couple of tents?

Tents have already been discussed.

On the subject of tents.

Tents plus sleeping bags and ground mats all cost money and don't fit readily into limited aircraft baggage allowances so would necessitate a shopping trip en route to the property and then who takes them home again?
It doesn't seem a very realistic solution for a trip abroad.

You'd have a better holiday and rest at home. The DCs will get over it.
MIL is obviously not very nice if her son goes out 14hrs a day to avoid her, and FIL cannot even bear to sleep in the same room.
I imagine her tutting at all the noise, and DCs things scattered about, expecting you to cook and clean, yet also not wanting to lose the sovereignty of the kitchen and bathroom. If you cook, it will have to be to their taste, can't see her offering any help, just supervising the prep. You'll have to tidy communal areas nightly, plus do all night wakings. And just imagine their pained faces in the morning at all the noise overnight.
Not quite sure where all of this imagery has come from! Other than instinct and intuition.
In what way are the PILs so incompetent they cannot even be trusted with a school pick up?
Please, tell them you are staying home, and do it.

They left the kids when they were all under 7 alone in another building (think barns conversion not attached to house) for 3 hours. Didn't see issue with it. Youngest was 4 at time.
Dp and exw said they would never ever have them alone again if they couldn't be trusted to watch them by being in same Building

Spangly you're burying our head on the sand if you think your DP is going to sort this out. I'm a fellow stepmum and have seen the many issues you've had with him, he's not suddenly going to step up (as evidenced by the fact you're having to push and push to get him to tackle this situation at all). Please for the love of God either stay at home with your lovely baby or at the very least book yourself alternative accommodation in advance.

Please excuse typos

Is it possible to put the ILs in a hotel for the week ?

Cheaper than alternative accommodation for you all, and keeps your family together.

All these people suggesting you insist the PIL's have one bedroom for the both of them or are forced to share with the children - ha! Can't see the PIL accepting that. It's their place and they'll call the shots. They probably think you're ungrateful and inflexible (which you're not!)

Dying to hear what they say at the weekend but you and DP need to come up with a plan and show a united front! What do you expect their reaction to be if you say you and baby might not be going?

“So ILs arrive first claim 2 biggest rooms and settle in. By the time you arrive they're not prepared to share, it's all too difficult/disruptive to move especially as they will want to stay in those rooms after you go back. DH fails to live up to his promises and suggests that you can all squeeze into the two rooms as it's not for long/Parents are too old to cope with moving around/it's ILs house/it's a free holiday etc.

OP please read this again. And again.

If you don't understand that this is what will happen, we can't help you.

Yes, @Spanglyprincess1, bluebeck is absolutely right in repeating that original post by someone who understands these things. Please be very careful you don't find yourself caught in exactly that trap. As I've said before, just stay at home and relax as much as you can on your own with the baby. You'll hate this holiday with the P-i-L because of all the things you are dreading and you'll probably come back feeling worse than when you left!

Your DP is currently more motivated to keep his parents sweet than you because there are more consequences to crossing them than you. You might find it helps him to grow a backbone if you start making it the other way round.

With regard to the ILs having separate rooms rather than just separate beds - it's becoming increasingly common (my BF's parents were doing that 40 years ago, and my GPs come to that). What with snoring and being desperate for sleep, room sharing is not the answer!
And to the poster who said the IL's generation isn't accepting of divorce - she does realise this is the 21st century not the 19th, yes?

OP, it is not going to work. They are not going to share and all of you are not going to fit.

Why don't you and DP make a united front and go and tell them this together? You can then support each other during the subsequent row.

There's nothing wrong with a tent in the garden for the kids. DD and her friends used to love it! I think the first time we let a load of them camp in the garden they were 7 or 8. (My parents would pitch a tent almost every summer from when my bros and I were much younger than that, but things were different back then I suppose.)