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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 10/07/2019 10:57

Fingers crossed you get it sorted OP. Based on all you've said I think you and baby staying at home is the best option and the one least likely to cause you additional stress.

Whackitupto200 · 10/07/2019 10:57

There’s no way I’d be going.

I got bamboozled into a similar kind of holiday a couple of years ago. Three kids, one of them was just nine months old at the time.

DH spent the whole time avoiding his mother, meaning I was stuck with her. I ended up doing all the childcare and all the cooking. Even though everyone else promised they would ‘help’, when it came to mealtimes there was no one to be seen and the children would whine at me that they were hungry. On the single occasion someone else made lunch, I ended up having to stand in the kitchen answering questions about where everything was and which ham to use, etc. It was shit. I still get angry thinking about it.

Don’t go.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/07/2019 10:58

Any level of "it will be fine" means they're just ignoring and dismissing your concerns and don't plan to change anything at all, just expect you all to "make it work".
At which point I'd be refusing to go at all.

Weenurse · 10/07/2019 10:59

Interested to hear PIL response when reality vs their plan is discussed.
I think they have forgotten what holidays with children are like, especially a toddler.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/07/2019 11:00

Well it will be fine, for them.

How can they give him assurances about it being fine for his family, when they don't even know what the issues are?

I'm pleased you have another break lined up OP. I think this might be a good time for you to book next year's holiday, for your family alone. Then you'll have something lovely to look forward to.

SWhelpplease · 10/07/2019 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SWhelpplease · 10/07/2019 11:05

Christ...how did I do that. Will ask MN to delete. Sorry.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/07/2019 11:06

Start your own thread, with 'Can anyone recommend a psychotherapist in Bristol' as the title, so you attract people with local knowledge.

SagAloojah · 10/07/2019 11:08

YANBU. Very cheeky of FIL to want to leave all kids with you and do hobby with DH.

TheHoundsofLove · 10/07/2019 11:13

I definitely think you either have to accept things as they are and make the best of it or make alternative arrangements asap. The PILs aren't going to cancel and anything else will be spun as you being difficult and will end up causing more bad feeling in the long run.

Weenurse · 10/07/2019 11:23

Agree with @TheHoundsofLove

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 10/07/2019 11:37

So I guess it would have been you and dp in the biggest bedroom, dps dd in another, dps sons in a third and baby in the smallest?

If PILs insist on being there and will have already taken the biggest bedrooms before you arrive then put dps dd in with MIL and dps ds's in with FIL, then you and dp can have the next smallest bedroom and baby can have the smallest bedroom. A similar setup, just moving bedrooms around. If PILs don't like it then they shouldn't have tried muscling in on your holiday.

Make plans for what you're going to do each day and stick to them unless you'd prefer to do something they suggest.

Or can you change time off and flights for October half term and get the villa then? I would suggest rejigging it for then if possible.

BillieEilish · 10/07/2019 11:42

I didn't realise he was just a 'DP' and not a 'DH'. Apologies if I'm wrong.

Whole dynamics of why you clearly want to go and not upset the applecart are clearer. It is also obviously his ex wifes business if her DC's are sleeping in a tent Hmm My guess is his parents don't particularly like or respect you, as shown.

IMO a lot of point scoring and wrangling for place and rank within the 'family' are being made here, by everyone. Whatever you do, you are not going to come across well. Catch 22 Flowers

BillieEilish · 10/07/2019 11:49

Also, they certainly won't consider themselves as your 'inlaws' (as they are not)

I think that is your problem here. 10 years of marriage and 3 DC's is a lot and not something parents of this age will get over easily. They could well be trying to create problems...

stucknoue · 10/07/2019 11:57

How about the boys in the lounge and dp shares with the baby, you share with sd? The boys will probably like air mats and sleeping bags. But still can't understand why the parents can't share, I assume they actually are still married? I'm guessing that married in name only hence dp's dad wanting to do things with dp

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/07/2019 11:59

No they re fine with us and the divorce. Dp and exw have been divorced about 6 years ish now. There is seriously no love lost between exw and in laws, I stay out of it as its very awkward and I don't want to be involved. He had a long term ish gf between me and exw, so it's OK.
We are engaged and we're getting married but surprise bbay came, so saving. Refer to them as in laws as writing dp parents is so longhand plus they are all the children's biological grandparents.
We've been to the house before just me and dp when I was pregnant and they didn't come along then. Hence why I wasn't expecting the surprise joining us. I suspect its to spend time with grandchildren which is lovely, just not thought through!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/07/2019 12:00

They haven't shared a room since dp went to High school so 20 odd years.
They are married and I don't know why.
I get not sharing a bed as a lot of older people don't but have twins in smae room.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 10/07/2019 12:38

Loud snoring?

Just one more waking others / sensitivity about being woken issue, to throw into the mix?

Lellikelly26 · 10/07/2019 13:06

Find alternative accommodations

GiantKitten · 10/07/2019 13:09

Some very unimaginative posters on here - there are multiple perfectly reasonable reasons for couples not to share a room!

Preferring an individual double bed rather than a single, noise (eg snoring), liking window open/closed, liking room cool/warm, one wanting to read with light on or listen to music or watch TV.

If the space & beds are available they can please themselves. The only issue here is that they shouldn’t be available to these PILs on this trip because they shouldn’t be there at all!

justasking111 · 10/07/2019 13:11

Buy some ear plugs for them. They really are taking the proverbial tagging along and demanding preferential treatment.

SavingSpaces2019 · 10/07/2019 13:21

Your DP is NOT trying to sort this out!
He doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' - so he's going to pay lip service to this whole drama until YOU are forced to step in and 'sort it out'.

The only answer to PIL should be 'no, we don't want you gatecrashing our one and only family holiday'
Or "PIL - you WILL be sharing a room so get used to it".

I think your DP knows how to play you OP and you fall for it.

sandyfoot · 10/07/2019 13:37

I think your DP knows how to play you OP and you fall for it.

Wow. That's harsh. And presumptuous. OP only came one here to get some advice about a holiday quandary I guess, not to have her relationship shat on.

RavenLG · 10/07/2019 13:41

Yeah your DP won't sort this out, takes a lot longer than a few days to grow a backbone I'm afraid.

I would make a plan and tell the in laws what the plan is. They either share a room with each other for a week, or the kids share with them on an airbed or spare bed etc. They have to share rooms and compromise to make this work at the end of the day.

Would a screen be an option for baby waking? Or could DP sleep in with the baby and you on sofa for 1/2 days so you at least get a rest?

StVincent · 10/07/2019 13:49

I think you, DP and his parents all need to have a talk together about this. Preferably in person - are you all still in the same town? Or by email if not.

They need to hear from YOU why it’s important as doubtless DP will (Best Case) be hedging and saying he’s not sure the kids sharing with work, or (worst case) saying “Spangly isn’t sure it’ll work”.

Honestly think it’s best for starting point of “we won’t be able to come then” and then you can work down to “maybe DP and the elder ones can come” or “maybe me and the baby or you two could stay nearby?”

If you start with trying to make tweaks to the plans, NOTHING will happen and it’ll map out exactly as poster earlier said, atmosphere you could cut with a knife etc.

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