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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
MrsCollinssettled · 10/07/2019 00:10

So ILs arrive first claim 2 biggest rooms and settle in. By the time you arrive they're not prepared to share, it's all too difficult/disruptive to move especially as they will want to stay in those rooms after you go back. DH fails to live up to his promises and suggests that you can all squeeze into the two rooms as it's not for long/Parents are too old to cope with moving around/it's ILs house/it's a free holiday etc.

Stuck out there you either have to accept the situation or find alternative accommodation. That's too expensive so you're stuck. Atmosphere can be cut with a knife. FIL has quiet word with DH and they disappear off to do their hobby to avoid the situation that they have created.

You have squabbling kids, MIL, cooking and cleaning to organise and contend with.

I'd lay money that this is what'll happen. I'd stay at home and leave them to it. Make it clear to the ILs that squeezing all of you into 2 rooms isn't workable and so you and baby will have to stay at home and miss your family holiday that had meant so much to you. So selfish of them.

FarTooMuchWashing · 10/07/2019 00:23

YANBU. PIL ABU. My PIL have a holiday home abroad. We’re not allowed to be there without them.
DH and I are married almost 20 years with 2 DC. We’ve been 4 times (3 times with kids and never for longer that 5/6 days).
They even suggested them taking the DC there for half term - but either DH or I was to fly out with the kids, return home then fly out a week later to collect them. Umm, no!

MidniteScribbler · 10/07/2019 00:37

I think you are being a bit of a CFer OP. You want free use of their house, but want nothing to do with them. Every single thing you have posted has been about you, and about how you feel. You think your MIL is a bitch and don't want to spend time with her, but you're willing to put your hand out for a free holiday. If you want to maintain distance from them, you should have just booked your own accommodation from the start.

BackforGood · 10/07/2019 00:46

I think that is very unfair MidniteScribbler
Hardly the situation the OP has described at all.

They offered the DGPs money and the DGPs refused. It isn't even used most of the time.
Clearly, it only works if there is enough room for everyone. No-one is going to have a nice break if everyone is crotchety and tired.

If the DGPs think they can't sleep in the same room as each other, then why are they expecting 3 siblings to be able to, or a noise sensitive baby and parents ? Confused

I still think I'd PM the poster who offered to look for accommodation for you on one of the earlier pages - that way you won't be publishing on here, but might gain a relaxing holiday, even if it costs you in cash.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 10/07/2019 06:05

This has disaster written all over it...cut your loses OP and cancel...total cancel ..the kids will get over it...

timeisnotaline · 10/07/2019 07:21

If he’s going to sort it it should definitely be mentioned before leaving or do. Not. Go. If he’s too wussy to do this with text evidence he’s too wussy to do it when there. It’s not like you’d have planned to go at all if there were only 2 bedrooms!
Agree baby with mil, 1-2 dc with fil!

Rosemary46 · 10/07/2019 07:34

I agree with those who say that you are going on this “ holiday “ to cook clean and wash for everyone and provide child care for your step children. And also be a companion to your MIL so your FIL and DP don't feel guilty when they go off to have fun.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 10/07/2019 07:34

Yes, it will be just as MrsCollinssettled described

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/07/2019 08:00

Not sure how it's cf to be offered a holiday place, offer to pay be told no its fine. Organise everything and pay for journeys etc t then have it all changed round at the last minute without anyone even asking if it is okay.
It isn't a free holiday really, as we have paid for everything bar accomadation. Which if we'd booked euro camp a year ago wouldn't have been hideously expensive at all. Now 4 weeks or less to go, it is hideous.
Mil isn't a bitch, she's difficult and older. She will genuinely really not cope with all the kids esp if they are fighting due to lack of space. Fil is a nice man but generally does what he wants to do, which is fair enough. But not if there are 8 people in a house not big enough and most of them are kids.
I wouldn't do this to friends or family as it isn't fair.

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 10/07/2019 08:07

That's why you need to have chat with them both not rely on DH word. Give them all the reasons why, space, squabbles, mixing sexes, the kids sharing a room is not Good.

I'd also throw into the same conversation that the family need bonding time. Both Dad and you to oldest 3 and the 3 to youngest.

Rosemary46 · 10/07/2019 08:14

If you do talk to them, don’t mention mixed sex of children as anyone of their age will think that’s bonkers .

However i think you should stay out of it - you are the relatively new Gf on the scene and you will be seen as interfering. Let your DP do his own dirty work. You make your own choice for you and your child and let him do the same about his kids and parents.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/07/2019 08:20

Our child is dps child too... And I'm not that new lol, we have a one year old baby together!
But yes I agree dp. Needs to handle it

OP posts:
Windygate · 10/07/2019 08:29

If you go on the holiday you are not going to get any sort of break or rest. DP will disappear with FIL leaving you with four DC and MIL. The PILs and DP will expect you to do all the cooking, cleaning, child care etc.

When the DC are with you actually how much parenting does DP do?

Rosemary46 · 10/07/2019 08:41

Your ILs are in their 70s. Their son was married for , what, at least 14 years and has three kids. Divorce is a big deal in their generation.

You are the new GF with a new baby. Don’t try to fix the longstanding issues between him and his parents, you will be seen as the bad guy.

I’m not saying i agree, its just how they will see it. Same as “ an 11 yo girl can’t share a bedroom with her 9yo brother because of you know sex “ will have you marked as a nutter. Whatever anyone on MN tells you.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/07/2019 08:55

Ten years not 14. I've know his family, small town, since I was 15 ish.
I moved away for around a decade and then came back and we reconnected. So I'm not a stranger.
But yeah agree totally up to dp to sort. The genders isn't the thing tbh, as they could suck it up for a week, the kids constant squabbling if they share a room is. Plus the non sleeping angry 1 year old.
Plus generally falling over each other

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 10/07/2019 09:01

I see how this seemed like a great plan to the gparents. They just haven't realised the reality, and their son isn't strong enough to spell it out for them, so in their eyes 'it'll be great fun!'.

They're being selfish with the rooms, but probably because in their minds, those two rooms they plan to sleep in are 'their' bedrooms, and the other rooms are guest rooms. So they're making assumptions about you and your kids being fine in together, and they haven't thought it through. Your DH needs to spell it out for them, e.g. point out how often they've said you look exhausted, and that's because the baby is a terrible sleeper, and you've only just moved him to his own room, and he absolutely can't be moved back into the same room as you/DH for a week because you'd get zero sleep... etc

Perhaps they'll work with you on the rooms once they realise the issues? Or maybe they'll stick to their guns, in which case they're just selfish people.

libertyminty · 10/07/2019 09:27

I had a similar situation, pils had a house abroad. They offered it to us for our summer holiday. We like you offered to pay for the fortnight accommodation but they refused. My spidey senses started to tingle as mil slipped up a few times saying how much the cousins were going to like playing together. I got dh to ask outright if they were planning to go and she confessed that her, fil, sil and her 4 children were planning on coming at the same to time as a surprise.
I was absolutely furious as it was a 3 bedroom house so the sleeping logistics would have been awful. Dh told her we were going to cancel as we wanted it just to be us. Cue lots of wailing about how we needed to think of the children ( our dc’s were 1 and 3) so unlikely to be devastated about not going on a 4 hr flight. Eventually my mil said they wouldn’t come, had a feeling I was getting blamed which was confirmed when my 7 year old niece said, we’re not getting a holiday this year because you stole it!
I still wasn’t convinced mil didn’t have something up her sleeve so asked her again if anyone was planning on coming out. She had to confess that dh’s Uncle was coming to stay in a flat nearby to “show” us around as we’d never been before and we wouldn’t be able to find our way around 🙄
Dh said we wanted to do everything ourselves as that was part of the fun of the holiday. Mil told us the house was tricky to navigate with putting power on etc. Dh again said it was fine we were wanting to find this out for ourselves.
When we arrived in the dark at the house I nearly shat myself as a figure was lurking in the dark in the garden. Turned out to be dh’s uncle who was waiting to greet us but was letting us find the power switch etc. It was just bizarre and weird that he waited up until 1am to see us switch some lights on.
He used to turn up every single morning, and instead of ringing the bell would yet again stand in the garden waiting for us to appear. He tagged along everywhere we went, and as he had mobility problems he couldn’t sit in the back of the car. Dh and I had to take it in turns to wedge between the car seats every time we went out. By the end of the fortnight we were absolutely fed up.

TowelNumber42 · 10/07/2019 09:33

If DP couldn't stand up to them at any point in the last 40 odd years, including when his first wife was massively pissed off, then why do you think this time will be different?

Is the exW a bit of a doormat perhaps who wouldn't have let him know if MIL and FIL were out of line? From what you've said I think, no, he just didn't fix it, he sacrificed her feelings to avoid properly standing up to his parents.

DarlingNikita · 10/07/2019 09:49

I see how this seemed like a great plan to the gparents. They just haven't realised the reality

This kind of thing is missing the point. The greatness or otherwise of the plan is by the bye. The point is that the OP and her DH were intentionally led by omission to think they had sole use of the house, while all along the PILs were planning to basically ambush them.

That's a lie, and weird, and not acceptable.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/07/2019 09:53

Another plan would be I buy wine and dp takes all 4 children out and pil. I can stay and drink wine with a book during the day (optimistic bliss).
Seriously I know they meant well as wanted to see us and kids, but it isn't practical

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 10/07/2019 09:57

Has anything been said to the in laws OP?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/07/2019 10:10

Ive asked dp to talk to them and he's over with them this weekend.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 10/07/2019 10:19

I thought he was with them and talking yesterday? Did the right opportunity not arise? But it's going to next time?

I think it's really easy for people in PILs' situation to overestimate the value of free accommodation, while underestimating the cost of travel and, perhaps most importantly, the value of time for working people who only have 4-5 weeks holiday a year.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 10/07/2019 10:30

He did and got the it will be fine. I've asked him to properly talk and explain the concerns esp around the impact on them eg lots of noise and kids. Baby wakes b~tween 5 am and 6 and sleeps at 9pm. He barely naps in the day. He's a georgous boy but full on. Same for the other three... Not their fault but they are children and therefore need entertainment or things to do.
Hopefully it's fixable but I doubt it.

OP posts:
Motoko · 10/07/2019 10:53

He should have explained all that yesterday. I really don't think he'll do it properly this weekend either. Even if he does, they're not going to change their minds. They've got their tickets booked.

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