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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
ChuckleBuckles · 09/07/2019 14:23

I agree that the tent is not going to work, how does it look to the DSC and their mum "Well grandparents, OP and new sibling slept in the house, we were in the yard". It is a bit like ranking the DSC as second best, even if that is not the intention.

Constance1234 · 09/07/2019 14:33

I can't believe those two selfish old people have not only crashed your holiday, but on top of that wont share a room. No free accommodation is worth this! I know you said you really need a holiday, but this won't be relaxing in any way. If I were you I'd be tempted to let your DH go with his older children, and you and the baby stay home.

TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 14:35

What's the mood like when you discuss this with DH? Have you overheard any conversations between him and his parents?

I worry that they have an attitude of "there, there, dear" while eye-rolling at each other about the silly hysterical woman getting worked up about nothing. Appease you, get you to the holiday and then revert to their very sensible plan (in their minds) and ride roughshod over the silly woman.

How often does DH look after all three of his children alone? How often has he done that while also looking out for his elderly parents, one of whom he dislikes? How is he on the cooking, housework, child day to days, normally and normally on holidays?

How's your relationship with his ex? Could you call her for MIL advice?

Wow that's a lot of questions. I'm not expecting you to answer me! More to think of these things yourself.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 09/07/2019 14:36

I don't care how it looks to the exw. It isn't her business at all provided the kids are safe.
I wouldn't think it was suitable without dp with them due to their ages.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 09/07/2019 14:37

But she will care if her children are upset or annoyed by it.
It's a moronic idea and it shouldn't become a reality.

TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 14:38

Do you know if anything like this ever happened with the ex?

serenoa · 09/07/2019 14:39

If tents are being considered, it's FiL and (D)P should should be camping. Two tents if preferred, or one bigger tent and they can natter away about this hobby they share.

No way should the kids be sleeping outside, unsupervised, in a foreign country where they don't speak the language, not to mention risks you can't know anything about.

I'd be staying at home with the youngest and leave all the preparations to those actually going. D(P) knows how to use the washing machine, find the passports, sort and do the packing, order a taxi to get to the airport, etc?

This is so unreasonable on the part of the inlaws. Stay at home with your little one, OP, get a nice grocery order delivered, maybe catch up with some books you've always wanted to read, sleep when the baby sleeps. If you don't have a Kindle, Amazon's prime sale starts next Monday!

Best of luck with this.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 09/07/2019 14:39

I don't speak to his exw, I've know her since I was a child and we have never got on. So it isn't personal, we're from the same area.
He has kids 40% generally good dad if a bit disney. He tends to let hobbies take over hence the strict guidelines on this is a family holiday only.
The kids like outdoor stuff so. Hour riding, beaches, go karts, rock pools, - normal. Under 12 stuff.
He's never been with elderly parents and kids together for more than a few hours. Hence my premonition it will be a disaster.

OP posts:
TheInvestigator · 09/07/2019 14:40

If my ex took my kids on holiday with this ridiculous plan, then I would be putting a stop to it. It’s completely idiotic. I won’t let my kids end up in a situation where they are in a different country and upset/angry because of something which was known about before they were even taken. It’s hardly going to be a nice, happy trip with you lot being angry at each other. Even if you don’t say it out loud, it will be pretty bloody obvious that you’re not happy with the situation.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 09/07/2019 14:41

The kids are not going in tents for safety concerns due to ages unless dp. Is with them as its not okay.
Not. It isn't exw business at all what happens on our holiday provided kids are cared for adequately. Which they will be, obviously, or I wouldn't be as worried!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 09/07/2019 14:43

It is up to dp and his exw, its literally nothing to do with me how they resolve any issues.
I know she wouldn't go away with pil later in the marriage as kids got older (I suspect this may be why!)

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 09/07/2019 14:50

Yup I strongly suspect that this will be a first and last time for you too!

TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 15:06

Does DH have a plan yet for dealing with his mother on holiday? Coping strategies? It sounds like his holiday will be ruined too and potentially his marriage. Given that his mum and dad have form he must have an expectation of the likely fuckery to take place. You two need to agree in advance all the things that might happen and how you will handle jointly handle them. Kind of get your ducks in a row.

Strategies are needed for his dad too. His dad didn't shut any of this down. He's not the good guy. He will want to use his normal strategy for conflict, bugger off with his son to do something fun elsewhere while refusing to take a stand.

Plan ahead.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2019 15:29

Dp has promised he won't be going anywhere without all the children.

I am psychic, wooooohooooo and I predict that DP will ask in front of kids and/or PIL for a pass at some point. You will feel that you either have to say yes or create a scene.

If I am right, send 50 quid to MadameTerryPratchett.

IrmaFayLear · 09/07/2019 15:39

The pil not sharing a room thing...

Some years ago we invited the pil for Christmas (aaaggghh!!!) and put them in the same room. I had had an exhausting Christmas Day what with small children, cooking the dinner and dancing round the pil. At 2am dh heard a noise and fil was sitting downstairs in his coat, as mil said she couldn't share with him. Then mil got up and said she was cold and she'd like a new hot water bottle and Horlicks (Horlicks?!). Of course now ds was up and bouncing around and the baby was awake and... I was absolutely done for .

Happynow001 · 09/07/2019 16:14

He's never been with elderly parents and kids together for more than a few hours. Hence my premonition it will be a disaster.
All the more reason to leave him to it whilst you and baby have a relaxing week at home, chilling.

It might also put some steel into your DP for next time...

TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 16:23

What would happen if you just went ahead and booked a little place down the road for you and baby?

Wallywobbles · 09/07/2019 16:38

Is there a garden. Tents for sleeping? Big old rent in decathlon for 109€

Wallywobbles · 09/07/2019 16:47

The decathlon tents have options for multiple rooms, black out interiors and separate rooms. Really reasonable. I'd sleep out there happily and I'm not a camper. At all. Ever. Have a look online.

TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 16:50

Get a tent is going to be the new cancel the cheque.

If the three of them can't share a bedroom without squabble then a tent in a garden would be even worse for squabble. Especially when so young. Mine would have come in scared at that age.

nevermorelenore · 09/07/2019 17:10

A tent doesn’t solve many of the problems such as having to share living spaces with PIL who sound exhausting, the potential for DH to go off with his dad and leave poor OP with the kids, or being on PIL’s territory which will change the entire dynamic of the holiday.

I’d seriously look for somewhere as far away from the airport as you can stand to drive. Or call the airline and see what the penalties would be for changing dates, then maybe look at dates that are cheaper/have more availability for accommodation.

Motoko · 09/07/2019 18:25

I suspect the reason they haven't been to their holiday home in 3 years, is because they don't drive. With you going, they have a driver on tap. I bet that was their intention all along, and if you all pulled out of going, they won't go either.

I've had something a bit similar, so I ended up not going, and staying home with my 2 older children from my 1st marriage, while my partner (now ex!) and our toddler went on holiday with the ILs.

I suggest you do the same, and stay at home with the baby. It will still be relaxing. Or, could you and baby stay at your parents' holiday home? It'll feel more like a proper holiday then.

I agree with others, that I don't trust your partner to not say what you want to hear, but then change things once you're out there, and can't do anything about it. Hence the advice to stay at home.

TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 18:49

How well do you know his children? Might it actually be nice for them to spend time with their dad alone now baby is here? It can be very reassuring to them to know they've not been replaced and they are still worthy of their own attention.

You could claim PND plus the the above as reasoning for why you and baby should stay at home. By the time they get back you'll all feel like you had a proper break and good bonding.

Use the PND as a way to back out of the holiday nicely. I would. It's true too. This "holiday" will fuck up your mental health. It already is doing. You can't be messing with that with PND. Apply your own oxygen mask first.

I bet there's a bunch of stuff you could do alone at home that would feel brilliant. Watch movies in your pants eating party rings. Play loud music your DH hates. Nap multiple times a day. Get a babysitter just so you can go to the gym or a gallery on your own. Cook nothing. Cook everything that only you like. Kondo the fuck out of your sock drawer while singing along to the Killers that one might be particular to me; party rings biscuits too

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 09/07/2019 18:52

Yeah all good plans. I'm going away with me and my mom and baby in September when dp is working away anyway as I've had to take leave to cover the childcare.
So this was our on eholiday together.

I'm optimistic dp will sort it. Another option is baby in with grandma... That might force pil to share!

OP posts:
EdtheBear · 09/07/2019 23:28

Absoultely baby in with GM.
Any boys not particularly good sleepers? Put them in with GF.

Make it absoultely crystal clear that 3 children are not sharing one room. And baby is not sharing with you.
Every reason, real or stretched as you can imagine. Get that agreed asap.