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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Summer holiday but now the in laws are coming, I really don't want to go

588 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/07/2019 10:28

Just this really. In laws own a holiday home in Europe. We asked last year if we could have it for a week they said yes, we offered money they declined. All good. Booked travel etc and told kids (my 3 dsc, their grandchildren and one mine ds their grandchild also).
The house just sleeps everyone so fine.

They announced yesterday they are coming too holiday is in 4 weeks time. My dp and his parents don't really get on well, he does with his dad but not his mom. He's not happy and dreading it. Plus his mom n dad won't share a room not even a twin room. So now me, dp and very loud 12mth old will have to share a room and the other three mixed sex older children will have to share.

I'm dreading going now. The sleeping arrnagments are not great, dp and his mom will argue, his dad will try and take dp away for their joint hobby in the surrounding area and leave me with all the kids. Which isn't happening as its my holiday too.

I know it's their home plus free etc but it feels rude that they have done this esp when we asked well in advance and it's causes havoc with sleeping arrangments.

I know Iabu but I just don't want to go at all now as it will be very awkward. But the older kids are really looking forward to it.

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 08/07/2019 21:30

I bet they have booked because they want to control you or don’t trust you not to wreck the place. I doubt it is to spend time with you. I would book somewhere else. How far is this place from the airport? You don’t need to stay near the apartment if the airport is further away. This may widen your search for a hotel some.

EdtheBear · 08/07/2019 21:36

I'm really not sure on the tent idea.
How secure is the garden?
How old are the children?
Would they want to stay in a tent?
Would they feel pushed out?

I still think accommodation a couple of hours drive in the opposite direction.

Its quite clear ILs either don't trust you / the children or they want to gatecrash your holiday.

TowelNumber42 · 08/07/2019 21:37

You cannot trust them.

Even nice one bed places will get booked up. Find something lovely for you and baby. Maybe a hotel so you don't have to cook or clean, maybe one with a listening service.

Make it clear to DH that you will go home if he leaves you alone with MIL for even 5 mins.

It sounds like the exW has the measure of her ex-PILs. Can you be a bit more like her on this one, given she probably learned the hard way, you can leapfrog some of that by learning from her.

Teaandcrisps · 08/07/2019 21:37

Good for you OP - holidays are stressful enough with kids but PIL too and over crowded space - no way.

Nogoodusername · 08/07/2019 22:58

You would have a way better holiday at home with you and the baby. If you go, not only will you be in cramped accommodation and getting no sleep, but you will also be sole childcare for your baby and three step children while your DP is out with his Dad all day, and doing cooking and cleaning as MIL isn’t fit enough. It will be the holiday from hell. You’ve got more chance of eating lazy food and drinking coffee at home!

flyingspaghettimonster · 09/07/2019 00:12

Just cancel. I have been having a rough time with my inlaws the past year or so, culminating in a massive blow up last time we stayed with them. We had a cottage booked for a weeks stay later this month, but the people we were going with didn't pay their half and we couldn't afford to pay the extra $550 ourselves. My in laws offered to pay it and join us, bit the whole point of the cottage was that it could accommodate us with our dogs for a trip full of hikes and outdoor activities, and they can't stand our dogs. As much as I wanted to still take the vacation, I knew I would be miserable the whole time because it would go from being some much needed family downtime to a 'do everything MIL wants' prison. So I cancelled rsther than go with them. We lost 20% in fees, bit it is still worth it not to spoil the trip.

Howlovely · 09/07/2019 07:26

I don't think it's fair to suggest children sleeping in living room/tents etc or OP staying elsewhere, surely the idea is that it's a family holiday, where they all spend time together, as a family. Not making do, squashing up, having to consider the ILs, etc. This is not what the OP signed up for. It won't be a relaxing holiday and will be a complete waste of money. I really think the only way to salvage any sort of holiday is to tell the ILs that you now cannot stay and frantically look elsewhere for accommodation within a 3 hour drive of the airport. Let them know how unreasonable they are being. They won't share a room yet expect everybody else to squash in and fight and get rubbish sleep whilst on holiday? That is not the idea of holidays. My god they are so selfish! You deserve to have the family holiday you planned, not done sort of make do squished sleepover at the ILs house with you staying somewhere with baby or kids in tents or on the floor! No way!

ems137 · 09/07/2019 07:32

I'm also not sure how I'd feel, as the older kids mum, about them sleeping in a tent, unattended in a garden in a foreign country.

EdtheBear · 09/07/2019 08:08

That's it exactly the tent idea is maybe fine if the kids are teens and it's a secure garden but much younger - it would be a no from me.

Lillyhatesjaz · 09/07/2019 08:37

I would have DH sleeping in the tent with the children, make it an exciting adventure spending time with daddy. It will also ensure that this situation never happens again.

CoraPirbright · 09/07/2019 08:53

I agree totally with Howlovely. I would ditch the entire thing, tell the PILs that you cannot use their house now they have decided to stay there on the very dates you booked so long ago. They are selfish, thoughtless gits.

OP please do tell us just the airport you are flying into. It won’t be at all outing. Your PILs place could be a couple of hours in any direction so no one will ever know. People on here are geniuses at coming up with alternative solutions. We CAN rescue your holiday even now!

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 09/07/2019 09:04

Kids are 8, 9 and 11. So I don't think old enough for tents without their dad with them.
.
Dp is allegedly sorting it. If they will share then that's three rooms. Which is just about manageable.
The other issues around relaxing and stuff. I'm going to going pretty much do exlusibly what we planned and they can come or not. Dp has promised he won't be going anywhere without all the children.

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 09/07/2019 09:19

Have the in-laws said anything else?

katewhinesalot · 09/07/2019 09:22

Hold him to it. Under no circumstances are you to be left with all the children. If he doesn't want to spend time with mil, then I doubt you'll be spending much time in the house.
Good luck.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 09/07/2019 09:25

Dp has promised he won't be going anywhere without all the children.

This is a stitch up and given his previous spineless form you’d be silly to be believe this.

I guarantee

  1. even if GPs share they will complain and after the first or second night and want to swap room arrangement around
  2. Your DP will disappear and he “won’t have been able to help it”.

I would post the airport and let MN find you a new let so they can’t ruin your holiday

Gazelda · 09/07/2019 09:27

I think you're now of the mindset that you're going. How awful for them to put you in this position.
Can you tell your DH that you'll spend 1 meal a day max with them. And no more than 1 big day our all together? A couple of half days together and the rest of the time you'll spend just you DP and the DC.
But whatever happens, unless they agree to share a bedroom, none if you will be going.
I hope you can get this sorted and agreed within the next day or two so that you can get your head around the situation and lay ground rules that work for you
If you let this fester, stress will undoubtedly build.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/07/2019 09:39

Who's cooking? The PIL, now that they're hosting you? Or do they somehow think that two more people won't be any trouble for your family to cater for?

What are the chances they'll fit in around your menu and mealtimes (especially if these are planned to suit the DC)?

ChuckleBuckles · 09/07/2019 09:45

Dp has promised he won't be going anywhere without all the children

Yeah, he is spinning you a line with that one OP, enjoy your break away cooking, cleaning and being a skivvy to the IL's all cramped together with no proper sleep or rest. You do realise that they decided to go when you were so you could be available to cook and clean for them don't you? Time to invest in a partner with a spine that will consider you rather than play spineless jellyfish to his parents.

blackteasplease · 09/07/2019 09:54

This has "FIL wanted a golfing holiday with his son" written all over it. It's why they haven't gone before.

I can't comment on whether your DH will stick to his agreement not to go anywhere at all without the kids- if you have any suspicion don't go. If you go.make sure he's made this crystal clear before you go.

MzHz · 09/07/2019 09:58

They are not going to share tho! They will get there before you, and leave after you, and it’s their house.

This has the potential to damage relations between you all forever.

MzHz · 09/07/2019 10:00

I also agree that DH promise won’t be worth a bean once he’s there, and you will be Bad Guy in trying to ruin his/fil holiday.

You are in a no win scenario

firawla · 09/07/2019 10:02

Poor you, this is so shit of them. I wouldn’t be making do like this. Honestly, if you can find somewhere even within 2 or 3 hours drive from the airport in the opposite direction, it will give you much more of a proper holiday and send a message! There must be somewhere?! I don’t think it’s fair for your family to be split up with you and the baby elsewhere

blackteasplease · 09/07/2019 10:03

Yeah and I agree they will just arrive and take up two rooms.

TowelNumber42 · 09/07/2019 10:04

Are you scared of your DP being upset or huffy? It feels like it.

As a person on the edge of PND, I think you are far better off taking his huff now as you book your airbnb. Otherwise you will be the skivvy, the PILs sharing a room won't happen for more than one night.

You've got a bunch of people with form for being both selfish and doormats. When your options are reduced you'll see they revert to putting you last. Let's face it, if your DH was interested in what's best for you then he would have booked the hotel for you himself already.

TheRedBarrows · 09/07/2019 10:09

OP the info that you have PND is important.

I would put this first and centre in your decision making, and your communication with your DH and ILs.

They need to fully ‘get’ the effect of bad sleep, and the work involved in childcare if your DH vamooses off with FIL.

Given that none of them seem to fully embrace or recognise your MH needs I would either not go, or find alternative accommodation, and cite your very real sleep needs and restorative family time needs.

It is unfortunate that freebies come with strings. If they look to strangle you, then ditch the freebie without resentment.