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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off by my friend's career snobbery?

120 replies

Oddychaj · 07/07/2019 14:02

DD is starting Year 13. She wants to do her degree in pediatric nursing, but is aware the course is competitive and plans to do adult nursing then get the further qualifications for neonatal on top of that if she can't do pediatric. Her preferred uni is Central Lancashire. We expect her to get all of the grades required etc. Was having coffee yesterday with a friend and was a little shocked by what she said. We were talking about our DC and I said:

"DD is looking to go into pediatric nursing or potentially neonatal. We've looked at a few unis and are very optimistic."

She responded:

"Why hasn't she looked at being a doctor? She seems clever enough and I'd say it's much more rewarding."

I was quite thrown. DD is clever and I expect her to get the grades for nursing with flying colours, but she's unlikely to get A's and A* across the board. Probably a mix of A's and B's. Which I see absolutely no problem with. She also stated to me she's not interested in doctor as it's a much longer course and has more elements to it that she's not interested in. I told my friend this and she responded "If my DS (15) decides to go into the medical field I will be pushing him towards doctor." I changed the subject.

AIBU to be quite insulted? We are from a working class background and DD will be one of 2 family members on my side to have gone to uni. So it's very exciting for us. I don't like hearing her chosen career will be inferior.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 07/07/2019 14:05

It's not insulting for someone to ask the question. If DD wants to be a nurse, that's great. But plenty of people, especially women, lack confidence to go for what they really want or could achieve, so it's good for them to be challenged to see if they are 'settling' for less, or picking the thing they really want.

WorraLiberty · 07/07/2019 14:06

She sounds like a killjoy chip-pisser to be honest.

But it's not for you to feel personally insulted as it's not your chosen uni course or career, it's your daughter's.

Also if she thinks she can push her child into anything at that age, she's got a short, sharp shock coming.

Just ignore her.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/07/2019 14:06

It’s none of her business and she had no right to foist her judgements on you.

Idontwanttotalk · 07/07/2019 14:12

Her chosen career is just that - her choice. She doesn't want to be a doctor. The choices aren't inferior and superior - just different choices.

I can't stand parents who live vicariously through their kids. What your kids do is a reflection of who they are, not who their parents are. Your friend obviously doesn't get this. I'd want a child to be happy in whatever role they choose, not stressed trying to live up to their parents' ambitions.

Teateaandmoretea · 07/07/2019 14:14

People are strange. There are really good jobs in nursing but we get far too brainwashed by it's negative image. Yanbu, your dd sounds like a mature, focused young lady.

SioJ · 07/07/2019 14:19

Ignore your friend. They’re different careers and your daughter has to choose what is right for her.
For what it’s worth I’m a doctor and I could not/would not want to be a nurse. And the nurses I have met would not want to be doctors either. It’s a different skill set with neither being better than the other in my opinion.

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 07/07/2019 14:24

Someone said this to me when I told them my DSis was going into nursery. Frankly, I think it’s total snobbery.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 14:27

Why would she suggest anything else?

When I tell people what I do for work, I don't expect them to suggest alternatives because they think my work isn't good enough.

She was rude.

Thatnovembernight · 07/07/2019 14:31

Yes she was rude. Your daughter sounds great Smile

Original poster
Oddychaj · 07/07/2019 14:32

Almost wish I'd responded "So you think it'd be better for her to waste her time and become overwhelmed on a degree she's not interested in to please other people? Only for her to go into a job she's unhappy with or drop out of the degree? Who would that benefit?".

OP posts:
Iggly · 07/07/2019 14:33

It's not insulting for someone to ask the question. If DD wants to be a nurse, that's great. But plenty of people, especially women, lack confidence to go for what they really want or could achieve, so it's good for them to be challenged to see if they are 'settling' for less, or picking the thing they really want

^this

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 07/07/2019 14:39

Shes pissed on your parade a bit yanbu

InsertFunnyUsername · 07/07/2019 14:42

Its rude to give your unwanted opinion on DC career paths. So YANBU. Its not like she said "ooh long hours and hard work ahead" or something like that, so YANBU.

CatOnASwing · 07/07/2019 14:44

It's not insulting for someone to ask the question. If DD wants to be a nurse, that's great. But plenty of people, especially women, lack confidence to go for what they really want or could achieve, so it's good for them to be challenged to see if they are 'settling' for less, or picking the thing they really want

I also agree with this. I also believe in aiming as high as possible straight out of the starting gates as its much easier to dial back than it is to go further from a low stating point IYSWIM?

For example, if your DD is bright enough to cope with a medical degree, far better to to that and then look at nursing if thats what she ultimately wants to do.

MsTSwift · 07/07/2019 14:45

Hmm. Maybe she meant well some young women do self limit. My friend was adamant that she wanted to leave school at 16 and work in a bank like her sister the senior teachers spoke to her at length so she was persuaded to do a levels got a good degree and got on a graduate training scheme for a bank

bluebeck · 07/07/2019 14:45

I would consider this normal conversation really, discussing different careers choices for older DC.

Unless there is a big back story of her behaving in a way that suggests she thinks she is better than you, I would say you have overreacted a bit.

I am sure your DD will make a success of whatever she chooses.

CatOnASwing · 07/07/2019 14:46

FWIW, some aspects of all degrees are boring, as are some aspects of all careers.

I think we would be better off as parents managing our DC's expectations, rather than allowing them to believe that there is a perfect course/career/partner out there for them.

InsertFunnyUsername · 07/07/2019 14:46

Why i said YANBU twice, ill never know!

CloudRusting · 07/07/2019 14:46

I also don’t see bringing it up as problematic. Given she is coming from a WC largely non uni educated background your friend may have thought she was unduly limiting her options.

As a profession generally doctors are higher up the medical hierarchy and paid better. No point pretending otherwise. That doesn’t make nursing “inferior” or unworthy but if I had a highly academic child you was aiming for nursing I’d want to make sure they had thoroughly thought through the consequences of their decisions.

Given she comes from a family that hasn’t

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 14:47

Maybe she meant well some young women do self limit.

Er, aiming to be a paediatric or neonatal nurse is NOT self limiting. It's a good career, with incalculable value to so many families.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 07/07/2019 14:48

I agree with @bridgetreilly

tttigress · 07/07/2019 14:48

Seams pretty mean, I all was try to (verbally) supply my friends children.

To be honest I think there are a lot of doctors that are only doing the job because they were forced to by their parents.

Hithere12 · 07/07/2019 14:49

If she’s not naturally top 1-2% IQ why should she put her through the stress?

My cousin is reasonably intelligent but he’s not a genius and is doing a law degree, he spent 5 hours a day studying for straight A’s and had no social life. He is stressed constantly. I’m sorry but why put yourself through that? It’s not for you.

Hazza000 · 07/07/2019 14:49

Being a nurse is not 'less than being a dr' just a different career. Nursing has evolved to be almost unrecognisable from the past. Those who are not in the medical field have little real idea or insight into what nurses really do now a large proportion of their time now is spent doing what junior doctors used to do. Cannulation venepuncture placing picc lines giving chemo running clinics and now many are taking on prescriber roles. Its old handmaiden to doctors role has vanished into the mists and previous tasks now undertaken largely by the healthcare assistant, such as personal care. Nursing is a complex demanding job for those who think for themselves as practitioners and if my daughter went into nursing or midwifery I would be proud as punch.
I hope this helps.

VeThings · 07/07/2019 14:52

My impression of nursing is that it’s a very undervalued career. Nurses work very hard but are woefully underpaid for the amount of work and stress it involves.

Has DD really considered medicine properly? Maybe she’s gone down the road of nursing as that seems more attainable than becoming a doctor?

She may look back and wonder why she didn’t go for medicine (assuming she’s bright enough) when she’s working just as hard as doctors who earn thousands more than her.