To seriously consider leaving “D”P because his hygiene is atrocious?

[Zeldamarioandkong]

Just that really.
He hasn’t showered for 8 days. 8. No depression, just a lazy shit of a man. Has to be reminded daily to brush his teeth, if I don’t tell him, it doesn’t get done. He works in an office so I highly doubt it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Sick to bloody death of living with a man child. We have 1 DC and have been together 10+ years, luckily we aren’t married. I can’t live the rest of my life with a disgusting hobbit who doesn’t respect me or himself enough to wash daily.
I’m a very clean person, like to keep a tidy home and look/smell nice. This disgusting behaviour really does trigger me and makes me feel physically sick. And no, I’m not having sex with him. Couldn’t think of anything worse at the moment, with this heat I dread to think of the state his ‘area’ is in
Pissed off and fed up. What should I do? Should I try and make it work and hope he changes, or cut my losses and make arrangements to leave him.

That. Is. Rank.

Sometimes my DH skips a day and I throw him out of the bedroom.

What Screaming said. FFS. Why are people's standards so low? He's rank.

My ex husband was like this and I agree, it's a deal breaker.

The fact that he actually said he didn't need to make the effort now he has you.... no respect at all.

If you can afford to leave and this is a DB for you.. go for it. I don't blame you at all.

You gave him an ultimatum, so now you have to follow through. Well done on the jobseeking plan - it's a good start.
He doesn't respect you, and I can't see it getting any better. By staying with him, you are basically saying it's ok really, and you're happy to be with him at any price. I hope he gets the message SOON.

I agree with everyone and you do need to just get him out.

BUT I will say I have depression and other mental health issues I can go a long time without washing, just the basics etc my husband helps me through and will make up a bath for me and stuff but I know if I have to go anywhere else that I can look awful so I will force myself to shower or bathe. This post though has made me feel kind of shit and wondering if my husband secretly hates me. I don't not shower because of laziness, the actual thought of it makes me so anxious which yes is ridiculous and I can see that as I shower every day and I'm good just now.

In saying all that I don't really think it is really depression with him, it sounds like he is thinking he has his life and you and he needs no effort to maintain it 🤷 prove to him he does.

When I ask him to sort it out and make and effort his reply is “I don’t have to make an effort, I’ve already got you. I don’t have to impress you anymore”.
So he really feels so little for you that he believes this? And he believes this because you've been unable/unwilling to follow through?

What do you actually want to do about this - barring any more ultimatum which he will not believe?

And when we actually do DTD he doesn’t smell clean at all, even though he’s showered before hand. It feels like his hygiene is so sparse that when he does decide to wash it’s just scraping the surface.
Ugh! This is just muddying the waters - I'm not sure I'd go there even if I was grateful he'd had a wash.

No he doesn’t work hard. He’s only working at the place where he is now because I applied for it for him. He lost his previous job because he kept calling in sick.

You seem to be the only one working on your "partnership" - why do you put up with this? And what lessons are your DC learning from this?

Why are you with someone who doesn't care about you, or your DC, or his job, etc to do anything positive for your relationship?

Sorry OP but you surely deserve more than this?!

Great you are applying for other jobs but I also suggest you speak with Citizens Advice to see what benefits you might be entitled to if (when) you give him his marching orders or go online to https://www.entitledto.co.ukk_. You may find that you are in a better place financially once you have split up and give you some breathing space whilst you get settled, look for a new job, childcare etc.

Also agree with Anyfucker.

It sounds like you've made the decision to end it, but given your lifestyle you need to get things sorted first - but making the decision is the first step.

Dont be disheartened if you cant get a job sorted straight away, many places put off recruitment until after holidays as getting managers and HR people available at the same time for interviews can be tricky, but if you can be shut of him by Christmas youd be a lot happier.

Definitely have a word at work and say youd rather do day shifts so if anyone quits over the summer, can you be considered for it.

Good luck

@Zeldamarioandkong I think you should leave but I'd also question is he has either a mental health issue (depression) or perhaps is not neurotypical (Aspergers/ASD.) Neither are your issues to solve but it may go someway to explain why he doesn't fall into social norms for normal personal hygiene.

Sounds to me as if he just physically disgusts you. Did he always? Did you ever like his smell?

You have my sympathy. 'Mine' hasn't showered since November 2017 and only then cos we were in a b&b before a funeral. He hasn't been to a dentist in 40 years. We don't share a bedroom (obv). I only recently discovered there was no bathroom in his family home-even tho his father had his own building company. I've always done everything in the house including repairs & decorating. (He recently told me my mobile was ringing-it was the washing machine signalling the cycle had finished!)He's well-respected in the community, a great father when the kids were small but a c--p husband. I've always tried to take with my appearance-its not hard to keep clean & 'tidy' and find it really disrespectful that he can't/doesn't want to do the same. I'm in my mid-sixties, can't bear the thought of living out the rest of my life like this but to scared of leaving/starting again. (I know-a woman or a wuss). Sorry for the rant.

The not showering and not cleaning teeth, while utterly disgusting, is not the biggest problem here.
He seems to have a dubious work history - you had to find a job for him. He is lazy around the house. He doesn't take proper care of the DC - saying the DC didn't want a bath etc. He is disrespectful to you.
He doesn't want to shower and keep clean because he doesn't see why he has to. He also doesn't see why he should do jobs around the house. He is an entitled manchild and he needs to be on his bike ASAP.

I had an ex like this. He never washed his hair - it got really long and greasy and stunk and his scalp got infected. He showered about once a week and wouldn't wear deodorant. He cleaned his teeth about once every three days - he claimed brushing too often damaged the enamel.
He couldn't stick at a job either - would work for a while and then be unemployed and laze around the house playing on his computer. When I asked him to do a job around the house he would say "I'm not feeling very well/happy at the moment" or the classic one "I'm feeling too depressed today".
I thought he was depressed at first but he refused to seek any kind of medical help. Some people who are depressed do neglect their hygiene and it can be one of the first signs as someone upthread mentioned in her case. But I think you can sort of tell if you look carefully enough whether it really is depression or not. In the case of my ex it wasn't. Basically he was a lazy, disrespectful fucker and I kicked him out in the end..... the day he had been sanctioned by the unemployment office (I'm in another country) because he refused to start a job immediately that they had found for him. He phoned me wailing and crying saying he was in "a deep black hole with no way out". When I got back home, his stinking ass was sitting in my clean bed eating a takeaway pizza, drinking a bottle of beer and looking on the internet at a particular cycle race he wanted to take part in.

Self-entitled arsehole - just like your DP.
Get rid of him - I think it sounds like the relationship has come to an end anyway. He can't be bothered to make an effort for you so it shows that he is not that invested in the relationship.

You'll feel much better when you get rid and your home smells sweet again. There was a general fug that invested the entire flat when my stinking ex was living here.

gymraes please take inspiration from the OP and get this stink bomb out.

I think you were right the first time @findingmyfeet

Woah. Even in the grips of HG and the shower being a massive trigger I used to get myself in there and kneel on the floor to get through it.

Not showering for 8 days is disgusting.

He is lazy, that's it. No depression, selfish and lazy. And stinking.

He told you he didn’t need to impress you he’s got. Not if you walk away. getting washed isn’t about impressing you it’s about his own hygiene and wanting to be clean where is his self respect he doesn’t respect you walk away before he teaches dc it’s ok to be smelly and unwashed. his colleagues must hate being near him I know I would there’s no excuse for this unless you have no running water. walk away why you can. you won’t change him he’s capable he did it for a lads night out you are not important enough for him to do this he should want to do it for him. I feel for you especially as your very patient for putting up with him this far.

He says he doesn't have to impress you. You got him a job. You are picking up the pieces. What does he need to make an effort for? He doesn't believe you will leave or else he would clean up his act. You need to leave or kick him out. He is a man not a child, he needs to act like it xx

Gut feeling he's depressed
Thinks you're too good for him and is subconsciously or perhaps party consciously wanting to prove he is right and he's not worth you by making it happen.
Something wrong psychologically
Either make a shock point separate one month until he improves or
Say you think that there's definitely something wrong with him, he's making you miserable so see a doctor.

Feels odd 'punching' ' finds you attractive'
Will not do things for you.

Could mention to mil

Blurgh. I can go maximum 1 day without a shower which is rare. I couldn’t imagine going 8 days in this heat!

Show him this thread and he might see how grim it is

LEAVE HIM.

I could have wrote this 4 years ago. My DH did this and more I ask him to shower more he didn't. His feet smell very bad and he would blame the work boots, but would get home and change all his others apart from underwear and the socks that you clear could see was drenched. Soon he would open the front door the smell would be in, I would think one of the kids has a dirty diaper as the smell. I was putting the kids in my bed every nigh and never spend time at same room as him. He would ignore all my pleas, once I even begged him to wash only his feet if he couldnt be bother to have a shower. Thank God for his manager to tell him off at work when every one started complaining. He came home went straight to the shower and now showers daily. You know what he told me? That because I whinged about everything he thought wasn't that bad. Like my life is whinged for nothing.

My ex was just like this. He’d not wash for days. It was repulsive. He didn’t change his clothes barely either. You could feel the grime on his shorts or jeans and he’d just roll them into a roll ready for the next day.
I understand completely how embarrassing it is. His clothes would just sag on him as they’d loose their elasticity from being worn so often without being washed.
He also has fungal nail but refuses to acknowledge so would never treat it. Just drag his filthy feet around the house.
I say get rid of him. He clearly can’t be arsed for you. It’s offensive to you.
My ex too would think having a shower meant he’d get sex. What a dick.

I was wondering if your partner was a regular cannabis user at all.I have known a few people before,who smoke a lot of weed, and lose any incentive to do mostly anything on a daily basis. It maybe in their minds to do things,but they never get round to doing anything of any use.

It was just a thought,as I knew of a guy once,who used weed all the time,and he looked like a mucky caveman in appearance,and just seemed to drift around in life, in and out of jobs, etc.He had a partner and child I think.

Grim.

Can you get au pairs where you live? They might be pleased to have to look after a sleeping child at night.

sexyfurrytigre
My DH is delusional like yours. I kick him out so many time that now I don't bother anymore. He thinks tha any judge in his right mind will let him have the kids. I work nights so I need him as childcare. He even can't be bother to wake up and look after the children when I come home in the morning, this morning I kick him out of the bed and said I can't sleep if you are sleeping so get up! He was huffing and puffing. Soon the kids are old enough to look after themselves I am hoping to leaving him.