Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

Your mother needs at least the opportunity to change it. Even if she is ill I would go down this route first. Explain there has been a misunderstanding. Your child stands to be really hurt. If this does not work, give your share to the child. Keep the will reading private.
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There is no need or likelihood that any of the grandchildren will ever see the will.
You don't know why your parents made the decision they did, and now is not the time to ask. The older generations sometimes had ideas about "blood relatives" taking precedence, but who knows.
You can gift your adopted child the equivalent amount from your own portion of the estate and ask your siblings to keep schtum.
Whether you let this "forever taint" your memory of your parents is your decision. Usually it's best to accept that they had their reasons and it doesn't erase all the good they did in their lives.

My parents have included my brother’s step-daughter in their wills despite my brother and her mum being divorced for years. She doesn’t know who her real dad is and she lived with my brother for most of her childhood so my parents wanted to make sure she wasn’t left out.

It’s truly awful they have left out a child you have raised as your own.

Is your mum in a position to change it?

said at the start of the thread

@changedagainly the DGC I mentioned who made a successful claim in Scotland were supported by an aunt and uncle who encouraged them to do it. The aunt and uncle had already said they would take a lesser share to ensure all the DGC were treated equally (and they easily had the money to do that), and indeed stumped up the solicitor fees with no request for money to come back but felt that it was absolutely shocking that their DM had done this and had no indication that was the way she had felt about the DGC either. One of their siblings - and also exectuor - did not agree (even though the other DGC who stood to have a decreased share totally did), hence the need to go to solicitors. I really hope you can avoid all of that but if your DC finds out (hopefully they won't) and is gutted about the way the DGM behaved, at least they will know their DM has got their back.

I don't think you can count on the other siblings reducing their share to cover your adopted DC. From personal experience, I can't see this happening.

You will have to make good the deficit from your share. In your position I would do this without hesitation.

And, if you have to disclose the Will's contents, I would frankly lie. I would say your DM realised the "mistake" but it was too late to fix it and so you agreed with her how to make sure they were recognised. Because that's the kind thing to do.

Is the adopted child the youngest? If so, is it possible they simply neglected to add this child.

I think you have answered your own question OP. If the bulk of the money is shared between you and your sibling with a small amount for the grandchildren, just give your son his share from what you inherit. I did this when my father died and the will had been written before my third son was born. There is no need to mention any of this or to bother your seriously ill mother with it. If you start writing to the grandchildren it will obviously become known and that really isn't necessary. As for how you feel, surely it's better for you to feel hurt than your son?

I'm not sure why posters keep mentioning a change to the will. Firstly OP's been clear that she doesn't want to request this, and even if she did it's almost certainly not possible ... the law requires testators to be "of sound mind" and it seems things have moved beyond that

I would at least ask your mum why. Might’ve been a mistake or not but you need to know. Doesn’t matter if you can’t change the will. I would not let your adopted child know about it. I would be devastated!

My MIL changed her will knowing she was dying. It was 2 months before she died. She didn't want it the way she had it for years.

I would be hurt and would want to protect my DC too.

The trouble with doing a deed of variation is that all the other beneficiaries will know that your child has been omitted from the will. I'd avoid that option tbh.

If you match the amount the other grand children are getting then there is no need for any agnsting or drama. I'm not sure it's that big a deal. I'd have assumed it was a mistake to be honest.

That is so wrong. Wonder why she did that. If I were u I would try and not let adopted child find out.....no benefit can come from him/her knowing. Give the same amount from your share (your sibling might be willing to help since it the best way to put right a massive wrong). Hope u are ok. What a hard situation.

Not that big a deal?! Wow.

Your DM is happy for your child to care for her, but hasn’t thought to include them equally (or at all). That would be devastating.

They wanted to leave their estate to blood relatives. I'm sorry, but i totally understand why, blood is just different to adopted to some people. Be glad they treated the DC the same all their lifetime, but if this is how they truly feel, you just have to accept it.

I would have to ask her because it would change my feelings about my parents to be honest. The trouble with the deed of variation is all siblings have to agree and if one doesn't that could fracture the family even further. I would either give some out of my share or speak to their sibling and ask about splitting, though that is a bit awkward for them too if they need the money

I think this is a terrible thing to do to your son

Even the pin heads at the Daily Mail are capable of cutting out your warnings. If you really don’t want them to print your story, don’t put it on a public forum.

Be bloody careful about tackling DM - she might say she hasn't changed her mind. Do you want to hear that?

I understand anyone who wouldn't want the answer to this, but I would try to gently and appropriately glean something. My DGM died with several unanswered questions that years later, hurt a lot.

I think I'm the sort of person that would just rather KNOW. I'm good at keeping my own counsel but I hate feeling helplessly in the dark. I quite understand the OP not wanting to say anything though, I really do.

I'm sorry OP.

People saying they assume it was "a mistake"...

Unless the will was written before you adopted your child it was clearly not a mistake and you have every right to feel as gutted for yourself as you do your DC.

Obviously you are going to put your DC first in the immediate term and suck it up if your siblings don't feel the same way as you do, but - either way - this must be so incredibly hard for you, your grief, your feelings, your need to "revise" your relationship with your parent(s). I hope you get to talk to someone who can help you work through all of that, no matter what the outcome of the will situation

My heart is breaking for you and your DC.

As executors of the will, are you able to just say to your children that Grandma wanted them both to have £XX and pay for your poor DC who's been left out?

As in...do they need to see that it was willed to them, or is your word enough? "Grandma gave ALL the grandchildren "X" amount.

This is heartbreaking for you and your child. Especially as your child has been so loving and caring to them. If I were you I’d try and speak to her about this for a few mins and ask for her reasons. It is probably unfortunately too late to make changes. But as pp said the actual execution of the will is dealt with by solicitors. Try and minimise the amount of people who know the facts of the will, and set aside (if you can) some money to equal the others grandchildren. Then try to leave it behind. Even though your child is an adult, this could be very damaging. 💙🍀

If a deed of variation can be hammered out, would the adopted child ever find out about it?

If you were to use part of your inheritance to cover your mother's tracks and prevent devastation, would your child be suspicious if an amount were to come to him in the form of a personal cheque from you?

Would you be able to ask the solicitor to put the money bequeathed to you and your biological child into the same escrow account and then have equal amounts (that are also equal to the amount the other grandchildren are getting) paid out of that to both of your children with the remainder going to you. That way it would all look official and suspicion might be avoided.

How rotten of your mother. What must society have been like when misanthropes like her were being told about right and wrong...

My aunt left my brother off her will all the other nephews and nieces got a small cash gift. She also deliberately left my dad off the well which was fine because they'd been at war for years. My uncle's were very generous and just gave my brother the same gift as all the other nephews and nieces which effectively came off their share but was more in Keeping with what my aunt had wanted.

We also never saw the will.

Just arrange for your adopted daughter to get the same gift as all the other grandchildren and don't ever mention it to her. The will was made a long time ago when your mum had only known her for 10 years. I agree it's not a good thing for her to have done but not worth letting it cast a massive shadow over your mum's end of life and your daughter's future memories of her Gran.

Will are public documents once probate is granted. So yes,absolutely they will find out. Do you think a codicil could be added?