Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

I wouldn't tell the adopted child. I would see he got an equal share either by a deed of variation or the executors agreeing to share out grandchildren portion of the will equally or by just using my own share to equal things up. I would hope my son never ever found out. If he ever does at least he would know that you did everything to protect him from this hurtful knowledge.

HRTFT, only the first post. Sorry.

I wondered if you could avoid your adopted child knowing about what's in the will at all, put in an equal amount to what was left to your other child and just imply it's an inheritance? Otherwise it will be so hurtful.

That’s just so disgraceful.

I actually would bring it up if I were in your place. I couldn’t not do so.

Jesus, that's awful. It would change how I felt about my parents completely. How cruel!

I think I would have to try to ask about it too. And definitely cover it up for the sake of your child.

I suppose they will reap what the sow in terms of how they will be remembered now.

The executers can't legally just agree to reduce the amount going to other GC to give the AGC a share. But the OP can give the DC a share from her own share.

You can easily word a letter that is vague enough to confuse
'Dear AC, As you know I am executor of DGM's estate. I have great pleasure in sending you this cheque for £10k.'

I would not tell your adopted child. I would give the same amount as the sibling gets out of anything left to you. I would not ask anyone else to contribute as the fewer people that this is discussed with the better. I would not discuss it with your other child either. I would keep it as low profile as you can.

OP, you've commented on several other posts but keep ignoring the one question dozens of posters have repeatedly asked: Can you match the amount your other child will get from your own share of the inheritance?

Giving your adopted child part of your inheritance is the only way to shield them from the hurtful truth. It's too late to get your mother to change her will and asking your siblings / nieces and nephews to give up some of their share poses the danger of word getting back to your child eventually.

If the wills are old, it is likely that it was written by both your mum and dad and it may be your dad rather than your mum who wanted to exclude your adoptive child. Obviously you will know what your parents' relationship was like.

Given that your child has been helping to care for your mother rather than your father, it might make a difference to know which parent pushed the decision. I'd be tempted to ask your mum in a lucid period for that reason.

Its upto her who she leaves her money to, it is what it is.
No way would I be asking someone who is dying to change their will. I'd just give them some of what I had been left.

I understand where Acrossthepond is coming from but there is nothing to be gained telling DC now when DM only has weeks to live. That is way too much to put on the DC and could regret their decision for the rest of their life - it's just too short an amount of time to process.

This is obviously not the way you want to go but...

"For children who have been legally adopted, exactly the same inheritance rules apply as do for biological children. If there is no Will, then they are entitled to inherit in the same way as biological children under inheritance rules. If there is a Will but they have been omitted they can make a claim against the Estate, just as a biological child could".

I don't know where you are in the UK and how it works with each different country but I do know DCG siblings who were disinherited and successfully made a claim in Scotland. Obviously this is really, really not the route you want to go down and is not your prime concern (clearly you are most concerned about your child's feelings) but if any of the siblings are anything less than willing to help you with this, you could reference the fact there are other avenues...

Sorry to hear that, OP.

Sorry, I've not read the whole thread so don't know if anyone has mentioned a deed of variation. Depending on the jurisdiction (England and Wales?), (and I think it requires all beneficiaries) - all the beneficiaries can agree to change the distribution of a will. You might be able to do this in a way that directs the appropriate amount of money to your (adopted) DC more formally than just you gifting some of what your receive. It may also remove that amount from your estate. Hopefully your DB/other executor will understand and agree. Might be tricky to 'hide' this from your (adopted) DC if the other beneficiaries are your other DC and your siblings DC to avoid hurt feelings..

No way would I be asking someone who is dying to change their will.

Has anyone suggested this?

Hope you can just agree with your sibs that it won't be mentioned to anyone and you can just send each gc the cash.

@TaxiPlease I'm not ignoring the question, yes I can and will do that of course but it's really not about the money.

I'm most concerned about my DC finding out and am also feeling very sad myself.

Thanks for all the replies

@Boysey45 I have quite clearly said up thread I wouldn't ever consider that

From personal experience, my grandparents wrote me out of their will when I was the only grandchild that ever visited them, etc etc etc. My mum tried to give me the same amount but I refused.in the end she divided it between my kids. I honestly don't think I will ever forget the sheer injustice of it.

Its upto her who she leaves her money to, it is what it is

Well obviously. But that doesn't mean it's not hurtful for an adopted child to be left out when they've shared the same close relationship - closer even, if they are doing all the caring now - as all the other grandchildren. "It's up to her who she leaves her money to" is not any type of consolation.

I'm most concerned about my DC finding out and am also feeling very sad myself.

Completely understandable. Sounds like you've been blindsided by this as you were under the impression they saw their grandchildren as being equal and now it seems it may just have been a polite pretence. I hope you can fudge it so your son never finds out.

Wills can be such cruel things.

I agree with previous posters that if you can, you should ask your mother. Not to change the will but to find out why, it could have been a mistake but you’ll never know once she’s gone :(

@boinky yes someone suggested asking the op mother to change it.

It’s a tricky convo to have but I did this with my ma airing 5 years ago and she realised her will wasn’t what she wanted anymore

Yes, OP could you say to your mother that you don't think she would like to leave this bitter taste? That maybe her will doesn't reflect how she feels now?

I would make sure the DM's instructions will be corrected - by you or the sibs ensuring the DGC all get the same amount - before the cruelly excluded DGC does any more unpaid caring for the old woman.

If you are the executor it is good to know what the will says before the person dies, precisely because of little surprises like this.

I inherited both parents' estates as the only living child and no grandchildren from my deceased sibling. The lawyer handled everything and I never saw a copy of either will. Mind you, I live in Scotland where there are legal stipulations as to how you leave your estate with regard to family.

Be bloody careful about tackling DM - she might say she hasn't changed her mind. Do you want to hear that?

Your children are extremely unlikely to find out unless someone tells them. Who are the executors?