Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

And strength to you in this difficult time. I hope your mother is comfortable and you are able to be with her in a peaceful way.

I'm so sorry, changedagainly.

Pipapikachooo suggests above that you could give your child money out of your share. Then no one else would have to know they were excluded. It's just a thought, depends how much is left really.

I feel awful for you and your chlld, it is deeply unfair.

Hithere - if wills are on line, they'll only be on after your gone - so stalker no longer an issue

I wasn't in my GM's will-it all went to my (full)sibling

And your sibling didn't just immediately split it wit you? Oh, that is sad. I can't imagine doing that to a sibling - I come to see how lucky I am with my family relationships.

estate is of a fairly significant value although the gift to DGC isn't very much, the bulk of it is all to my siblings and I

In that case, I'd definitely consider "matching" what the other grandkids get out of my own inheritance. The danger of asking others to share it is that the more people know, the greater the chance is of your own DC being devastated when someone mentions it

TBH, I'd probably avoid raising it with your DM too. If she had some hideous idea that your DC wasn't "proper family", terminal confusion might lead her to say something even worse ... and frankly it sounds as if there's been enough hurt as it is

To be clear I have absolutely no intention of asking my DM to change it, I respect my DPs right to do what they want I just feel very hurt and very worried for my DC.

That must have been an awful shock OP

I would tell both your kids and hope the other one does the right thing. If your mum isn't often lucid, you can't really ask her about it.
I bet it was something done or said so many years ago, that led to this.

@OhtheHillsareAlive I am so sorry

That's really shit of your parents, not just for your children but also for you.

How much are the other GC getting?

Can you afford to give it to your child from anything you may inherit?

Are you inheriting an amount that means you can easily compensate for it? This would be heartbreaking if your dd found out.

(Sorry - I phrased that badly. I just mean is it affordable for you to hide from your child. I obviously don't need to know the exact sum. If it was 1k then that's one thing, 10k another and 100k something else).

It's hurtful, but it's not that uncommon.

I wouldn't involve my siblings, people get funny about inheritance and you might not get the reaction you are hoping for - you might, but who knows. It's much safer to share equally between your own children.

Hang on everyone. I am executor for my mother’s estate and have instructed solicitors. He (partner in great firm) i am also a lawyer but not probate - said very clearly that at end of administration when beneficiaries receive their inheritance they also get a copy of the will. I asked very specifically because there is something in my mas will I wanted to know when a sibling would see if at all - not about shares to children but how partners of children were differentiated if children died type scenario.

I know one sibling is going to be very upset when they see the will even though the scenario hasn’t come to be.

Spoke to solicitor and junior just last week about this because it’s coming soon.

op I am really sorry about your mum and now this on top. I totally understand why you are upset. Deed of variation would require all to agree and your dd May feel that would make things worse ?
I have to make a very small thing my mas will has meant right and have told solicitor I don’t want deed I’ll just do it afterwards as post inheritance adjustment from me to a sibling. Is that possible ?

What a shame the will hadn’t been updated as from the sound of it there’s no question that your dd became not just loved grandchild but a real treasure for your parents. It’s a tricky convo to have but I did this with my ma airing 5 years ago and she realised her will wasn’t what she wanted anymore in some respects and so sorted it and spoke to all siblings at the time.
Good luck op. Hugs for what you are going through with you ma.

"And your sibling didn't just immediately split it wit you?"

No-well the offer was there when we knew the contents, but without being too specific it didn't take effect until some years later.

By then they had a child so obviously other priorities.

I strongly disagree with posters saying you should tell your child.

Yes, in theory they could find out but they would have to apply to the Probate Office and pay a fee for a copy of the will and unless there was a reason for them to be suspicious why would they do that?

If they were to find out at a later date I think they would totally understand why you had endeavoured to shield them from the hurt of knowing they were not included. You'd have to cross that bridge if and when you came to it but my priority would be protecting them from the knowledge as far as possible.

If you intend to make up the amount from your own inheritance your child need not know. In your situation my siblings would do all they could to protect your adopted child also.

It's an awful thing to do and I would definitely raise it gently. My mum's stepfather did it to my mum - he wasn't her dad so he left his money to my aunts. My cousins each got lumps sums - my Dsis and I did not.

And my mum had done all the caring before he died because my aunts lived further away.

So my aunts pooled everything together and ensured that we all got the shares we would have done if he hadn't been a dick (he really, really was). None of us were impressed by his behaviour.

I think you have to ask your DM in one of her lucid moments: it's not about the money it's her attitude, how incredibly hurtful for you all.

Heron
I recently inherited. I was never sent a copy of the will.

changed
I would talk to the executors to keep shtum and give the same portion to your ds as the other gcs are receiving. I would find a way to make the money transfer in the same manner as the beneficiaries if possible to hide his omission. Ie not from your bank account if you can. You could for example pay a solicitor to do this.

I'm an adopted child and I can't tell you how hurtful I would find this, especially if I was providing a large amount of care for the GP.

If I were you, I'd tell your son now, before his grandmother's death. That way he can make a decision as to whether or not he wants to continue to do what he's been doing for her. I think I'd be hurt if I found out my mother knew about the will and yet let me carry on 'doing for' someone who didn't regard me as a 'real' grandchild.

I don't know how much is involved here, but if I were your sibling I'd gladly give up a portion of my share to make it up to your child. It would let him know that the rest of the family considers him a true member (which he IS!).

Maybe solicitors send copies of the will if they handle probate. I doubt executors bother if they do the paperwork. I certainly didn’t.

I've also inherited without receiving a copy of the will.

I'd have to ask too, in a calm and non-confrontational way. Otherwise it will always be gnawing at you in the background.

Cruel thing for them to have decided to do.

I inherited an amount from my mother about 10 years ago and I also never got a copy of her will.