Parents have left adopted child out of will

[changedagainly]

I have two adult children one of whom was adopted aged 2 nearly 40 years ago, neither have ever been treated any differently by myself, my parents or the rest of the family. Child does know they're adopted.

My father died a few years ago and my mother is in her 90s and terminally ill. She has a few weeks at most and is very rarely lucid. I spoke to her the other day about arrangements for when the time comes and she let me know where her will was.

I've read it and when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child.

I don't know what to do, obviously I can't do anything but I'm so worried this will destroy my child. They have always been so loving and caring to my parents and in fact are the only grandchild who has constantly cared for both my parents and given up huge amounts of their time and gone above and beyond to look after them both and especially my mother, they visit and care for her every day.

I just can't understand why when they are so close to this child they would exclude them? The will was written a long time ago but child was still in their early teens.

AIBU to be so upset?

All of the named beneficiaries would have to agree to redistribute the estate.

Or the OP can just give her child a bit out of her share.

But it really does depend on the wording - if it says "to each of my grandchildren: Peter, Paul and Mary, I leave 2s.6d" then you could argue that the intention was to give some to EACH grandchild, whether or not named.

At any rate - there is no reason for any of the grandchildren to ever read the will itself, so they don't know what has been said or where the money has come from.

In theory anyone can see a will, but you have to write off for it and pay a small fee. I don't think it's likely at all that any of your children or nieces/nephews would do that. So you can either do a deed of variation (which would need your siblings consent if it means them losing money, but not if it came from your share) or simply pay your adopted child direct from your share - though that would involve your adopted child receiving a cheque from you, whereas your other child would very one from "the estate of X" so there's a slim chance they would speak about this and realise what had happened.

I'm assuming the beneficiaries are all adults. As long as the grandchildren all agree they can split the money left equally. I hope your siblings are equally aghast so it won't be an issue. If she is lucid enough you could get her to make an amendment, no solicitor needed and a hcp/non family visitor can countersign.

You would have to gift some of your inheritance to match their sibling. Anyone under 18 can't agree for their share to be split.
I'd give some of mine and never mention it to anyone. But I'd definitely ask her why when she is lucid.

Why would cheques be involved? This is the 21st century, ffs. I made a bank transfer to give my son his inheritance.

Is your mum in a position to change it?

You’re implying that she’s made a mistake or something. Elderly people know what is in their will. If she’d wanted adopted grandchild in will she’d have put her in.

We've had a similar situation in recent years with a very elderly relative who a family member looked after for years and years, only to be left out of the will (it had been written decades before and never updated). It wasn't the money that they were upset about, it was that they had done so much for him and cared so much about him and were "forgotten" while relatives who hadn't visited him in years were all included.

If you're the executor, only you need know what has happened. I don't think questioning your very ill 90+ mother about money at this stage is appropriate. Nobody really has "the right" to someone else's money.

Split the money she left one child between the two of them or give your child whatever the other one got from your share.

I think that you should do a deed of variation but I'm not sure whether the other recipients need to agree? If they do then rather than everyone finding out about this I would just give your child the money out of your share and hope that they never find out. Your parents have been horrible.

How awful. I may be projecting here as we encountered a similarly hurtful (and unexpected) inheritance situation in our family, but I would struggle to forgive this. We found out when the relative had died.

it's not about the money. It's like all these years they haven't seen your child as a 'real' grandchild. I would have to ask my mother what on earth she was thinking.

So sorry for you, very difficult situation.

I would speak to your mum on one of her more lucid days. Not to try and get it changed, but to ask why. If not I think you will regret not asking why. The will was written many years ago and it may be that there were some circumstances at the time which made their decision less disappointing. Or it may be that very sadly one or both of them always made a distinction about your child being adopted. I think it would be better to know rather than not know.

In terms of the money, I'd give your adopted child an equivalent amount from your share if at all possible.

OP, secrets are never a good thing. Trying to keep this a secret by giving your child an equal amount to the remaining cousins out of your share is understandable but you can't guarantee that they will never find out. Your siblings know, they may talk about it between themselves. I honestly think your child, who don't forget is a mature adult, should be told about this once your mother has died. Yes, they will be understandably devastated, but would be even more so if they found out they'd also been lied to some time in the future.

Could it be a mistake? My gran realised last year that her will only named 2 out of her 4 grandchildren and she was horrified. It was the solicitor’s error, she would have never chosen that.

Split the money she left one child between the two of them or give your child whatever the other one got from your share.

I don't think she can take the money from her child!

The problem is that all wills are online now so your adopted child might see it. That's why I would speak to your mum now.

You can’t guarantee your child won’t find out. Anyone can see and obtain a copy of a will. Simple to do on online and is not expensive.
I would emphasise that the will was written a long long time ago and that grandma never got round to changing it.

when it mentioned grandchildren, my siblings children are all mentioned, as is one of my children. But not my adopted child

This must have been so painful to read. YAtotallyNBU to be upset. It must be hard not to feel angry as well.

What you could do is talk to your sibling, and suggest that the total amount left to the grandchildren is put in a pot and then divided by the number of grandchildren including your excluding child.

This would show your child that they are valued and loved by the rest of their family.

Money has symbolic value in families - your DC will be devastated (I have a close relative who was left out of their father's will - it was awful to watch the effect, even though it was only about £10,000. Their siblings put all the money together & re-divided it.

I'm assuming your mother was quite old-fashioned about her ideas of "blood family."

Lots of posters are likely to say - her money, her choice. But do you want to be complicit in such thoughtlessness? Once your mother has died (sorry ) she won't know. We need to look after the living as much as we need to honour the dead.

There’s nothing to be done if she’s rarely lucid. You have to be 100% compos mentos to make or change a will.

@MaxNormal That's exactly it I don't understand how either of my parents could treat my DC differently. Although I recognise I can't control how they feel about them they've never given me any other impression over the decades that they felt any differently.

All GC are named except adopted one. So it does feel like a very deliberate exclusion.

The detail of wills are not online these days, only the total amount and name of the executor.

I wasn't in my GM's will-it all went to my (full)sibling.

No idea why.

It hurt, still does.

With no explanation, sadly the only conclusion I can draw is that she didn't care about me & as I always suspected, favoured my sibling.

Makes me feel stupid for loving her

Op your son was in his teens and is now nearly 40 that's a lot of time.
Given hes doing the majority of her care she may well feel different about it now, and have forgotten what the will actually says.

The problem is that all wills are online now

That’s pretty scary :/ can anyone access them? I don’t have a will but I’ll be making one soon and I’ve had stalker issues

Can you try to talk to her ..is it to late to get her to change it

suggest that the total amount left to the grandchildren is put in a pot and then divided by the number of grandchildren including your excluding child
All of the grandchildren would have to be over 18 and agree to do that. OP and her sibling have no legal right to do it otherwise.

Wills are only published after you’re dead, @Hither12.