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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want health visitor in my bedroom

132 replies

Babybrainfail · 03/07/2019 20:58

So my health visitor did a antenatal visor today, she seems very nice and it was a flying visit as I work in a similar role so I am up to date on latest guidelines and advice and it’s also not my first baby, but she mentioned that they like to view where baby sleeps to make recommendations, I said it wasn’t actually set up yet when she first mentioned it but Aibu to think that it’s intrusive to be wandering into my bedroom when my baby is a few weeks old?

OP posts:

OhTheRoses · 04/07/2019 08:44

And do you explain that clearly and honestly to the families @nespressowoman? Do you also explain that there is no statutory obligation to engage at the outset or to queue up in ghastly sub clean clinics for weighing just because you say so?

Honestly all my hv had to do was make an appointment in advance, explain her role honestly and tell me the baby clinic was there if I needed it and if I wanted. And when I asked for feeding help to have known that telling me to wrap myself in a blanket and sit by the fire wasn't exactly helpful. Even the gp burst out laughing when I said "what did she expect me to do, skin a rabbit for supper at the same time"?

If parents are to welcome the service with open arms it has to be delivered in an honest and transparent manner and be supportive. I saw no indication of themat.

nespressowoo · 04/07/2019 08:50

Yes I do - most of the families who opt-out have no problem with this, if they kick up a fuss it's usually because they are hiding something and there are concerns. I explain it's my job and have to do this.

OhTheRoses · 04/07/2019 08:50

@nespressowoo the fact that we were married, had jobs, a very wanted baby and a clean and spacious home seemed to cause a sort of reverse cats bum mouth type of judgement too. I got the feeling it was because my dh was a Tory Councillor at the time and there were far too many comments about the terrible Tiry Government and that's why the midwives had left me high and dry with the first bout of mastitis. And this was in the halcyon days of 95 when they came every day.

nespressowoo · 04/07/2019 08:54

And yes I do explain we are not a statutory service at every AN or birth visit. A lot of families are surprised by that. Majority of families want us in and appreciate the service. We aren't all busy-bodies like I have previously said.

These threads always piss me off as we get such a bad reputation, I believe I do a good job and so do my families. I'm there for as little or as much as they want me to be. I have fought their corner on many things, argued with CAMHS, GPs, social services, mental health - you name it. I'm honest with families and tell them things they sometimes they don't want to hear, but they appreciate it.

I also specialise in BF and go above and beyond.

nespressowoo · 04/07/2019 08:57

@OhTheRoses I really couldn't care what political background families have or if they are councillors. Doesn't affect how I do my job or hopefully how parents parent their child. Sounds like you had a bad experience and I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you raised this with someone higher up.

GinLimeandLemonade · 04/07/2019 08:59

My health visitor was lovely. She helped me massively when I was struggling with breastfeeding, and gave me the confidence to co-sleep safely in bed. She's a star!

MonkeyTrap · 04/07/2019 09:06

@OhTheRoses

How on earth did both the midwife and HV know you and your husbands political preferences?

I dare so they didn’t give two hoots and had no idea your husband was a local celeb.

Ericaceae · 04/07/2019 09:09

I can't and didn't get worked up about this. They are safeguarding your child.
Our HV only asked with DC1, and we were in a flat then anyway so it was easy to leave doors open. I did have to laugh when she took his nappy off and put him on her knee, with inevitable results. I'd only been parenting for 3 days and knew that was a bad idea
She was very nice, and wouldn't even borrow spare trousers

Gorillaandme · 04/07/2019 09:13

My HV was also brilliant and she can check whatever she wants in my house as that's her job. My baby had severe reflux and I was also struggling with breastfeeding she pointed me in the right direction for both and here I am at 15 months still breastfeeding. I've also had her round more recently as I was struggling with getting my daughter to sleep in her cot and she came out on 3 separate occasions just chatting and making me feel a lot less anxious. I really couldn't have coped without my HV.

Kescilly · 04/07/2019 09:22

I had no idea what a health visitor does before moving here but my baby is five weeks and our HV has been absolutely lovely and supportive. She’s taken my concerns more seriously than anyone else and really helped us with the baby’s feeding and weight. Our whole household is happier and settled now. Having her support me and visit often really made a difference in those first few weeks.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 04/07/2019 09:29

They are safeguarding your child.

Badly in our case. We're in Scotland and thus dc2 should have been seen at 8 months. She's now 13 months and hasn't been seen by a health visitor since she was 4 months old. Luckily she's fine but with my mental health history a decent HV shouldn't be gambling on that.

With dc1 I was eventually diagnosed with pretty much every postnatal mental health condition going...but according the HV and the midwives my suicidalness, belief that dc1 was a doll and general bonkersness was "baby blues".

NotBeingRobbed · 04/07/2019 09:37

This was a long time ago now but I remember totally blitzing my messy house before the AN visit by the midwife - convinced I had to get it up to scratch. Then she made a point of telling me I might have to “let things go” a bit when the baby was born! Hard to get it right.

OhTheRoses · 04/07/2019 09:47

Oh yes, the endless comments aboutthe house being tidy. It's the way we live, clean and tidy, little babies don't make a mess. Toddlers on the other hand! Having a baby doesn't prevent the dishwasher being loaded or dirty laundry being put in the basket, towels picked up etc. But the comments it elicited. Perhaps they do it whatever to aid the empowerment.

I am sorry these threads pisss you off @nesspressowoo but people are unhappy about these services for a reason.

Yes, I did complain formally, yes practices were changed and yes there was an unequivocal apology from the Trust CEO. I did write that in an earlier post. Did you not read it? Nods and sighs - nothing changes. It would really help if HVs checked notes and could record notes accurately and take on board what they are asked and told. Still not happening I see.

nespressowoo · 04/07/2019 10:20

@OhTheRoses I have only read your posts from where you addressed me - not your long one about your complaint, which I have just read. No need to be so bloody patronising, is there? 'Nods and sighs' - leave off.

OhTheRoses · 04/07/2019 11:24

Never a need to be patronising. Perhaps you could let the ceo of the HV Association know. You know the one who on 1996 was quoted on The Times as saying the role of the HV was to teach ignorant mothers the three Cs - cooking, cleaning and communication. Nothing patronising about that at all. A vocation that really needed to differentiate between clients - we were not and are not always to be equated with the lowest common denominator.

LoafofSellotape · 04/07/2019 11:29

Why wouldn't you let her see your bedroom?

MyOtherProfile · 04/07/2019 14:04

Because for lots of people (myself included) the bedroom is a private space, a bit of a sanctuary. I don't see any need to let anyone else in there. Everything they need to do can be done in the lounge.

MyOpinionIsValid · 04/07/2019 14:08

Where has the paranoid OP gone ?

LoafofSellotape · 04/07/2019 14:25

But the HV will want to see whee the any will be sleeping,that can't be done in the lounge.

Surely your whole house is a sanctuary,why is the bedroom different ?

Carriecakes80 · 04/07/2019 20:11

Health visitors are not there to 'snoop for social services', and I reckon the only people who would ever think like that are those who have something to hide or worry about!

I have had four children, and one of my best friends who was a HV at the time came to see me a few times with a trainee, and their job was to make sure I was ok, that baby would be ok, nothing more, nothing less.
I don't get why anyone would have a problem showing off baby's room?

OhTheRoses · 04/07/2019 20:21

Well I have a friend whose dh was and remains an an investment banker. Beautiful house and the baby had a cherry wood sleigh cot/bed, handmade in a beautiful nursery, in a beautiful house. This was years ago so I've no idea why the hv saw the nursery at all. But my friend reeled from the chippy comment "and don't think your baby's any better than anyone else's because he's got everything". Downright nasty in anybody's language. And goes to show their judgement goes upwards as well as downwards. Not helpful; not constructive.

Alsohuman · 04/07/2019 20:23

Why are bedrooms sacred chambers on MN? It’s just a room with a bed in it, ffs!

LilQueenie · 04/07/2019 23:00

They are clearly asking to help prevent cot death in babies.

cot death is a general term for sudden infant death. I'm not entirely sure it helps much. SIDS doesn't just happen in cot or when asleep. It won't prevent a child being put in a cot at the top rather then feet to the bottom or leaving cuddly toys in the cot at a later date.

Again I had a bad experience with hv's so hard for me to see past the mistakes they made.

MyOtherProfile · 04/07/2019 23:13

@LoafofSellotape there's no reason for the HV to see where the baby is sleeping. They're not the baby police. They can give sleeping guidelines from the comfort of the sofa.

And nope my whole house isn't a sanctuary. People come and go in the rest of the house. Friends and family come in the lounge and kitchen and most of the other rooms. Hardly anyone comes in our bedroom because it's our private space. I can't see why you're so unable to grasp that many people would feel like that.

LoafofSellotape · 04/07/2019 23:15

I can't see why you're so unable to grasp that many people would feel like that

Snippy!

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