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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want health visitor in my bedroom

132 replies

Babybrainfail · 03/07/2019 20:58

So my health visitor did a antenatal visor today, she seems very nice and it was a flying visit as I work in a similar role so I am up to date on latest guidelines and advice and it’s also not my first baby, but she mentioned that they like to view where baby sleeps to make recommendations, I said it wasn’t actually set up yet when she first mentioned it but Aibu to think that it’s intrusive to be wandering into my bedroom when my baby is a few weeks old?

OP posts:
SpikyButt · 03/07/2019 22:09

Three babies and never had the HV ask to see the bedroom, yet always dreaded it coming up. I'm a private person and feel very intruded upon if anyone goes in my bedroom, I don't even like family nosing around upstairs. I've accepted I'm a bit odd but it's OK for me to feel it's a private place and I'd planned a bull shit excuse if the request came up.

I've heard many horror stories about HVs tbh (mostly terrible breastfeeding advice) and personally tire quickly of being patronised third time over. I can appreciate it's a useful service to many but the increase in visits in excessive in my opinion, as is the intrusion into bedrooms.

I'll listen to waffle, smile and nod, but they're not inspecting my bedroom.

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2019 22:09

Antenatal visits are not a new thing
And they're paid for by local authorities

Crispyturtle · 03/07/2019 22:10

She’s not interested in your piles of clothes stuffed in the corner or your bedtime reading, she’s interested in ensuring your baby is sleeping in a safe environment. You never know, she might have some good suggestions. Also, she’s not wandering around your house unsupervised, she asked & you declined, so it’s hardly intrusive. And as for the op saying they’re there to ‘snoop for social services’, FFS they’re there to protect children, end of. Health visitors really can’t do anything right, can they?

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2019 22:11

And they're provided by a mixture if providers, some nhs, some private and some local authority

Poloshot · 03/07/2019 22:11

You can tell them you don't need their services

MyOtherProfile · 03/07/2019 22:11

HV and mw never went further than the lounge, nor did they ask to. And nor would I let them. Upstairs is none of their business.

GreatBallsOfFlier · 03/07/2019 22:11

My second dc they came round on day 10... felt like a complete tick box exercise... no benefit to myself or baby, actually felt like I was giving her a teaching session regarding a minor condition my baby had. Anyway, 6 week check with them rolls around and I called to say I'd not be attending as I was done thank you. It's all optional. They did say on the phone 'oh we'll have to put you down as refused appointment' I said 'absolutely fine as that's what I'm doing' 🙄

Crazybunnylady123 · 03/07/2019 22:13

Actually I had one over, who came into our bedroom. She was awful, my dp almost chucked her out. Made comments on the decor, asking about a canvas above our bed. Starting talking about my hobby stuff. Asked to see me breastfeeding when I had only just fed her and was pushing the matter. Awful.
If she turned up again I wouldn’t let her in.
All the others have been really nice though.

EssentialHummus · 03/07/2019 22:14

Mine did this, and complimented me on having snacks for me and a book for DD in the cot. I didn't think much of it at the time but I'm now boggling at what on earth I thought one week old DD could have made of The Cat in the Hat.

Redpostbox · 03/07/2019 22:14

Half the time I was still in bed when the health visitor came. I would see her in bed in my pyjamas GrinDidn't bother me at all.

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2019 22:23

Wow that was presumptuous of her. Do you have nice pajamas?

StealthPolarBear · 03/07/2019 22:23

And did she look as good in them as you?

Justgorgeous · 03/07/2019 22:23

God. You have had a baby and you find a health visitor intrusive ? It’s really not an issue.

Nomorepies · 03/07/2019 22:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

rose789 · 03/07/2019 22:33

I adored my health visitor. For dd1 she gave us safe sleep guidelines whilst eyeing the Moses basket which was set up in the front room which was filled with the absolute shite that had been on the sofa before dp noticed her pulling into the driveway and did a mad dash and just flung everything into the basket. We both just laughed when I explained what had happened and that I was sure he’d flung my cup of tea in there too.
2nd dd she had to check my stitches so we were in my bedroom anyway. Im sure she will have done a quick check of the cot, and I hope she did. You hear so many awful stories about fatalities that have occurred due to cot bumpers etc as people just don’t know the risks. Surely a quick glance and if there is anything unsafe then letting the parents know is the right thing to do.
If she’s seen your bits and your tits what’s the harm in showing her your room

amicableAs · 03/07/2019 22:38

You dont have to have a hv
We refused any visits

User8888888 · 03/07/2019 22:39

It’s a good thing. My health visitor said they had picked up lots of things on antenatal visits including one family that had no-where safe for the baby to sleep and they arranged for a cot to be provided. Sadly in my area because of cuts they stopped doing home visits at all let alone antenatal ones by the time I had my second. I dread to think what might happen as I’m sure there will be children at risk who will be harmed because of cuts to the service.

Fruitbatdancer · 03/07/2019 22:42

I only saw one once, about 10 days post birth- she weighed baby and while my lovely adoring husband made her a cup of tea she whispered across the table to ask me if I suffered from domestic violence Hmm I know it may have been a tick box but it was odd and inappropriate - especially if I was! (Obvs I wasn’t) never saw or heard from her again.
But my friend was preganant same time, lived 5 mins away and her was round once a week for the first 3 months! And I know someone recently pregnant in next village had a pre birth check and several after. Not sure if I slipped though the net? Or if different areas do it differently? Or if every hV makes their own mind up? Either way seems zero consistency in my area (Kent)

BoomBoomsCousin · 03/07/2019 22:44

If that's were the baby's sleeping and you want their best advice on setting up the baby's sleeping area then that's where they'd have to look, it seems fairly straight forward to me. They're professionals. I wouldn't flash my muff at any old stranger, but if I have an issue where I need an expert to look at my muff then I let them see it. I don't see how this is any different on principles. Tidy up if you have things out that will embarrass you.

But if you don't think they can add anything you want to know you don't have to let them. I didn't even let mine into the house.

AriadneesWeb · 03/07/2019 22:47

My HV asked to see where the baby would sleep and also to see the bathroom and the kitchen where bottles and food would be prepped. She also asked about things like depression and domestic violence. It was obviously a box ticking exercise but I have no objection because in some cases there will be issues with those things that need to be uncovered and addressed.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 03/07/2019 22:48

If you’re in a similar role, then why do you find this inappropriate? Does that mean you won’t offer the same to your clients? But then you could miss things like cot bumpers and dangerous cot set-ups... just seems a bit weird.

When I had ds, I had stitches, and the hv checked them on my bed. Fine with me.

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 03/07/2019 22:49

there will be children at risk who will be harmed because of cuts to the service.

No, User, they will be harmed by their parents’ failings/actions...

SarahAndQuack · 03/07/2019 22:50

Our HV was worse than useless. Judgy, rude, dismissed concerns about PND with 'let's just think about the baby,' and kept insisting we do a 'top up' feed every two hours that we now realise was more milk than the baby was meant to drink in a day.

However, I'd still want a HV to offer whatever help possible, another time. Ok, sure, they might not say anything useful about your bedroom, but then again, they might. So where's the harm? If you feel sufficiently confident to take the advice with a pinch of salt, it's fine.

MyOtherProfile · 03/07/2019 22:56

If that's were the baby's sleeping and you want their best advice on setting up the baby's sleeping area then that's where they'd have to look
I don't think most people would feel they need advice on setting up baby's sleeping area. I certainly didn't.

Our HV was useless too - I clearly had PND for many months after dc1 and she missed it despite me actually telling her and filling in the PND questionnaire bluntly.

LilQueenie · 03/07/2019 22:57

I totally understand this. Its like they don't trust you to follow guidelines so want to see for themselves.