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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

397 replies

Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 17:57

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

OP posts:
PerfectPeony2 · 03/07/2019 22:09

I think at weekends this is normal. They are precious and I only want to spend time with DH and DD at the weekend so would probably do the same. I think it’s weird not to... Unless it was a friends meet up without kids.

During the week though, I obviously wouldn’t bring him along.

I think YABU.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 22:10

In your opinion yes, am I allowed one or should I check with my husband?!

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 03/07/2019 22:11

I have friends yes, I was keen to develop this friendship as we have kids the same age and live next door- it’s fine that it won’t happen to a greater degree

But a lot of people don't like this. It can be really claustrophobic because you can't escape. It is literally living in each others pockets. I would never be friends with a neighbour, just like I won't make friends on holiday-makers I don't want to be trapped Nd not be able to escape or have to make excuses when I know they know that I'm lying.

Maybe your attempts at friendship just aren't reciprocated here and you should just accept that it will be superficial good neighbours instead of best friends?

EC22 · 03/07/2019 22:13

We do things together or with or own friends, rarely socialise together except big parties n that’s how I like it.

Wearywithteens · 03/07/2019 22:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

DecomposingComposers · 03/07/2019 22:14

yes, am I allowed one or should I check with my husband?!

Or maybe your gal pals?

Fluffiest · 03/07/2019 22:15

Woah, this thread seems very irate for something that doesn't need to be.

In our house it would feel weird for me and DD to go to the zoo but not include DH. Zoo would be a big day out for us, we'd want to do it together. And yes during the weekend in general we stick together as a three, because we value our time together.

But that's not the same as saying we never go out without the other. DH sometimes takes DD skateboarding. I will sometimes nip to the library. In the evening one of us may go out to see a mate but we prefer inviting a few friends round to ours so that we both get to see people.

So we are not glued at the hip but our default weekend setting is for us to do fun things as a family.

DecomposingComposers · 03/07/2019 22:17

Unless you are established couple-friends, playdates are for children to play together and for mums to chat and get to know each other. Being invited as a third wheel is weird.

Why are playdates only for the mum's to chat and get to know each other? Why not for the dads to chat and make friends, or a mum and a dad, or the mums and the dads?

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 22:19

Unless you are established couple-friends, playdates are for children to play together and for mums to chat and get to know each other. Being invited as a third wheel is weird

Totally!

OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 03/07/2019 22:24

My DH died in his 30s. I loved him tons and we had lots of family time, but I’m also super glad I had my own friends and job too. Or I’d be totally screwed now.

Original poster
Independentlondoner · 03/07/2019 22:38

tunnocksreturns2019 sorry to hear that Flowers

OP posts:
TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 03/07/2019 23:25

If everyone works I think it would be odd for you the other mums and the children to go to the zoo for the day and leave the dads at home. Men like spending time with their family too. If it was a without children coffee and a chat, it would be unusual for the husband to attend

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 03/07/2019 23:27

To me play dates are low key in the afternoon after school, not weekend trips out

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 03/07/2019 23:29

Oh and I do socialise with my friends without DH, I leave DS at home with him and we don't do it at the park or zoo

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 03/07/2019 23:35

I have only skim read the thread but my husband actively avoids leaving the house at the weekend unless it will be just our family; he doesn't mind if the rest of us go out but is emphatic that he does not care to join in. If I was like any of you who spend every possible moment in his company I think he'd have divorced me by now Grin hence, this thread makes for very weird reading from my perspective!!

Frazzled74 · 03/07/2019 23:35

i am very independent from my dh and so I find this whole family turning up at playdates/parties quite odd but appreciate that other families may find me and dh odd. I've learned that to be friends with wives of shift workers is the way forward for me!

jennymanara · 03/07/2019 23:38

Play dates with a couple are strange because unless you are already actual friends, you as the third adult are going to feel like the third wheel.

I do understand now the person who said earlier they don't socialise with others without their husband as they don't like emotional intimacy - they find it too intense. So basically they are using their husbands presence to keep the friendship more superficial than it might otherwise be.

Ragwort · 03/07/2019 23:47

I do worry about co-dependency in some relationships and if/when one of you dies/leaves it will be harder just to get out and about & socialise if you have only ever done things as a couple. I am over 60 and know a lot of people who have sadly been widowed or divorced & those that have had their own social lives/friendship groups do find it a little easier to get on with their lives.

My DH & I have always had separate social lives & hobbies & holiday separately, (sometimes together), suits us, married over 30 years.

DecomposingComposers · 04/07/2019 00:11

@Ragwort

Really though is it up to you to worry about how other adults live their lives?

suits us - is this not the key? You do what suits you, not what suits someone else?

PregnantSea · 04/07/2019 01:03

Sometimes I want to bring my husband along to stuff, and other times I don't. I don't know exactly what the rules are... I just play it by ear? If something is obviously a girly thing then I wouldn't dream of bringing DH, but taking the kids to the zoo doesn't sound like a girly thing?

OneThreadOnly0101 · 04/07/2019 06:50

Bringing husbands completely changes the dynamic, especially with my closest of friends. We have a laugh, but we can't speak as freely as we would if it was just us.

My closest friendships pre-date my marriage by 20 years. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have are important to me. As far as I'm concerned they're my friendships to nurture and if husband comes, he'll be a bit of a lemon. He'll come to weddings and the odd birthday dinner of course, but if I'm purely catching up with my friends there is no need for him to be there. None of us have kids at the moment but even if we did I wouldn't expect husbands/wives to turn up. They can surely cope with the odd whole or half day without their spouse and child - even if they don't particularly want to?!

Maybe this depends on the depth of the friendship? Newer or more superficial friendships can withstand sticky spouses, but with my oldest friends we often talk about really personal stuff. Understandably they wouldn't feel comfortable talking about relationship dramas, sex issues, body issues, health issues, bereavements (including suicide), in front of my husband and nor should they have to. Also, how do I vent about DH and the in laws if he's always there?! 😱

Likewise, I have no desire to third wheel my husband's every night out - to be honest I can imagine nothing worse. When I was young and insecure maybe, but not now.

MsTSwift · 04/07/2019 07:02

We moved to a new city with a baby and a toddler I got to make lots of new local friends via having young kids. Due to family meet ups the men made friends too. We meet up in single sex groups and as families. I am a woman’s woman and love single sex but spending time with dh and others socially is important too. I really like most of my mum friends dhs. Seems a pity to cut yourself off from that.

MsTSwift · 04/07/2019 07:18

Never forget when my friends dh and I were doing childcare at end of summer holidays he rang a brownie helper and offered her any amount she requested to do craft with his dds as he had reached the end of his tether and ran off to go on a solitary walk Grin

Ragwort · 04/07/2019 07:38

Decomposing no I know I don’t need to ‘worry’ about how other people lead their lives but loneliness and social isolation is a huge problem in society today for many reasons. I volunteer with a few different groups aimed at helping isolated people (mainly older people) and it is quite obvious that those who have never made many friends, done things on their own etc find life a lot harder than people who are more socially independent.

It is perhaps something to think about - how will you cope if you are on your own?

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 04/07/2019 07:39

to be honest, I find the idea of having "mummys friends" and sticking with women a lot more uncomfortable. I never hear about fathers having "daddys friends* , why can't people just have friends, some closer than others.

I don't find the idea that kids stuff is the domain of the mother whist the father go away playing golf or cycling very appealing either.

There are so many threads about women complaining about doing 90% + of the chores, feeling undervalued, dealing with the so-called "mental load". Why on earth is the idea that a couple are actual friends and enjoy each other company so shocking?

Would you find it just as strange to see a same-sex couple going as a family to the zoo? What really stops any hope of real independence is having kids and their first 10to 15years, not being happily married.