AIBU to think you can hang out without your husband

[Independentlondoner]

NC
So genuinely don’t know if I’m unreasonable in my expectations.
Recently a new neighbour moved in, and her daughter and mine attend the same preschool. Really nice woman/ family, we’ve attended parties at her house and vice versa.
First time she suggested a play date I said yes and suggested the local park- great. Me and my LO leave the house and her, her husband and her daughter are all ready to walk round to the park- it didn’t really cross my mind to bring my husband. It was a nice trip but I felt slightly like an intruder on their family day out.
Next she group messaged me and another mum to a get together at hers- great I could do with more mum friends. Very quickly the third woman mentioned her husbands dietary requirements, another bring your husbands get together.
I love my husband and we do things as a family often, but we have our own friendships- and to be honest my husband and hers are very different and wouldn’t naturally be friends. I also think it hinders our growing friendship.

Fast forward to this week and I’ve asked if her and her daughter would like to come to a day trip to the zoo, she wants to invite her husband. This means two cars, or me sitting in the back of their car like a child.

AIBU In thinking she could dare do something independent from her husband for a couple of hours or am I the strange one?

AwayWithTheFairies - great that your set-up works for you. It sounds incredibly insular to me.

However, it's kind of irrelevant to the OP, given the OP's neighbour is actually keen to socialise with 'outsiders'. Nigel just has to always be there too, seemingly.

@Awaywiththefairies27 I don't think anyone is suggesting you need to make friends for the sake of it. They're saying that if you have friends, as in your own independent friendships, then you should be able to enjoy them without the company of your other half. If you have no desire for friendship then that's fair enough.

I'm quite antisocial myself and enjoy being home alone. I also have a few friendships which are very important to me, but they're mine. My friends. My relationships. We chose to be friends as individuals.

If your OH says he's going out to the pub with Steve from work, do you insist that you must go too?

If your OH says he's going out to the pub with Steve from work, do you insist that you must go too?

I dare say that would never happen in a million years!!

In that case, don't suggest a trip assuming you'll get a front seat in someone else's car. Suggest a trip and plan to take your own car.

If this couple and their DC are in one car and the op and her DC are in another...it's basically their family day out and the op is following them round like a spare part. It sounds very awkward to me.

But if Nigel wanted to ride shotgun I'd probably suggest just the two of them go, and get the vibe that 'nigella ' are a package....

That's entirely your choice, and absolutely fine. But in no way relevant to the point being made. I might be tempted to invite my partner along rather than forgoe the trip I'd suggested and therefore clearly wanted to go on. But everyone can make their own decisions.

At the weekend if we were invited to go to the zoo, there is no way my husband would stay at home. He wants to spend time with his kids and for us a trip to the zoo is a once every 3-4 months event and can be pretty expensive. It has nothing to do with co dependence and everything to do with wanting to spend time with his kids. I actually find it helpful. He wrangles them while I chat to my friend. If I was invited to someone's house , he wouldn't come.

'That's entirely your choice, and absolutely fine. But in no way relevant to the point being made. I might be tempted to invite my partner along rather than forgoe the trip I'd suggested and therefore clearly wanted to go on.'

I'd expect you to say 'it will be you, me and the dc and I'll be bringing Nigel' will suffice so I can politely bow out.

It is relevant. I'd want to know in advance.

@MarthasGinYard

No one has ever suggested it to be honest with you I'd go without DH if it was a requirement. My old female best friend excluded my two children with autism from attending her wedding, inviting my NT toddler. There were loads of loud disruptive kids there and my toddler was actually the best behaved kid in the place. He barely made a peep and sat enjoying the buffet the whole evening. (I've known her since childhood). I still went and drove the 4 hours there and 4 hours back + a big gift (My older two are very well behaved and quiet but everyone hears autism and scarpers).

As I said before, I have two children with autism, it's very high functioning so not like you may have seen out and about. No one asks us anywhere, alone or together with our kids. I have genuinely never had a mum approach me and ask to hang out. Closest I got was one mum coming over to me outside school, asking if I'm daughters mum and then saying absolutely nothing else and turning away. Our DDs were best friends and hadn't had a fall out or anything bad, I found it really weird and it was in my mind for a while after that.

I'd welcome my kids making more friends. But every adult I know has their own friends already and I don't fit in with any group. I'm 29, self made and semi-retired, 4 kids from a baby up to a 9 year old. I'm just in this weird place where all the people I have things in common with are twice or thrice my age and they don't want a young family as their besties. Or me or DH alone as besties. People our age have totally different hobbies and interests to us. People older all hang out as couples (in our neighbourhood).

DH has old friends he meets up with without me and I'm 100% good with that. What he wants or needs is not what I want or need. He loves meeting his guy and girl friends all over the country and I have no qualms with that. More opportunity for me to relax and do what I love.

I would only do that if there was a 3rd person there to ease the pressure

I suspect there are a number of people on this thread who struggle with social skills and/or emotional intimacy

Well, yes. It's all there in the OP.

Well no. Initially neighbour suggested play date - op suggested the park.

Neighbour suggested get together with op and 3rd mum - 3rd mum initiated husbands.

So where is it all coming from the neighbour? The neighbour has suggested 2 play dates. She might have meant get together in the garden for a couple of hours. Other people have kind of made it a bigger event.

This is what I'm wary of when getting to know new people - everyone is different. Clearly the op and this neighbour have different thoughts and expectations about friendships and I would worry about it turning sour but still having to live next door.

I suspect there are a number of people on this thread who struggle with social skills and/or emotional intimacy

That's a bit judgemental isn't it? Who's to say anyone "struggles" and why do you think your way is the right way?

Many posters have said they are very happy living as they do. Why is it your place to judge it as a problem or that they are struggling?

Decomposing - you're trying to make out that the OP is forcing a friendship on her neighbour, and I'm simply saying - given the invitations issued to her - that the neighbour is at least as keen. As long as Nigel comes too.

'I wouldn't want a kind of forced one on one trip with someone that I wasn't yet sure about.'

A trip out with young dc I find easy TBH, even if it's someone I don't really know. Dc of that age take so much watching. It's really just to facilitate the dc interaction. I wouldn't have to be 'sure' about whether I particularly had any affinity with said parent as it's just a trip to the park etc.

it's just a trip to the park etc.

Exactly. No drama.

@MarthasGinYard I agree. And it is those kind of comments that led me to say that I think there are quite a few people on this thread that struggle with social skills and/or emotional intimacy. A day out with your kids and a neighbour with their kids is relatively easy territory to me. Because if it ends up that you don't have enough to say to each other, then watching the kids and interacting with them fills and gaps in conversation. The things that I think could go wrong on a day like this are more about how the kids get on and different parenting styles, but if you have already spent time together with the kids then you have sussed that one out.

I think it is rude anyway when you invite someone to something not to make it clear at the time who will be involved. So if your DH is going to be there you should say something like - DH and I were going to go to the zoo, do you and your kids want to come? Because otherwise people say yes to one thing and then find out it is something totally different they have agreed to go to.

@SushiForAmateurs

I'm not trying to insist the op is doing anything. I'm giving my opinion on how I would feel about it, were I the neighbour.

So what really if the neighbour invites her husband everywhere? Isn't this the risk you take when initiating friendships with strangers - you don't know them and you might be fundamentally incompatible. The OP seems to want a bff intimate friendship. The neighbour appears to want a couples friendship. Neither are wrong per se, they just want different things. Hence why I like to let things develop slowly and with a chance to escape if they turn sour.

I wouldn't want this with a neighbour. If it goes wrong it's going to be very awkward.

A day out with your kids and a neighbour with their kids is relatively easy territory to me.

Which is lovely for you. But not everyone is the same.

My idea of a great day out might be sky diving - you might hate the very idea. Neither of us is wrong are we and I wouldn't insist that you have to like it just because I do.

I wouldn't want this with a neighbour. If it goes wrong it's going to be very awkward.

OK, but with all due respect, so what? The OP isn't asking you.

Decomposing is the park an abnormal play date? Is it such a monumental day out that the husband couldnt miss out?

Thank you SushiForAmateurs for pointing out all the obvious points of this story that certain posters are doing their best to ignore or twist.
I am not pushing a friendship, I am not desperate to get this woman alone to offload a load of emotional issues. I simply thought the point of a play date was for the kids to play and the parents to get to know eachother. Once you add a husband/ other partner into the mix it is their family outing Quite frankly if a parent cant be away from their child for 2hours at a weekend because they work (which btw I do too) then I suggest they dont bother with play dates and just make family plans. Oh and I do have my own car, I was proposing to drive everyone, I wasnt trying to hitch a lift....

HA, I would never insist I go to the pub with DH and his mates! They're all great people, and I love being invited to see them but I have never and would never begrudge my DH alone time with his friends. Neither of us drink. If he gets invited somewhere he tells me, I ask when he's going and plan my free evening when he's away. I really love it that way and so does he. I'd far rather have a long bubble bath, sit in my craft room or paint than go out with other people.

I get that it's just me and I'm not the norm, I just don't think it's weird to be happy as I am, without it being some kind of taboo. I don't see the issue with NDNs DH joining on play dates. He's their child's dad, of course he wants to interact and be a part of his dcs social life.

Maybe he's hoping OP will bring her DH and he's desperate for new dad friends too, Maybe he wants to be friends with OP as well. Maybe the mum doesn't want actual friends but wants her kids to have playdates so brings DH to buffer the conversation.

My DH would be sad if he wasn't welcome to come on playdates as he genuinely would love more parent friends, seems to be a bit of a mums club around where we live, DHs are never welcome and I find that dynamic odd. My DH is social and a very hands on dad, he'd be in his element if he had more parent friends around. As it stands we're looking at moving somewhere more populated and closer to his friends as DHs are so excluded here. I feel like as the mum, I have to act as a buffer to other parents so DH can make friends with them as they won't accept him as a dad friend on his own merit. Maybe OPs NDN DH is having that same issue and is lonely for parent mates to brag about his kids milestones to.

The OP seems to want a bff intimate friendship. The neighbour appears to want a couples friendship.

That is not true. Going to the park with a neighbour and kids is hardly wanting a bff friendship. And no it is not a couples friendship. It is a couple and the OP.

@Awaywiththefairies27 If your DH wants to go on play dates, just invite someone on a play date and make it clear when you invite them that DH would be there.
I think that is the fair thing to do. Because sometimes with couples you like both of them, but there are also couples I know where I would be happy to have a play date with the woman, but I would turn it down if the man was there as he is an arse.

@Awaywiththefairies27 Or maybe they just don't like your DH?

@Independentlondoner

I simply thought the point of a play date was for the kids to play and the parents to get to know eachother.

Exactly OP. Why does NDNs DH not count as a parent getting to know another parent? It sounds like he equally wants to be friends with you and your DH or even you alone. If your not into that, that's fine too but I don't think they're doing it to make it awkward intentionally. Maybe the small talk is because they actually both like you and her DH is socially awkward but wants to break out of that and expand his circle. Maybe he's not met or made any mum mates and doesn't know what to talk about. Just food for thought really.

No harm in asking her directly if she'd like a ladies night out or mums day? Then you'd know for sure.

YANBU I would hate it if a husband tagged along the whole time. What did you reply to her?