to not just accept whatever MIL does?

[ScatteredMama82]

We’re trying very hard to reduce waste in our house, we’ve done things like started making our own yoghurt, get milk delivered in glass bottles, make my own bread etc. We’re not fanatics about it but it matters to us. Every time MIL comes to stay she brings us loads of tat (she goes on holiday about 6 times a year, not kidding, and she feels the need to bring the kids souvenirs from every single trip). We’ve tried to say in the nicest possible way that a postcard is lovely and is plenty. We even bought them a nice big photo album so that they can collect Grandma’s postcards from all over the world. She still ignores it and brings things (imagine, plastic flags the give away free on cruises, novelty pencils that you can’t even write with, toys made from tin cans from some African village that are very pretty but sharp and entirely unsuitable for little hands). I’ve spoken to her, DH has too. She still does it.

This week she came to stay for a few days (DH is away). She kept offering to go to Tesco for me, and asking what I need. I said so many times, no thank you, kind to offer etc but I don’t need anything. The fridge is full, I have meal plans and I don’t want anything to go to waste. I got home from work yesterday to find she’d bought herself food for lunch (I showed her lots of salad, some salmon and bagels she could choose from to eat when I was at work – she chose to leave them all untouched) loads of reduced pastries, smoothies, even a pack of raspberries despite me showing her the hundreds we have growing in our garden. Now she’s all offended as I said we really didn’t need all of this food. I know it’s daft, but I hate waste and I also just wish she’d listen to me. What’s the point in asking ‘do you need anything’ if you’re not going to listen to the answer? I offered her money for it and she stormed off saying she doesn’t want it, especially if what she bought isn’t wanted. She then sat in the lounge in a huff for an hour and watched me run around after a full day in work empty and refill the dishwasher (she’d been there all day), cook dinner, and put 4 kids to bed. She didn’t offer to help at all, she didn’t lift a finger. All because I didn’t fall over with gratitude for all the things she bought that we didn’t want or need.

How on earth do I get her to actually listen to me? Stuff like this happens every single time we see her and it’s doing my head in!

I don’t know what you can do if she won’t listen except keep asserting your boundaries and hoping it will eventually sink in. At least if she’s huffy about it she’s realising that it isn’t wanted! It might eventually mean the message gets across.

That said I find it odd that she’s expected to load the dishwasher etc in your house, but I appreciate that’s a separate issue!

When you stay with someone for a few days do you not help with things? I would always pitch in with dishes etc. We do at her house. Anyway, she was purposefully avoiding helping with anything to show that she was in a sulk.

Some people just like to give. My lovely MIL was incapable of arriving at our house without bringing lots of food. It used to drive me nuts sometimes when I didn't have room for it and had a houseful of people.
But that's who she was, and how she was brought up. Bringing food and gifts was how she expressed her love. I adore her (she now has severe Alzheimers) and learned to appreciate that her generous nature was to be treasured, not moaned about.

I appreciate that you don't like waste, but her contribution is a drop in the ocean. You're fighting a losing battle, and making her unhappy in the process. Get some perspective on it if you can.

Keep politely refusing. If she decides to get in a huff, that's her problem. You're not doing anything wrong.

Could you try getting her to buy things you do actually want/need? There can't be literally nothing that would be useful, or just miss a few bits off your shopping. Maybe keep a list of a few bits and then when she asks, get her to buy those.

Then you don't have a load of unwanted crap and she gets to 'give' and feel ok about it.

The holiday tat would drive me mad too. My
mother insists on buying my children tat from crappy bargain bins (as well as nice things) that are usually throughly unsuitable. I've taken to being blunt now - "thanks for the thought mum but the baby can't have that, look it's all sharp on the edges, do you want to return it?".

Well I think you need to choose your hill to die on here, there are a couple of issues simmering it seems.

First of all, I guess you just need to keep repeating no to holiday gifts and no to her buying you food. At some point she will want to avoid the inevitable conflict and hopefully just stop doing it. However, I don't think it's reasonable to force her to eat your food if she'd rather buy her own.

Secondly, don't passively aggressively but only silently expect her to help with house chores while she visits. Ask her directly. TBH it wouldn't occur to me to do house chores when I visit inlaws. I'd offer to clear the table/prep food/wash dishes/load dirty dishes into the dishwasher etc.. but I wouldn't think to do laundry or run the dishwasher. I would never expect my MIL to do that either.

Did she basically take care of your children today while you worked? I can't tell from your OP but if so she did you a favour and you should try to focus on that. If she didn't then ignore me.

It sounds like she doesn't 'get' the whole environmental/waste aspect. Like maybe she doesn't believe you and thinks you're short of money?

The things you have, she might think you have 'no choice' as are just taking the waste/environment thing as an excuse?

Maybe try getting firm with her and quoting some of the things experts are saying will likely happen to the world if we don't stop all this shit within 10 years. Say to her, 'I know you are trying to be kind, but the most you could give your GCs is a safe future life on this planet, and you won't do that if you continue to buy these wasteful products.'

Yes her actual contribution probably is a drop in the ocean but we will persuade the people who can make a difference if we show that as a society, everyone is trying to change and that it's important to us. If companies start noticing that everyone is bothered about the environment, then perhaps they will make changes for the better.

You need to start giving her suggestions of things you actually would find useful. She wants to buy things, let her, but direct her so it's not so wasteful. For instance, are there things she could buy that would go in the freezer and get used eventually?

She's trying to be kind and only knows how to do it with 'things'.
Maybe she doesn't know what you expect of her and may feel you'd be annoyed if she made dinner and take it as interfering?

I wouldn't let her visit if your partner isn't there too. Let her buy whatever food she wants, stick to what you've been doing and saying. If she asks if you need any shopping say no thanks there is enough food in the house.

I posted the same about constant tat arriving from MIL months ago and got flamed by a few on here for being ungrateful.

I'm not ungrateful S I'm sure you aren't. It's a a terrible waste and also we try not to clutter our very small house.
So no advice only sympathy from me.

She doesn't want to take your food. My mum was the same... I'd show her my full cupboards and heaving fridge and leave her with instructions to eat whatever she wanted (I even bought her favourite things) but she still walked to the shop to buy her lunch. She'd say that she could never take food from my house, it felt like taking food from her own child - wrong.

With respect, I think you need to accept that you can't control how other people behave. If it's not hurting your children, she's entitled to have the sort of relationship with them that she'd like to have.

And you have the right to recycle anything she gives you.

Look it sounds trying but I think you need to chill out about her buying some things from the supermarket. Maybe it’s what she felt like herself, and it would indeed make you a fanatic if you were trying to control what a grown woman chooses to buy herself from the supermarket. In the future, let her spend her money and just send anything uneaten back with her. No harm done.

Its her own money she us wasting not yours, yabu.

Can you freeze any of the pastries she bought? You can the raspberries.

Maybe next time she comes to say, or goes on her hols, give her ideas of what to get the kids ie a tshirt from the area she is visiting? I think buying the local handmade tat, esp if its out of recycled items, is a way of helping their economy.
Don't tell her not to bring any food, give her some suggestions of what she can bring.
You'll get things you need, and she will feel useful.

How about getting the children on board? It is their planet we're trashing with all this stuff, after all. Maybe they can say to their grandma that they appreciate the thought but they prefer postcards so they can see what she saw?

If it helps, we're reducing waste too but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and buy pre-packaged fruit and veg - what counts is trying to reduce waste where you can.

I think it's ok to insist that she stops buying things for you that you don't want. It's really unfair of you to be mad at her for buying her own lunch and maybe the rest of the food if she bought things that she will want to eat. It's nice of you to be fully stocked and generous with your food but I would be miserable if I went to stay somewhere and all I was permitted to eat was what they liked.

I think both of you are being a bit guilty of trying to push your own wants & opinions on each other. She may be ignoring you and buying things for you in which case she is wrong but she might just hate your tastes and cooking and has tried to resolve it without causing offence. Speak to each other properly as it makes a difference.

It may be a generation thing but my parents and mil wouldn't dream of arriving for so much as a meal without bringing something, or contributing when staying, I go to their house twice a week and we laugh at what left overs , my dad, usually pushes on us. Honestly they often go in bin if meat based as I would trust him with dates, if he is out somewhere that day he will get extras for us , I say- dad what am I to do with eight jam doughnuts ( twice a week) when the kids have already had dinner. I used to just decline it all but then 3/4 days later it would still be there , with new stuff he bought us, so I decided the kindest thing to do was accept, I might just say i'll take two and we can all have a half each, this seemed to work as he gets far less , last week I got a bottle of wine as he said they forgot to get kids cakes- win!!

When they stay with us he would ask daily what I needed and when told nothing he'd still buy something random, often something I didn't have cos no one will eat it, the same on holidays so now I always ask him to get me something like 2 bananas I find having a reason to go to shops helps him fill day and be useful, and as I've asked for something that what I get, though if I ask for 2 bananas ill probably get 4. My mil is the same wants to treat the kids and will buy total rubbish they don't like, one kid is a vegetarian and my mil cant get it into her head she wont eat most jellies. So when she stays I deliberately don't stock up on treats and suggest she gets us an apple pie or something. she's happy I am happy.

Holiday souvenirs this is more my mil who buys total rubbish , I just now suggests she gets the kids a t shirt, always use for a t shirt , and easy to pack.

Does it actually matter? She enjoys doing this for her grand children, just accept it and deal with the aftermath. As regards the food she bought, could it be that actually she doesn’t like what you had on offer, does it matter that she bought herself food to eat? No. You can use your own raspberrries for something else and use up hers, let her have her crap food if she wants, it’s on,y for a few days and everyone is different. Get over it

You could have just put out all the reduced pastries, raspberries and smoothies out for breakfast the next day and avoided all this drama.

You're the one who's been wasteful through your pettiness 💁

Get some chickens. They're great for eating up left overs, they lay you eggs, and you can rehome some battery hens - that's a three for one in the 'helping the planet' stakes. Plus the muck is good for the garden.

As for the souvenirs - take them to a charity shop. Even the cheap rubbishy windmill-things might be bought by a hard up mum who wants to bring a bit of joy to her grumpy child.

Oh and ' toys made from tin cans in an African village' will be putting food in those villagers bellies........put them on a shelf or put them away until they're older.

I've still got some of the carvings my sister brought back from a year long stay in South Africa in 1988 (( painted ostrich egg and a ton tom made from goatskin )) she didn't particularly want the stuff she bought. But it was what many in the village relied on to get by.

Just say thank you, eat or use what you can, charity shop the stuff you don't want and don't make a drama out of it.