to not just accept whatever MIL does?

[ScatteredMama82]

We’re trying very hard to reduce waste in our house, we’ve done things like started making our own yoghurt, get milk delivered in glass bottles, make my own bread etc. We’re not fanatics about it but it matters to us. Every time MIL comes to stay she brings us loads of tat (she goes on holiday about 6 times a year, not kidding, and she feels the need to bring the kids souvenirs from every single trip). We’ve tried to say in the nicest possible way that a postcard is lovely and is plenty. We even bought them a nice big photo album so that they can collect Grandma’s postcards from all over the world. She still ignores it and brings things (imagine, plastic flags the give away free on cruises, novelty pencils that you can’t even write with, toys made from tin cans from some African village that are very pretty but sharp and entirely unsuitable for little hands). I’ve spoken to her, DH has too. She still does it.

This week she came to stay for a few days (DH is away). She kept offering to go to Tesco for me, and asking what I need. I said so many times, no thank you, kind to offer etc but I don’t need anything. The fridge is full, I have meal plans and I don’t want anything to go to waste. I got home from work yesterday to find she’d bought herself food for lunch (I showed her lots of salad, some salmon and bagels she could choose from to eat when I was at work – she chose to leave them all untouched) loads of reduced pastries, smoothies, even a pack of raspberries despite me showing her the hundreds we have growing in our garden. Now she’s all offended as I said we really didn’t need all of this food. I know it’s daft, but I hate waste and I also just wish she’d listen to me. What’s the point in asking ‘do you need anything’ if you’re not going to listen to the answer? I offered her money for it and she stormed off saying she doesn’t want it, especially if what she bought isn’t wanted. She then sat in the lounge in a huff for an hour and watched me run around after a full day in work empty and refill the dishwasher (she’d been there all day), cook dinner, and put 4 kids to bed. She didn’t offer to help at all, she didn’t lift a finger. All because I didn’t fall over with gratitude for all the things she bought that we didn’t want or need.

How on earth do I get her to actually listen to me? Stuff like this happens every single time we see her and it’s doing my head in!

I get why you find this annoying but I find it quite difficult to take your views about the need for resource efficiency and sustainability seriously when you have had four children. You will need to grow an awful lot of your own food to mitigate the impacts of that life choice! Perhaps MiL thinks the same?

She is a guest - be gracious, smile and say thank you. I know it's your house, your fridge, your rules etc but you are coming over as slightly control freaky about it all. You can't force her to be just like you no matter how hard you try.

just send all the tar and leftover food she buys back with her when she goes - everytime. Forcefully!

@Rainycloudyday judgy much? I don't have 4 children. I had my friend's 2 kids to stay over as she had a family emergency. My life choices have nothing to do with it.

You know you can choose your friends but not your family? Well this is the crux of it for me - no way would you put up with a friend like that you'd stop having them over. I find it very odd that people make all these excuses for MiL or indeed any family member, as if the minute you are related to someone by marriage or birth, you owe them no respect whatsoever. So you only have to put up with her because she's a relation - you don't have to find her ways endearing or reasonable as some posters are suggesting (and I bet she isn't "old" either).

I think @LadyBumclock has said everything that needed to be said very eloquently - we should get her first post pinned to every "controlling relations" thread!

Ok fair enough, your OP made it sound like you have four children. Even if you did I wasn’t judging, just pointing out some potential hypocrisy which may be contributing to MiL ignoring what you say. You may not be one of them but there are A LOT of people out there getting preachy about environmental issues while having 3+ children and I know I find that immensely irritating so just wondered if she does too!

(as if they owe you no respect that would read better, as its the OP in this case that is being treated with disrespect)

gets coat

Next time she offers to get food, I would say 'oh that's really kind, I always make a monthly donation to the food bank, here's a list' then she can satisfy her need to give by doing something useful.
I know it is hard when someone frustrates you, but I would constantly use a redirecting technique with her, channel her energy, get her involved in making waste free choices - I know you say you have told her not to get thisthat and the other (and I'm totally with you on this) but explain to her how you do want things and involve her in discussion 'MIL I'm trying to decide whether to make X or Y for tea, I want to do something that will do two nights/ have enough left to freeze, what do you think Shepherd's pie or curry ? Could you pop out and get some carrots' etc - leave some things for her to get.

I think you are rubbing each other up the wrong way - maybe just a personality clash - and that makes it hard for both of you to be objective. you see all her actions as obstructive and deliberately going aginst your wishes (truth is probably some is and some is genuine lack of understanding and trying to be generous) she sees you as being critical of everything she does and controlling - and that's not true either.

Does she knit ? Lots of charity organisation want items knitted for refugees, people in poverty etc (Knit for peace is a good one) push her generosity into more productive areas.

I sort of get her - I'm very anti waste, but i also like giving, I have grown up children and no grand children. I know my kids do not want me buying them clutter, my DDIL hates it, but i do love to give things. So I do all the 'giving' type of charity things making things, food bank, filling stocking for people at Christmas, sanitary towels for period poverty etc etc. Makes me sound a bit selfish i guess as I am fulfilling my own need, but at least I am giving where it is wanted.

(As an aside, I rarely buy food I don't need but I find it hard to resist a heavily reduced pastry )

@KurriKurri these are great suggestions thank you. Go ahead and enjoy your pastry, lol!

@DishingOutDone I knew what you meant :) It does feel like she thinks she has the right to ride roughshod over our wants, opinions etc.

She wants and needs to contribute and her feelingsare at least as important as your household policies. Is it worth hurting her just to hold the line? She isn't there all the time is she? Next time, knowing how she is, why not go and do a good shop with her when she's arrived so she can feel involved and valued.

Sorry, food shop not good shop

Family is important, relatives are not just people to be 'put up with'.

I have this with our childminder. She started 'rewards' once a week and I asked her not to use food, suggested stickers, pencils etc but she gives plastic stuff every week, a small toy that is forgotten a day or two later. I can't stand it! And on a side note, don't like my DC getting 'stuff' every week for nothing! However I came on to tell you to accept your mil for your own sake, you won't always agree but you're very unlikely to change her.

@LadyBumclock I don't actually disagree with you as such. I just have long (long long) experience with family members who I don't really believe will ever grasp what crossing a boundary looks like, whether this is simply by dint of their personality, education, or undiagnosed mental issues I don't know. But it boils down to how much energy does the op want to expend on this line in the sand? Is it a very important line (like the bicycle helmets op just mentioned), or a line that can have a bit of flex to it, because does it really, really matter iykwim? It's the op's decision ultimately, she knows her MIL best and whether or not she is overall a positive or a negative person to have in her and her children's lives.

OP, could you have a conversation with MIL after this last one along the lines of 'I'm sorry we rowed yesterday, but sometimes I feel you just don't listen to me. I know you're upset too, how do you feel about it? You can be honest.' Then it's not about the food or this or that arbitrary seeming (to her) rule, but one simple one - listen more to op!

Know the feeling.

FIL came to stay with us a few weeks back, during the week. He'd been at our house all day (was supposed to see his BIL but it got cancelled) and he had done sweet feck all in the house. His breakfast things still in the sink. We have a dishwasher.

Me and DH came home from working all day, with the 2 kids and started cooking dinner, tidying kitchen etc ad nauseum.

They just don't get it.

He didn't lift a fucking finger.

I don't think you accept anything that she does.

It seems to me that you want a very high degree of control about what happens in your house. Yes, it's laudable to go green. But as others have said, for every child you have, the carbon footprint of your family increases - even if you dress them in hand-me-downs and cycle everywhere.

It is perfectly possible to use unwanted food gifts if you have a freezer, and to adapt menus slightly.

I think it would be helpful to lighten up. The children will be aware that some families and some people are greener than others. You are trying to care for the planet in a particular way. But it seems as if she is trying to care for her grandchildren and for you.

Neither of you are coming across as hugely flexible.

OP - my parents are very similar, both in the view that there's 2 ways to do things, their way and the wrong way - and also showing love via stuff .

It makes me feel ill the amount of crap that comes into our house, including chocolates and cake, and other food items. (Last visit was impressive - they turned up with 56 normal sized chocolate bars and 3 big blocks of white chocolate).

I've learned to contain it at the door, can it be handed directly to me so I can put away and they can play with the kids, rather than the DCs being distracted by the gifts.

I sort through, some are handed over straight away, others are put to one side then straight to the charity shop. I've just accepted we will end up binning a lot of the fresh stuff they buy.

For food, accept she will buy stuff, ask for things that aren't on your meal plan but can be used "ooh, MIL, can you pick up a pack of pasta while you're there, perhaps some onions?" Don't meal plan for the whole of her visit, accept she won't want to stick to plans, so only buy for the first day and then ask her what she'd like for dinner tomorrow night, say you'll pick up X Y and Z or perhaps she could when shes at the shops?

Out of curiosity, was she the 'voice' of both generations? My 'D'M looked after her parents and her PIL as they all migrated to a different country, and didn't speak English. So she has, since her early 20s, been the one who decides things, gives advice, etc. She's never had to take it.

As a result she's a complete and utter control freak. She cannot comprehend that my siblings and I, in and approaching our 50s, actually know what the hell we are doing and don't need or want our mother's input into every detail of our lives. She also takes it as an insult that we have raised our children so differently to how she raised us. Oh the barneys we have had...

I've not ever had her stay with me, I don't think I could.

@pandarific I love this OP, could you have a conversation with MIL after this last one along the lines of 'I'm sorry we rowed yesterday, but sometimes I feel you just don't listen to me. I know you're upset too, how do you feel about it? You can be honest.' Then it's not about the food or this or that arbitrary seeming (to her) rule, but one simple one - listen more to op! She doesn't really do 'talking' about disagreements though. She either walks away, convinced she's the victim in it all or she pretends it hasn't happened and sweeps it under the carpet. It makes it extremely difficult to have a grown-up conversation with her (DH has experienced a lifetime of this).

I'd never offer to have mil here if dh wasn't. I understand your frustration, but if you agree to these things knowing her as you do, you only have yourself to blame really.

@Kashali this is true. I was trying to be accommodating and have her to stay when she could see my DS1 playing in his orchestra (which is a show of gratitude as she helped with his lesson fees), but I think in future I won't bother.

My mum does this.Shows up with a ton of food that she has either bought from
The shop or bought from her own fridge ('well I didn't want to leave this half pepper that's going slightly off at home' 😑).

It's annoying on two levels. One because I also have meal
Plans, have usually cooked in advance and I don't have room for more stuff, and two because it would be really ungrateful to show her how annoying if find it-because she is essentially trying to do a nice thing. So I have to seethe in silence.

Ditto when she used to look after the kids all day whilst I worked. I would come home and the house would be DESTROYED. And she used to bring her huge smelly dog to boot. But she was doing us a a huge favour so a lot of tongue biting had to go on.

I kind of think that's what you should be doing too OP, sorry.

I get it's annoying but giving gives her pleasure. I'd just accept it and throw it away afterwards

Pippa489 me too!!