to not just accept whatever MIL does?

[ScatteredMama82]

We’re trying very hard to reduce waste in our house, we’ve done things like started making our own yoghurt, get milk delivered in glass bottles, make my own bread etc. We’re not fanatics about it but it matters to us. Every time MIL comes to stay she brings us loads of tat (she goes on holiday about 6 times a year, not kidding, and she feels the need to bring the kids souvenirs from every single trip). We’ve tried to say in the nicest possible way that a postcard is lovely and is plenty. We even bought them a nice big photo album so that they can collect Grandma’s postcards from all over the world. She still ignores it and brings things (imagine, plastic flags the give away free on cruises, novelty pencils that you can’t even write with, toys made from tin cans from some African village that are very pretty but sharp and entirely unsuitable for little hands). I’ve spoken to her, DH has too. She still does it.

This week she came to stay for a few days (DH is away). She kept offering to go to Tesco for me, and asking what I need. I said so many times, no thank you, kind to offer etc but I don’t need anything. The fridge is full, I have meal plans and I don’t want anything to go to waste. I got home from work yesterday to find she’d bought herself food for lunch (I showed her lots of salad, some salmon and bagels she could choose from to eat when I was at work – she chose to leave them all untouched) loads of reduced pastries, smoothies, even a pack of raspberries despite me showing her the hundreds we have growing in our garden. Now she’s all offended as I said we really didn’t need all of this food. I know it’s daft, but I hate waste and I also just wish she’d listen to me. What’s the point in asking ‘do you need anything’ if you’re not going to listen to the answer? I offered her money for it and she stormed off saying she doesn’t want it, especially if what she bought isn’t wanted. She then sat in the lounge in a huff for an hour and watched me run around after a full day in work empty and refill the dishwasher (she’d been there all day), cook dinner, and put 4 kids to bed. She didn’t offer to help at all, she didn’t lift a finger. All because I didn’t fall over with gratitude for all the things she bought that we didn’t want or need.

How on earth do I get her to actually listen to me? Stuff like this happens every single time we see her and it’s doing my head in!

Oh and ' toys made from tin cans in an African village' will be putting food in those villagers bellies........put them on a shelf or put them away until they're older.

Agree, those items have at least done someone some good. Not so much the tourist tat such as plastic pencils, mugs etc though!

I agree she's trying to be kind and this is how she does it. You may need a chat (subtly, obv) about things she could do that you would love and appreciate ....

She probably equates giving things to you with showing her love. It wouldnt be nice to not allow her to show her love, and its not nice to control her to the extent of requiring her to fit in with your standards of behaviour (within certain limits obviously)
What you can do is redirect her to giving you things that you would appreciate, can use, can regift
If she is travelling, ask her to bring back a tshirt for the dc, tell her their sizes and plan their wardrobes accordingly
If she is staying and asks you if you need anything (and if you dont) ask her to buy you a couple of bottles of shampoo, and then gift them on to the local womens shelter as they really need that kind of thing.
If she wants to go shopping (maybe she is also bored being at your home alone all day) ask her to buy some canned goods from a couple of different shops, she has some purpose to the day and you can donate them to a food bank
Google the languages of love It might help you see it from her perspective

You’re good at telling her what you don’t want. Why not ask for what you do want? Say “MIL, I’m run off my feet here - could you put DC to bed, it would be such a treat for them?’ If she can’t contribute with ‘stuff’ give her the opportunity to make a contribution by helping out. It might help her feel welcomed and needed.

Of course if she declines then that’s another story, but at least you’ve shown you value what she can do for you.

saraclara

Totally agree with you and a lovely way to put it

Give the poor woman a break. She's trying very hard to please you but you're being ungrateful. Think about how she can contribute and insist on it. Appeal to her talents, skills, etc. Is she a knitter, crafter, baker, handy round the house, etc? You'll find something! Think outside the (recyclable) box!

She will understand recycling, she was brought up in an age where disposable single use shopping bags weren't a thing and all milk came in returnable bottles. Tell her you want to go back to those healthy times when kids also only received toys at Christmas and birthdays and grandparents "doing" something with the DGC was the greatest treat. Tell her you want to raise them to be as environmentally aware and unmaterialistic as her DS (your DH) is!

Keep her busy and she'll have no time for shopping. It'll be a big investment in your time initially to come up with a plan and convince her of it but it might all be worth it.

Some people need to give and buy things to feel validated. I hate it, and it's often a form of control IMO - but I don't think that means the person understands that. They just want to give and get the warm fuzzy feeing of being appreciated and having a way to "help". They don't actually care how you feel about it or how you would actually like them to help, and standing in their way can make them very upset or angry, but they don't see it that way themselves. They think they do care and that this is what caring looks like.

I've had this with more than one family member, especially my mum and it has caused upset. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the multiple holidays and dangerous toys from marketplaces etc. Cue screaming upset toddlers and sulking mum when I had to remove a toy with a sharp piece of metal sticking out of it! It's a PITA. I also hate hate hate food waste.

I think you can only get through to her by being extremely blunt and firm and spelling it out. But you will cause offence and could damage your relationship a lot. It depends on how much you value her and care about her feelings. I don't mean that in a nasty way - I literally mean you have to make that call. I personally am OK with having upset some of my family members and seeing less of them over things like this, but it's a personal thing that depends on the family dynamics etc.

Just want to say I know how you feel though, and I don't think you're ungrateful. It's shit like this that contributes to our general waste and consumerism issues, as well as being annoying.

@Ladybumclock I think you have hit the nail on the head with this:
Some people need to give and buy things to feel validated. I hate it, and it's often a form of control IMO - but I don't think that means the person understands that. They just want to give and get the warm fuzzy feeing of being appreciated and having a way to "help". They don't actually care how you feel about it or how you would actually like them to help, and standing in their way can make them very upset or angry, but they don't see it that way themselves. They think they do care and that this is what caring looks like.

I think that is precisely what is going on in her head. It's validating what she wants and to hell with what I think about it. I know it sounds ungrateful to many of the posters on here, but this has gone on for years. For those telling me I should tell her what I do want – I do!! For instance if she asks for gift suggestions I say ‘it would be great if you could help with the cost of DC’s music/drama/sports clubs etc, or a voucher for an activity they really want to try’. She does that, and then buys even more ‘stuff’ to go with it. I’m at a loss really, what is the point of asking if you won’t listen to the answer?

It’s not about the money she’s wasting – that’s up to her entirely. PPs suggestions of giving her a suggestion of what I DO want is a good idea, but as shown above she never just sticks to that, believe me I have tried.

@JustOneShadeOfGrey I have done what you suggest. If she offers help I ask her to do things for the kids, like sew on cubs badges, help with their spellings etc. I'm nit trying to shut her out, I'm trying my best to involve her but I do object to my opinions being totally ignored and then made to feel bad about it when I dare to point out that wasn't what we agreed, discussed etc.

YABVU!!! Pick your battles with her! No need to make such a drama. In the nicest way, I wish this was all I had to worry about today!

I simply no longer feel bad about it. I've realised I can't control others and I can't force them to think about the environment/size of our house/that it's all tat they're buying!

I charity shop the bulk of it in the hope that other children will enjoy it and at least it's being reused. I try to recycle as much of the packaging as possible.

Ours stems from a difficult childhood and the showing of love through giving. Not just gifts but food too. We do what we can and I do what I can with the gifts that we haven't asked for, but when we had no control I just had to do what I could. Now the kids are older the random gifts have lessened. DD doesn't really play with toys so anything random gets a nice thank you but doesn't get the positive affirmation through use. That has naturally guided gift buying to things that DD does want or things she's interested in. Yay for a nearly tween!

My Mum loves to buy food when she comes to stay too.
I sent her home with 4 bottles of fairy liquid we'd accumulated through her shopping trips last time.
Anything she's bought that I don't want I will foist back on her oh the kids don't eat those/I've already got peaches/the date is short on this yoghurt, the freezer is full, etc, you wouldn't want to waste it would you Mum?
It's her overbuying problem then.
The gifts are a different problem and personally I would just accept them and donate at a later date to avoid offending her.

She doesn't want to buy lessons or activities, she wants to buy stuff maybe she had nothing as a child? So get her to buy bananas, or school books or art and craft for the children...

Honestly, she is never, ever going to change. I know you find it annoying but literally as others said this is how she expresses her love and care for her grandchildren and you - especially if she's not the kind of person to be able to be analytical or self reflective, she just sees what she's doing as being generous and caring and 'treating' you, and that's the RIGHT way. In her head you are being cold and rigid and mean to her and are doing having guests the WRONG way.

She probably isn't capable of change, so by battling with her it's a waste of energy and goodwill on your part. She's not doing anything actually wrong as such you know, it just annoys you. Why does it bother you so very much? Feels like a criticism, an imposition, etc? Honestly, expect it to happen and remember you can't change other people - put out the food she bought, freecycle things you don't need afterwards and just try to have a nice time.

In future if your Dh is going to be away don't have her to stay. That way when he's there he can deal with her sulking. Meanwhile while she's still there now, just say 'mil can you put dc 1&2 to bed while I sort the other 2', or 'can you empty the dishwasher while I get the kids pjs on'. If she doesn't want to help out and just sits around acting offended, I wouldn't be asking her back in a hurry.

That wasn't intended to be harsh btw, I know how you feel - it's just one of those things you're better off letting go imo.

Maybe she doesn’t want to eat the food you’re offering. I think you’re overreacting

@pandarific it didn't come across as harsh at all, just very sensible. Thank you x

She's not doing anything actually wrong as such

Not terribly wrong or evil, but she is ignoring and trampling over OP's reasonably stated preferences and not actually offering useful help when asked. That is really rude if nothing worse. It's kind of a power play because underneath it all, she's saying to OP that she gets her way and OP's feeling don't matter. Of course she doesn't mean to be horrible, but it is horrible dealing with it. You just feel powerless, pushed around and guilty to boot.

I think this is her way of 'pitching in'.

I think you are being overly controlling about this.

She doesn't have to share your values, and it doesn't sound like she's actually doing any harm.

I can sort of see her point. I had the opposite problem with my PiL, I eat healthily but they always had crap, I'd have to go shopping eventually just to have something I wanted to eat. And..swings and roundabouts...when I go to stay with my daughter I open the fridge and stare mournfully into it, searching for something I can have NOW, without soaking beans or cooking something that takes two hours.

Everyone has different tastes. She wants the pastries herself for when she's hungry. Let her buy the food she likes.

I'm going to be 'rightly' accused of drip feeding here but her inability to listen goes back a long way. She thinks what she thinks is right, and everyone else is wrong. This went as far as not making DS wear a helmet when he was riding his bike, despite her own son escaping death or serious injury only because he WAS wearing a helmet as a child and was knocked off his bike. We insist on the kids wearing helmets, it is non-negotiable. She knew that, but DS was being a fussy 4 year old and they were going to miss the bus so she just let him go without. This happened twice, and the second time she lied to my face about it. My 4 year old DS was honest and the truth came out. I didn't include this earlier as it seemed a totally separate issue but on reflection I think it is in fact related and is why I get so angry when she continues to display an inability to listen to what she is told.

@Juells the trouble is the pastries etc aren't for her! She won't eat them.

Your "drip feed" makes total sense to me. It's a power struggle. The thing is when it comes to your own home and DC, you should have the final say and she's overstepping. But she doesn't see herself as doing that so she tries to do it through giving and buying, and making you accept stuff from her.

And I don't think this is the same as buying your own food when you don't want / can't eat the food on offer - that can be a minefield too but different issue. It's about forcing food on you that she has bought to assert her presence and importance.

@LadyBumclock it sounds like you have experienced someone with similar tendencies!