to not just accept whatever MIL does?

[ScatteredMama82]

We’re trying very hard to reduce waste in our house, we’ve done things like started making our own yoghurt, get milk delivered in glass bottles, make my own bread etc. We’re not fanatics about it but it matters to us. Every time MIL comes to stay she brings us loads of tat (she goes on holiday about 6 times a year, not kidding, and she feels the need to bring the kids souvenirs from every single trip). We’ve tried to say in the nicest possible way that a postcard is lovely and is plenty. We even bought them a nice big photo album so that they can collect Grandma’s postcards from all over the world. She still ignores it and brings things (imagine, plastic flags the give away free on cruises, novelty pencils that you can’t even write with, toys made from tin cans from some African village that are very pretty but sharp and entirely unsuitable for little hands). I’ve spoken to her, DH has too. She still does it.

This week she came to stay for a few days (DH is away). She kept offering to go to Tesco for me, and asking what I need. I said so many times, no thank you, kind to offer etc but I don’t need anything. The fridge is full, I have meal plans and I don’t want anything to go to waste. I got home from work yesterday to find she’d bought herself food for lunch (I showed her lots of salad, some salmon and bagels she could choose from to eat when I was at work – she chose to leave them all untouched) loads of reduced pastries, smoothies, even a pack of raspberries despite me showing her the hundreds we have growing in our garden. Now she’s all offended as I said we really didn’t need all of this food. I know it’s daft, but I hate waste and I also just wish she’d listen to me. What’s the point in asking ‘do you need anything’ if you’re not going to listen to the answer? I offered her money for it and she stormed off saying she doesn’t want it, especially if what she bought isn’t wanted. She then sat in the lounge in a huff for an hour and watched me run around after a full day in work empty and refill the dishwasher (she’d been there all day), cook dinner, and put 4 kids to bed. She didn’t offer to help at all, she didn’t lift a finger. All because I didn’t fall over with gratitude for all the things she bought that we didn’t want or need.

How on earth do I get her to actually listen to me? Stuff like this happens every single time we see her and it’s doing my head in!

Awww I totally understand this. My own mum is staying this week and she has brought half of Waitrose with her, plus oodles of plastic tat for my son. However its the way she shows affection, these days I just graciously accept what she gives me and then deal with it once she is gone if its not wanted.

I think you don't like her and that you are seeking reasons and validation - from a bunch of internet strangers - to cut her out of your family's lives. You sound cold, cruel and controlling.

toys made from tin cans from some African village that are very pretty but sharp and entirely unsuitable for little hands

but they are the ultimate recycling? Can- toy-recycle again

Rock4please are you reading the same op as me. I don’t get that impression at all.

@Rock4please that’s really not the case. If I was cold or cruel, and trying to cut her out of our lives, she gave me more than enough reason when she endangered my child twice, and lied about it. However I’m not cruel, and I don’t want to break her heart by stopping her seeing her grandkids so I tried to put it behind me and I try very hard to include her in their lives.

i think what too old says is good, try to figure out some items she could get for you, or maybe things that have long use by dates like drinks, then she will feel useful and be able to get you things and you will use those things.

alternatively go to a local refuge, ask them what they need, and ask her to get those items, then donate them.

pandarific no I'm not disagreeing with you either :o I think we generally agree.

Yes I have dealt with this in my family and I have gone down the route of not standing for it and causing offence - however my family is very dysfunctional and these are people who I really didn't have a good relationship with to save - standing up to my mum was well overdue anyway for example, for a number of reasons. Plus there's a whole other layer of difficulty when it's your MIL rather than your own direct relatives.

I don't think p is a control freak. But I do identify with becoming more controlling over my own home and DC, when someone is trying to control me IYSWIM. I can be quite relaxed and flexible generally. If a friend comes round and brings a pile of reduced pastries as a one-off, we'd all enjoy them and I wouldn't feel at all annoyed.

But when there's a backstory of a power struggle and that person is trying to force something on you and make you accept it, and will sulk and play the victim if you don't, well for me that brings out the need to assert my own boundaries more strongly. Because I know they are being pushed.

Then being able to make out that you are controlling/ungrateful/difficult, becomes part of that person's strategy to play the victim and seem super-reasonable while you're the bad guy.

And yes I am a bit over-invested :o and have spent a long time thinking about this type of thing, having endured it for so long!

@ScatteredMama82 She doesn't really do 'talking' about disagreements though. She either walks away, convinced she's the victim in it all or she pretends it hasn't happened and sweeps it under the carpet. It makes it extremely difficult to have a grown-up conversation with her (DH has experienced a lifetime of this).

Ahh how I recognise this behaviour. I think you have the crux of it here - she finds it difficult to have a grown-up conversation because, in some very important ways, she is not entirely grown up. She acts and reacts childishly, because that's all she knows how to do. I love a family member dearly, but in some ways she can be very childish e.g. when someone who said something true that she didn't want to hear, she reacted by going on about their weight problem. Essentially she is who she is, she was brought up by people who didn't model adult non-dysfunctional behaviour, she isn't a bad person, it can just be very annoying to deal with when the response to reasoned adult logic is (imo) immature toys out of pram.

Maybe there might still be value in approaching MIL in a kind of 'toddler training showing how to communicate in an adult way' if you think you can stay totally totally calm and not escalate it if she starts getting upset, and keep using 'I feel' language and emphasising you don't want to fall out with her etc. Other people have brilliant ideas about stuff you could ask her to do while she's with you - maybe you could even ask her if she'd like to do dinner one night, or do the shop for you, or whatever.

Hope it settles down soon. :)

Argh I hate having loads of 'stuff', really stresses me out. And it's weird to buy food for someone else's house when there's already loads and stuff MIL didn't even want herself

Although I guess you could have just eaten the pastries and raspberries for breakfast or something.

It sounds more like you're trying to control her than the other way round.

@Nautiloid, in what way am I trying to control her?

When she asks leap on her with gratitude and give her a list of 12 tins of tomato, 10kg of bread flour, 84 toilet rolls, 55 packets of tampons.. that kind of thing.

I guess I just think if she wants to buy here own lunch rather than use the meal plan, why not let her? If she wants to buy gifts, just chuck them out if you don't want them. It's her money. You don't have to agree with her choices but neither does she have to eat your stuff etc if she doesn't want to.

@Nautiloid yes I get what you mean. The lunch fair enough, it's not kind to force her to eat what I've bought, but the extra stuff she bought was presented in a big flourish and I just don't think I should have to pretend to be grateful. The extra food wasn't for her, it was for us. She'd asked if I wanted anything, I very clearly said no and explained why and she went ahead and bought loads anyway. And got in a sulk because I wasn't grateful. If it's ME trying to control HER I'm not doing a very good job of it.

Ex MIL used to go through food cupboards and then bring round things we'd run out of. It wasn't stuff we'd run out of, it was stuff that we didn't eat and she knew that. It was all stuff that she ate and thought we should. We weren't allowed to cook for her as she insisted on bringing meals with her. One day she was telling me that she used to check her own MILs cupboards and buy stuff for her. When the older lady passed away ex-mil had to clear the house and discovered that one of the wardrobes was stuffed to the gills with all the dry goods she'd forced onto her. She still didn't take it as a sign to check with people if they wanted stuff.

Hahaha! No I see your point as well! Not sure that's right on AIBU!

It sounds as if she is trying to be kind and helpful. I can only go along with what has been said . That is to tell her what she can buy. Yes you hate waste, but you need to compromise here. Let her buy some things, she clearly feels hurt at not being able to.

Perhaps she's hungry and doesn't enjoy your pre-planned meal and super controlling attitude. Perhaps she thought your children might enjoy a treat and deviating from the menu .
OP, loosen your grip love.

You really do need to lighten up!
Wanting to reduce waste is all good, but obsessing over reducing waste to the point of family arguements is just plain weird.
Maybe she didn't fancy salmon/bagels/salad. Maybe she fancied reduced pastries. Maybe she didn't want to go in the garden to pick raspberries.
You are trying to push your ideals on another adult and I agree you sound very controlling.

Maybe MIL has been a nightmare in the past but this time YABU

OP I can sympathise, my MIL is exactly the same. I once told her I’d taken some chocolate she’d given us to the food bank, because we’d told her we were on a diet, we’d asked her not to buy it and it was a full carrier bag of off brand chocolate, and she got really offended - the giving is all about her, she doesn’t actually care if we want or like what she’s giving.

What I’d like to say to her is that if she actually wants to spoil us, what would really be appreciated and actually be helpful would be if she just gave us the £10 she’s spent on tat and food we don’t need, but I don’t think that would go down so well.

Idk - it's your thing and she doesn't have to buy into it. I would have said thanks for the food and used it up / frozen it.

As for the plastic tat, tell her the kids are collecting something like unusual shells or ask her to buy sunhats or flip flops or whatever you need. She just likes to spoil them but I would be annoyed at plastic tat too.

The constant tat is annoying but it sounds like she bought the food today for herself. You can't reasonably ask her not to buy food for herself.

My sister used to accuse me of being controlling because I didn't give my daughter sweets and chocolate daily she never asked for them! So she would come over every week and present me with 7 chocolate bars or sweets enough for one a day I would accept and at Halloween I would chuck the lot at trick or treaters

Sorry op but just because she didn’t dance the food you had chosen in your fridge. Would you like someone telling you what to eat? She bought some lunch for herself. I don’t like wasting food either but you sound a bit mental over it.