AIBU to think it's basic parenting to teach kids to be kind?

[chugmonkey]

I've 3 dc (14,12,10) so I'm a seasoned parent ( primary stage) and I am so sick of how few parents seem to rate teaching kindness as an important part of parenting.

From the entitled little brats that think because they have money they can treat people like crap, knowing damned well that Mummy will be up the school making sure their darling little offspring will never have to own their mistakes, to yet another poor little sod with awful behaviour on their third school because their parents would rather storm up the school, shouting and swearing at teachers who have tried to install some discipline in their little nightmares than just taking time in their daily lives to teach them some basic decency.

Sometimes I listen to my youngest DD talking about her school day, doing my best to help her through the trials and tribs of being 10 and I just feel like telling her to just tell the little shits to fuck off!

Of course I don't. Instead I try to equip her with a strong sense of self-worth and resilience, reassuring her that little Jonty or Danni-Lee will move on to another target when they don't get a rise from you.

Surely we would create a nicer place for our kids to grow up in if we all teach them about kindness and consideration, it would benefit all of them.

It shocks me too.

My kids have their faults but are kind. DS has ASD so it's little things with him and he's had to work harder than most. DD is the kindest soul ever. She's had an awful Year 5 with little bitches being nasty and it bothered her so much because she can't understand that way of thinking.

Yes. Youre a much better parent than all those others

Kind is a concept though and means different to different people.

I doubt many parents will purposely teach their kids not to be kind. Kind is the the type of thing that is taught by obersiving. If you have parent who will rock up to school at the drop of a hat and kick off about the smallest thing, of course you child learns the rules dont apply to them.

It's not the parent teaching g the kid not to be kind, but does give the a sense of being untouchable.

You also have to remember. No one is kind all the time. Not you, not me and not our kids. We all do things we shouldnt.

Personally, I think teaching your kids boundaries and teaching them a more eloquent way of saying 'fuck off' is being kind to your kids. I have always taught my kids, they dont have to take crap off other kids to appear kind.

I don't believe we should always be kind either.

I agree. The was one child in DS’s class who her mum described as “not very bright” and every day her mum would ask her “what nice thing did you do for someone today?” The mum said to her, being kind was the most important thing.

I would like to my child to be appropriate. I do hear “be kind” quite a lot on SM (obviously in certain demographics). I don’t think “be kind” is helpful when it equates to being a doormat. Im also wary that it is something especially pushed at girls who are meant to try to “understand” the bad kid’s behaviour and “rescue” them.

I think your child should, in an age appropriate way, tell little Danni-Lee to F off. Being kind is not required when the other person is being a dick. That would be the kindest thing to do in the long term for said kid. They might then get the message.

Yep, I'm with you. Year 5 was particularly grim for us. DH and I often said to each other, if only some parents brought their kids up with some values rather than aiming to be the coolest/alpha kid in the group, the school would be a much happier place. Also, interestingly, I think the kids in question would be happier too - the really entitled and arrogant little sods always struck me as the most unhappy. Must be exhausting having all that parental expectation that you're God's bloody gift. I think things are improving in secondary though - not least because the school has zero tolerance for crappy behaviour from the kids and parents. Have already heard some rumbles of discontent from the most entitled parents looking at changing schools because their little darling's 'individuality' isn't being catered for.

Very few parents are paying attention to teaching their Holstein how to be decent people. And it shows. I see kids at dc school and cringe. What must it be like in their home if they are all being that unpleasant to each other? Just horrible.

Holstein? Children. Even I wouldn’t suggest you can teach cows to be kind

@ProteinshakesandAntonsAss When do you think we shouldn't be kind? Which situations?

I disagree being kind is the most important thing.

If you enter every situation and maintain the mantra 'be kind' and that's the most important thing during every interaction, then you become a walk over.

Girls, far too much are expected to be kind even when their boundaries are being trampled.

Theres a fine line between being kind and being a walk over.

When shouldn’t we be kind?
Plenty of situations
Well I wouldn’t be kind if someone broke into my house! Maybe on MNet the done thing would be to invite the burglar round for tea!

I think your child should, in an age appropriate way, tell little Danni-Lee to F off. Being kind is not required when the other person is being a dick. That would be the kindest thing to do in the long term for said kid. They might then get the message.

I am with Siameasy here.

(But don't be the kid who throws the second punch because you will always be punished for that.)

I teach secondary. We see parents in Years 7/8 vehemently defending every type of awful behaviour from their DC.
By Years 10/11 the same parents are in meetings crying themselves because 'they can't do anything with them' (their DC) and 'they're awful at home'.
You reap what you sow.

I’m also with math and siameasy

To be honest, neither you nor your daughter should be sitting chewing over the bitterness of a school day. It isn’t healthy at all.

When do you think we shouldn't be kind? Which situations?

When others are trampling your boundaries.

Personally, I think we should be teaching kids that boundaries are important and they have no obligation to be kind to people who try and ignore you boundaries for their own gain.

But don't be the kid who throws the second punch because you will always be punished for that.

Neither my sons primary or my daughters high school punish for throwing a punch if someone is attacking you.

At the risk of sounding 9000 years old I think kindness and compassion are less valued than they were perhaps when I was a kid; having said that though I was at school with some complete mini shits, the product of arsehole parents who’d have been born in the 60s.

I think my generation was the first to have a really entitled streak and it shows in our progeny. That - coupled with a lack of demonstrable kindness, and compassion - can make for some pretty difficult children.

I think the word you are looking for is polite rather than kind OP. Two very different things. But teaching children kindness is also extremely important. As are less fashionable attributes such as patience, generosity, an inclination to think well of others and grace.

Amazing how some people can pontificate on kindness and then call young children 'entitled little brats', 'little shits' and 'little bitches'. Is name calling kind?

You seem very certain that all the other parents also think your DC are the nicest. You might be surprised by what other DC are telling their parents about yours.

You don’t come across as kind OP; you come across as extremely judgemental. Are you sure that isn’t what you are teaching your kids?

I don't think people are less kind or compassionate now. My mum was born in the 50s. Her school had the bullies, the parents that would come in at the drop of a hat, the kids that were bullied.

Mine did in the 80s and 90s.

People have been saying that respect and decency, isnt what it used to be for hundreds of years.

@ProteinshakesandAntonsAss that’s not what kindness means, you are thinking of subservience or meekness. Kindness is doing something for the benefit of others. Arguably the kind thing in that situation is to give back worse than you got to teach the trampler a lesson.

Not necessarily kind, but common decency. Apples don’t fall far from the tree; one of our parents who has been completely, unspeakably vile about one of our SEND children also has a child who purposely winds the SEND child up. Her sons are always fighting, but because she’s posh and well spoken she gets away with it, rather than being called out as an unpleasant troll.

I agree.
All 3 dds have been brought up to kind. They have to develop resilience to others lack of kindness and empathy. By child 3 I have switched from telling them to try and u understand why kids are not being nice to "if they are not nice, stop trying to be friends and move away. If they are still unpleasant tell the teacher every time.
I realised my brand of bleeding heart liberalism was not helpful.

@BogglesGoggles you have just brought me back to the point that kindness is a concept that means something different to different people.

I dont think the way to handle someone who ignore your boundaries is to do it back. It's the strengthen your own boundaries and not let them be moved.

If kindness to everyone is the most important thing, you will end up being trampled. Because the kids that are being horrible to you, probably have their own issues. Should you be kind to them because you know they dont have a good home life (for example) and put them before you.

Women are taught to be carers, to be kind to help people as a priority

Head over to the relationships board and see how many threads there are from women who are in bad relationships but dont leave because their partner has had a poor upbringing or some sort of trauma. And they put being kind to someone above their own happiness. Because they believe it benefits their partner.

Being unconditionally kind, leeds to meekness and subservience.

We should teach kids to think of others, but not unconditionally