AIBU to think it's basic parenting to teach kids to be kind?

[chugmonkey]

I've 3 dc (14,12,10) so I'm a seasoned parent ( primary stage) and I am so sick of how few parents seem to rate teaching kindness as an important part of parenting.

From the entitled little brats that think because they have money they can treat people like crap, knowing damned well that Mummy will be up the school making sure their darling little offspring will never have to own their mistakes, to yet another poor little sod with awful behaviour on their third school because their parents would rather storm up the school, shouting and swearing at teachers who have tried to install some discipline in their little nightmares than just taking time in their daily lives to teach them some basic decency.

Sometimes I listen to my youngest DD talking about her school day, doing my best to help her through the trials and tribs of being 10 and I just feel like telling her to just tell the little shits to fuck off!

Of course I don't. Instead I try to equip her with a strong sense of self-worth and resilience, reassuring her that little Jonty or Danni-Lee will move on to another target when they don't get a rise from you.

Surely we would create a nicer place for our kids to grow up in if we all teach them about kindness and consideration, it would benefit all of them.

What is it you were trying to caricature with 'little Jonty or Danni-Lee'?

Also, really heartening to see that so many of you value decency. I would always be delighted to hear from a school recognising my dc's kindness. Academic intelligence is a genetic lottery, kindness is a conscious choice.

I think kindness can be overrated. Polite and considerate are important.

I remember when my dc were very young, we'd go to baby/toddler groups and inevitably kids would argue over toys...I'd always encourage mine to give the toy to the other child, to be kind, and realise no other parent was encouraging their child to give the toy to mine. In the end I felt like I was just teaching my child to be a mug.

I will never agree with people who believe my child should be kind to his bully and invite them to a party!

Re the example above, no one should organise a sleepover around a party (unless there are cousins or friends from afar), that's just ridiculous. I don't agree with telling kids to keep anything "secret" from their friends like that either.

I have to aks: 'Don't walk away when someone's making inappropriate comments on how pretty you look - be kind. Suck it up.' WHO ever said anything of the sort to anyone!





Kindness insists that you prioritise the feelings of the other person, fairness acknowledges that there are at least two people to take account for.

Academic intelligence is a genetic lottery
true, but in Primary School - and frankly in secondary school - anyone can achieve the average standard with more or less work. I'd never accept any of my kids pretending that anything is "too hard for them" at that level. And it never is.

Last try

Kindness absolutely doesn’t insist you prioritise the feelings of the other person. It insists that you use some empathy and treat them accordingly.

I'm not sure you have taken account of how kindness has been levied, especially towards women.

I agree with fairness
I also don’t think it is fair to hold children to a higher standard than adults are held to. I’m afraid if someone hits me I am not really interested if he’s having a tough time at home and nor should my child waste grey matter on those thoughts.
Noting the comments about the names you’ve given the fictional children I went to a private school where there were some extremely wealthy people. A normal proportion of the girls were really nasty people probably because their parents were too. It’s got nothing to do with being working class. I wouldn’t waste time feeling sorry for arseholes.

Is it kind for the eldest dd of a sibling set to take on the lion's share of looking after elderly relatives? Yes, it is very kind.

Is it fair that the eldest dd take on the lion's share of looking after elderly parents? No, it's not.

But still, society still relies on the economic activity of the dutiful daughter:

pdfs.semanticscholar.org › ...PDF
Daughters Caring for Dying Parents: A Process of ... - Semantic Scholar

Is it kind to allow transwomen to run as women in the Olympics? It's so very kind. But is it fair?

I have never thought of intelligence being genetic before.
I thought it was hard work and diligence.

You can work as hard and be as diligent as you like, it won’t achieve intelligence where there is none.

Allbirthdaysmatter i am just reading through the thread and I strongly disagree with you. Nothing would make me prouder than for my child to have a prize for kindness. I find considering it a booby prize reveals a distorted sense of priorities and a tendency to compete via a child's achievements.

Also kindness and submissiveness aren't the same thing.

Instead I try to equip her with a strong sense of self-worth and resilience, reassuring her that little Jonty or Danni-Lee will move on to another target when they don't get a rise from you.

Shame. You were doing okay up to this bit.

A few of you have picked up on the names I used to represent the two types of situations. If it's of interest, I simply chose one old fashioned and one modern name. There was no other intention behind it.

I struggle with this. Until I had a child with SN I would have said I was teaching my older child to be 'kind'. In retrospect, I was teaching her to seek out people just like her and treat those friends 'kindly'.

All of the parents in nursery, primary school with my son would have thought of themselves - and by extension their children - as being kind. In reality very few of them demonstrated any empathy/understanding towards my son.

He was too different and not 'friend' material. The greatest kindnesses were shown to him by children from cultures where close extended families were common and valued (in comparison to the more nuclear model, that seems to me to lead to more competitive parenting)

One of the (many) benefits he has brought to my life is a deeper understanding of kindness and empathy to others. I'm not perfect now and I know there are other things in my life that I am unaware of right now, but I do actively now try to teach my children to be 'kind' - to reach out to others who are different to them, to try and understand where perceived difficult behaviors might originate from.

I think in adults lack of kindness leads judgemental behavior. But usually it comes from a place of lack of understanding/empathy.

My ds also has ASD and has been treated with great coldness by many peers, as have I by their parents. But not all. There is a complete correlation between the children who behave well to him and the parents who behave well to me. No exceptions. Not a coincidence, I feel.
Some people are nasty and they bring up unpleasant people. I don’t want to be like that. I’m glad I don’t have to look at my son and feel ashamed of him.

Bastardy has always run deep in the human psyche, as it always will.

I can still remember some vicious girls at school. They were no worse than the vicious nuns.

MrsFrisbyMouse
I appreciate what you are saying there as I not only have a ds with autism but also a ds with serious physical disability. We know what it is to not fit in too, whether that be because of social communication issues or no room for an enormous wheelchair .
However, I don't really mean the unintentional gaffs people make because of a lack of understanding, I mean more like tormenting a little girl for having hairy legs or deliberately sabotaging a kid's work. That sort of nastiness.

Some behaviour may be perceived as unkind eg I know a child that rips others work when anxious and in distress, but there is more to it. I try to know the full story before I judge.

My son smiles politely and answers the other children’s questions even though he knows they are mocking him. Sometimes we need to know when we can stop being polite and stand up for ourselves. It’s ok to ignore questions from someone who is just trying to take the mickey out of you.

That was as issue for me growing up and DS – doesn’t help that people round you tell you to be nice about it – I think that’s finally got through to DS that its’ okay to ignore.

In fact as an adult I’ve found that understanding and kindness aren’t always great because many people will happily make their problems yours meaning you lose out.

It’s best to be polite and say that’s terrible but now I still need x or it’s still your job to do x or even how do we both get x to me – rather than understand and go without x and watch others be less nice get x.

Sometimes being reminding yourself that it’s not your problem to solve can be very helpful.

I know one of DS friends was being badly bullied – and Mum went int to be told boy had issues and hard home life as she said later to me her Ds had a serious medical condition and they’d lost their home and had other upheavals so why was all the need to understand their side. It did come across as an excuse to do nothing about the situation which is what happened which embolden worse behaviour and others to join in.

I’ve brought the kids up to be polite and considerate towards others – and have at times wondered if I was doing them a disservice though increasingly it does seem to be appreciated more but also trying to teach limits and boundaries – things can be sad but their problem.