AIBU to think it's basic parenting to teach kids to be kind?

[chugmonkey]

I've 3 dc (14,12,10) so I'm a seasoned parent ( primary stage) and I am so sick of how few parents seem to rate teaching kindness as an important part of parenting.

From the entitled little brats that think because they have money they can treat people like crap, knowing damned well that Mummy will be up the school making sure their darling little offspring will never have to own their mistakes, to yet another poor little sod with awful behaviour on their third school because their parents would rather storm up the school, shouting and swearing at teachers who have tried to install some discipline in their little nightmares than just taking time in their daily lives to teach them some basic decency.

Sometimes I listen to my youngest DD talking about her school day, doing my best to help her through the trials and tribs of being 10 and I just feel like telling her to just tell the little shits to fuck off!

Of course I don't. Instead I try to equip her with a strong sense of self-worth and resilience, reassuring her that little Jonty or Danni-Lee will move on to another target when they don't get a rise from you.

Surely we would create a nicer place for our kids to grow up in if we all teach them about kindness and consideration, it would benefit all of them.

That’s awful @NotAnotherJaffaCake

That’s the type of thing that really boils my piss, it’s reprehensible, so avoidable, and utterly disgusting.

I think your child should, in an age appropriate way, tell little Danni-Lee to F off. Being kind is not required when the other person is being a dick.

But you can tell Danni-Lee to fuck off in a kind way, and point out his (her?) behaviour is dickish.

Being kind can get you far further than being a dick. Catch more flies with honey than vinegar and all that. One of the best managers I ever had was also one of the kindest. And if he ever wasn't kind, you knew you'd fucked up pretty badly.

But you can tell Danni-Lee to fuck off in a kind way, and point out his (her?) behaviour is dickish.

See I would characterise that as being polite. Usually telling someone they are a dick, in a kind way, goes over their head.

I was standing in the playground the other day waiting for pick up. Another mum was loudly telling another that they have told their, " daughter to look the other kids up and down and call them all losers." All because she isn't doing very well in school! I was flabbergasted!!!

What I’m taking from this is thus:

Kind = compassionate, insightful. Instead of calling Danni-Lee a dick would never get angry as suspects Danni Lee has a shit home life so would just respectfully retreat and not react, possibly cajole. Decent risk of being taken advantage of.

Polite = doesn’t necessarily care about what’s behind Danni-Lee acting like a tosser but will respectfully tell her to get lost, and make clear what she’s doing is unacceptable. Lower risk of being taken advantage of.

So in the context of the OPs post I think it’s politeness that’s missing in greater volume than kindness per se.

Totally agree. I ask my DS every day what kind thing he did that day. I'm lucky as he's naturally very kind & caring, but for me it's the most important quality I want to develop in my kids.

I think kindness is a metaphor for decent or nice. Children are very clever. They tend to learn quickly who's nice and who's not.

Teaching them at home to treat each other well helps. Most children have to be reminded.

It's not about perfection. Nobody is nice all of the time but it is important for them to learn how to spot the unpleasant children, how to not take any crap from them, and how to move on from them.

In the same way I'd encourage my DD to avoid the drama queens in her class.

Not everyone has good role models growing up, some of us have to learn these things ourselves.

But it is a great thing to learn, and great to learn it from a young age.

Very hard to have self respect, if you don't respect those around you.

I think when you do learn it, people can sense it, and you end up dealing with a lot less hassle in life.

That's my opinion anyway.

I’m so conflicted with this.
I would always want my DCs to be decent, kind people...but they are human beings too. For example: DC1 had an issue with a particularly “unkind” little girl at preschool. This kid had a tendency to scratch, bite and pull hair when she didn’t get her way - mostly when it came to not being allowed to snatch toys from other children.
On the first occasion Dd came home with scratches on her face and told me what happened I thought “hmm ok, kids fight” and just told her that if someone hurts her then she must tell that person to stop, and if they don’t stop then tell a teacher.
Then next came the bite marks which bruised. I voiced my concerns with preschool as in my book, biting that leaves a mark for more than a few minutes is a big problem. Preschool said that they’ve had a few complaints about this particular child from other parents so would raise it with her mum.
The biting and scratching happened again, so I spoke to the mum. And in a nutshell said “I’ve told my DD not to hit/bite back etc as a general rule, but if she’s told your kid to stop more than once and she doesn’t stop, then DD has my full support to punch your kid in the face”

Turns out scratchy/bitey kid bit one of the much younger kids - not more than a baby really and drew blood. She wasn’t welcome back at preschool after half term.

I think parents seem more concerned with teaching kids to 'stand up for themselves' but yes teaching them to be kind is important.

By Years 10/11 the same parents are in meetings crying themselves because 'they can't do anything with them' (their DC) and 'they're awful at home

I used to love those moments, I could barely keep a smile, (smirk?) of satisfaction off my face!

The parents who managed the teenage angst the best were those who recognised their child's shortcomings early on, so many when faced with their child's behaviour in Year 7/8 would blame the school, S/He was alright until s/he came here! The fact that puberty and starting High school coincide was beyond their scope.

I just feel like telling her to just tell the little shits to fuck off!

you should.
Maybe in a slightly more polite way, but being able to stand to bullies or just unpleasant people is a far more useful life skill than anything else. Be kind to your own, but don't be a doormat.

How many threads on this forum wouldn't be written if posters would just stand up for themselves once in a while.

A lot of parents aren't kind themselves though, so it wouldn't occur to them to try to instil it as a character trait in their own dc.

To me it boils down to consideration for other people - being able to empathise with another person, to consider how they might feel in a given situation and adjust their behaviour accordingly. Way too many parents couldn't give a shiny shit about how somebody else might feel and prefer their child to look out for number one in all instances.

I always hope they get their just desserts by being friendless, lonely and bitter and wondering where it all went wrong, but alas, that probably never happens. Would still never want the success that may come from being thoughtless, arrogant and completely self-serving though.

YANBU, kindness/consideration is a fabulous thing, but too many people must see it as a weakness rather than a strength, which is sad for society as a whole.

Yeah because your 'little Jonty or Danni-Lee' schtick is really kind and a great example for your kid

how few parents seem to rate teaching kindness as an important part of parenting.

another poor little sod with awful behaviour on their third school because their parents would rather storm up the school, shouting and swearing at teachers who have tried to install some discipline in their little nightmares

Hang on, in one sentence you're demanding people be more kind then in the next calling children you don't know unkind names? How are you practising what you preach?

I teach in an infant school and you have no idea the depth of struggles some children in each class face. You have no idea the damage parents who claim "I have three children so I know what I'm doing" whilst criticising the children in their DC's class do. You have no idea any of their backgrounds other than what you've gleaned via gossip or nosiness. What an ironically unkind post.

I always hope they get their just desserts by being friendless, lonely and bitter and wondering where it all went wrong, but alas, that probably never happens.

That's not kind though.

Would you not prefer them to see the errors of their ways and go on to have a happy and full life?

It's a fine line between being kind and being a doormat. Yes respect others' feeling and be considerate, but stand up for yourself too.

Sadly lots of adults aren’t kind (just read this board). They can’t teach what they don’t have. But I agree it’s my number one priority for my kids.

Yes respect others' feeling and be considerate, but stand up for yourself too.

Exactly this.

Always been kind as the default. Kind as your number one priority often leads to being a doormat.

Like everything else in life, it's a balancing act.

I tell my very young kids that people who aren’t kind haven’t had enough cuddles as a child from their parents. It’s overly simplistic but actually most unkind people, there is a reason. Some bad sh*t has happened to them. You’re not responsible for fixing everyone, but if you can show them a little empathy even at their worst then that is a good life lesson.

My son struggles a lot socially. It’s hard to watch. Children make fun of him and are unkind all the time but he is still polite to them. I say to him “just tell them to get lost” but he always replies that he wants to be the better person. I have taught both my children to be kind but I wish sometimes my son was not so polite.

I think there is a difference between kindness and politeness. Kindness is looking for ways to be nice and trying not to harm other people’s feelings. Politeness is the thing that makes people into door mats and I agree that girls especially need to be taught that they don’t need to be polite to people who don’t deserve it.

Let's be honest, what parent would be happy to see their child only reward of the year being the "kindest of the class"? It's a politically correct way to say they are not good at anything else and need a bit of pat on the back. All the kids do, but if being kind is the only thing a teacher can come up with about them, I'd be worried!

(nothing wrong with a kind of the week for showing great kindness on a specific occasion, but that's not the same)

It doesn't excuse the behaviour of little nightmares who shouldn't be encouraged or excused either, no need to go for extremes.

Yes it is important, leading by example.

AllBirthdaysMatter
How sad! No, I would be proud. I’m a teacher and I don’t think kindness is the reserve of the “not very bright” at all.

Politeness is the thing that makes people into door mats

Of course not! What a strange thing to say.
You can be polite and stand up for yourself.

It always wind up people a lot more if you tell them to fuck off politely, which is a bonus.

I meet far more children who could do with lessons in basic kindness than I do children who have difficulty enforcing appropriate boundaries. Maybe 10:1. A lot of parents who are strong proponents of their children are treated fairly seem completely unaware of how unpleasant their children are to their peers.