AIBU to think it's basic parenting to teach kids to be kind?

[chugmonkey]

I've 3 dc (14,12,10) so I'm a seasoned parent ( primary stage) and I am so sick of how few parents seem to rate teaching kindness as an important part of parenting.

From the entitled little brats that think because they have money they can treat people like crap, knowing damned well that Mummy will be up the school making sure their darling little offspring will never have to own their mistakes, to yet another poor little sod with awful behaviour on their third school because their parents would rather storm up the school, shouting and swearing at teachers who have tried to install some discipline in their little nightmares than just taking time in their daily lives to teach them some basic decency.

Sometimes I listen to my youngest DD talking about her school day, doing my best to help her through the trials and tribs of being 10 and I just feel like telling her to just tell the little shits to fuck off!

Of course I don't. Instead I try to equip her with a strong sense of self-worth and resilience, reassuring her that little Jonty or Danni-Lee will move on to another target when they don't get a rise from you.

Surely we would create a nicer place for our kids to grow up in if we all teach them about kindness and consideration, it would benefit all of them.

don’t think kindness is the reserve of the “not very bright” at all.

when you see the amount of other rewards available, in all the schools I have seen so far, it really is. Not as a one-off, excellent behaviour or friendship deserves to be rewarded, but it's not great if that's the only thing that can be said about your child for the year.

Being kind is nice but school can be dog eat dog I’m afraid, sometimes the kind kids are the ones being bullied and trampled all over.

Allbirthdaysmatter- sorry I didn’t express myself very well.
Of course politeness is important and I am always polite. I really meant that sometimes politeness leads us to seem weak. I always end up apologising when someone rides a bike into me on the pavement. My son smiles politely and answers the other children’s questions even though he knows they are mocking him. Sometimes we need to know when we can stop being polite and stand up for ourselves. It’s ok to ignore questions from someone who is just trying to take the mickey out of you.

Unfortunately you're a rarity, some parents don't seem to want to parent..... and kids often copy their parents entitled behaviour.... there's a particularly loud family near where I live, loud parents = loud children.....they could teach them not to shout & scream at 7am but they didn't & they haven't.

Unfortunately entitlement is everywhere & it's getting worse....

You can definitely be firm and polite.

You can be God damn brutal and polite.

I teach my kids to be fair. It demands a similar conduct to nice but doesn't erode their boundaries.

LilyR2019 I don't know where you grew up.

We had lots of loud families, where I lived as a kid. 80s and 90s.

My family have been living there for 3 generations. Theres a few families that have. When my grandparents were younger, those families were loud at all times. They were when my parents were younger and they were when I was younger.

People have always behaved badly.

Theres a loud family where I live now.
They got an asbo the 2 years ago. No worse than the place I grew up in.

I think that maybe one of the problems is that people’s ideas of politeness and kindness are so different. I feel like I am not being polite if I even talk firmly to someone. So it sounds like it is my misunderstanding of politeness.

Amazing how some people can pontificate on kindness and then call young children 'entitled little brats', 'little shits' and 'little bitches'. Is name calling kind?

This. Selecting “Dani-lee” and “Jonty” as examples tells us who the OP is.

@ProteinshakesandAntonsAss not really. It has a pretty settled meaning, most people just misunderstand kindnessfor other pleasant qualities-if you look it up in a dictionary it will come up with something along the lines of ulturustic good deeds

I was brought up with ‘if they hit you you hit them twice as hard but you never pick a fight’ Any problems from the bully kids that’s exactly what I did. No matter how terrifying. Now as an adult (lol) I can clearly see what was going on behind closed doors at home and I was brought up in a rouuuuugh area. I agree OP it’s horrendous. Some Children these days are feral! When I was young we would run if an adult told us off. These days they will throw shit and scream fuck off! And the parents do the same 😂

I agree with a pp who mentioned the link with empathy. Isn’t there a link between empathy and reading too?

I teach my kids to have empathy but to also stand up for themselves.
I do think kindness is underrated in society now, even within families. It doesn’t take much effort either.

We try to teach our 2 ds to treat people how he would like to be treated. It's working better with the 8 year than the 3 year old, but we'll get there.

It has a pretty settled meaning, most people just misunderstand kindnessfor other pleasant qualities-if you look it up in a dictionary it will come up with something along the lines of ulturustic good deeds

Which can be interpreted differently. You may do something that some people think is shit, but you did it for the good of someone else.

Take the thread on not registering the birth of a child recently. I think it was altruism for the OP to report it. Some people thought that was awful and interfering in the life of a child who is other wise happy.

I agree with @billy1966

I disagree that always trying to be kind and being a doormat are the same. There's still a difference between having boundaries and being kind about it and just telling people to fuck off. For example, I have to fire people and make them redundant in my job. Kindness isn't never doing this, it's doing it in the kindest way possible (sometimes it is actually better for them in the long run). We all know the difference between being fired sensitively and insensitively and it does make a big difference.

I don't let people walk over me but I try to never be unkind about it.

Proteinshakes, yes, you're right, I don't really actually want that in favour of their learning the error of their ways and resolving to become nicer people. It would be a result if they did!

Actually kindness empathy and insight were all highlighted on ds report that we got last week. I’m glad his teacher has recognised those qualities in him because they are important values in our home.
And yes he’s doing fine academically. Being recognised for kindness doesn’t automatically mean you aren’t very clever!

What shocks me is when parents collude in little girl bitchiness. Dd invited to an afternoon party. Entire group bar her invited for sleepover. Birthday girl spent the afternoon rubbing it in to dd the fun she would be missing out on that evening. Dh collected her (only parent collecting) dd managed to hold it in until they got home then sobbed her heart out. She is not a crier or a dramatic kid. Dh was furious. When dd has a sleepover it is a state secret so non invitees don’t feel sad.

And school have noted dd as being kind. A girl in her class is having mental health issues dd asked to skip assembly to chat with her. I helped on a trip and another girl having a strop I saw the TA who didn’t know I was there ask dd to sit with her.

YANBU, OP.

I feel the biggest swell of pride in school reports when they say how kind my daughters are.

MsTSwift I agree. It is the parent's job to teach their dc that it is not appropriate to invite a whole friendship group barr one just because you had a mild tiff the week before. Adults know not to snub friends. Actually, maybe some don't... but I've heard so many parents saying 'I leave it up to dc to choose'. Perhaps they should spend a little more time parenting and teaching.

I don't think kindness means having a lack of boundaries (or at least it shouldn't).

Kindness was my mum’s defining characteristic, it was deeply rooted in empathy. Her mantra was that you treat other people as you’d want them to treat you. She was highly intelligent - intellectually and emotionally - and no doormat but unfailingly kind. Everyone who ever met her loved her and were kind right back.

Thing is, female people especially are told to 'be kind' when what the teller means is 'Give in, the other person matters more than you'.
'Don't walk away when someone's making inappropriate comments on how pretty you look - be kind. Suck it up.'
'don't refuse to let other kids copy your homework - be kind. You're the clever one, so you have to make amends for the fact that your cleverness makes stupid people feel bad.'
'Don't refuse to do everyone elses share of the shitwork as well as your own - be kind. The person in charge needs one mug they know they can rely on.'

What an interesting set of responses. It certainly highlights the difference in interpretation of the notion of kindness.
To be clear: absolutely to boundaries, standing up for oneself and no to door-mattery. Also, my DC are not responsible for moderating anyone's behaviour but their own so they are not taught to look down on anyone else or 'save them'. Just to be kind in their dealings with people as you never know what they may be dealing with at home.
Also, my two older DC are both boys so I'm not only applying this logic to the female of the brood.
FudgeBrownie2019
Erm.. a few things. I didn't demand anything of anyone. I'm fairly sure I said I was a seasoned parent not that 'know what I'm doing', your paraphrasing is leading you to make incorrect assumptions / assertions about my meaning.
I'm not calling any specific child nasty names. I simply painted a caricature as a shorthand to relate the matter I am discussing. I imagined most people would realise that, I think most did. So I'm sorry if that caused you to take offence.
If you read my post again you will see that I make it clear that I do not say any of this to my children, rather I encourage a strong sense of self-worth ( I.e. avoiding being a door mat) and resilience.
Also, if you read my post, you will see that I am not blaming the children, as you suggest, but questioning the parenting.
Lastly, how could you possibly know where my information comes from for you to assert it is 'gleaned from gossip or nosiness'?

MrsTSwift
That is a prime example of what I mean. So sorry to hear that your dd has been through that. It's so unnecessary and horrible.