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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dp tricked me?

119 replies

UTalkinToMe · 02/07/2019 09:49

I feel awful writing this but just need people's views on it.

When I met dp he didn't tell me he suffered with poor mental health. We went on to have a child and 2 years later he became seriously mentally ill. he then told me he's had this since 17 but had it under control.

Life with him is so difficult. I don't understand his illness and it scares me. He's got a lot worse the past few years and his illness makes him come across very selfish. Ds seems like a burden to him. But he loves him dearly and refuses to admit he struggles with him.

He doesn't want me to get any support for myself as he's worried it will look like we can't cope.

Would you be upset if you dp kept this from you until after you had dc?

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 02/07/2019 09:50

Yes of course you've every right to be upset that he didn't tell you

Nofilter101 · 02/07/2019 09:53

Yes very upset and annoyed. I'd consider leaving tbh.

HypatiaCade · 02/07/2019 09:53

Would you be upset if you dp kept this from you until after you had dc?

Yes, I would be upset. Having children is stressful, and if stress and difficult situations could be a trigger, than you had the right to know and choose.

He doesn't want me to get any support for myself as he's worried it will look like we can't cope.

No longer in upset territory, this bit would make me FURIOUS! Sod him. You need the support. You have a young child, which is difficult enough. You need support to deal with his mental health, and if he doesn't like it he can go fuck off. It just shows he cares about himself, and not you and your DC.

TremblingFanjo · 02/07/2019 09:55

I'd be unhappy he'd kept it from me. I'd be furious if he now wasn't bothered about getting treatment.

Ellisandra · 02/07/2019 09:55

Don’t forget that arseholes can have MH issues too, and many women only see the true selfish natures of their boyfriends after they have a child.

So I would say be open to thinking about whether all his behaviour is MH.

It’s not to to him whether you get support or not. Can you start with a relate charity support line or website, if there is one? You say you don’t understand his illness - that would be the place to start I think, understanding it.

I do think he should have told you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/07/2019 09:55

If you need support for you, it doesn't matter what he thinks people will think, or how it will 'look'.

You need support.

I can somewhat understand him not telling you, because it was well controlled and may never have become a problem again, but I don't think he has any right to try to control how you feel about it or what you want to do.

Floralhousecoat · 02/07/2019 09:56

That is deception to be honest. Yanbu to feel he should have been upfront about it all, he took away your ability to make an informed choice whether to get involved with him and have a child with him.

Why is he preventing you from accessing support? He sounds like a controlling person. He shouldn't get a say in this.

Pinkwink · 02/07/2019 09:58

Mental illness isn’t an excuse for being an arsehole. Your DP may just be a selfish jerk using his MH as an excuse.

I’d consider leaving.

Divebar · 02/07/2019 09:59

Would you have had a child with him if you’d known about his MH problems?

Seniorschoolmum · 02/07/2019 09:59

I’d be more concerned he doesn’t want you to access any support.
If he thought he had his depression sorted, perhaps hoped for good, it would be easy to not mention it as first. Perhaps it got harder as time went on. But you need support. Don’t let him stop you asking for help.

lightningstrikes · 02/07/2019 09:59

Yes, I would be very upset. I would seriously consider your future with him as aside from the mental health problems, he is selfish. Even when it was under control he still chose not to tell you and trapped you with a child. Now he's trying to stop you from getting support to cope. This shows a complete lack of empathy for you and your child - that's not sustainable in the long term for your mental health. Also, I'm concerned that you are frightened of his mental health - what do you mean? Is he seeking treatment now?

SagAloojah · 02/07/2019 10:02

He sounds like a knob, don’t let his illness put you off leaving. He should have told so you could make an informed decision whether to stay with him.

Teddybear45 · 02/07/2019 10:04

Leave. Lying about something major to trap you is a major red flag.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/07/2019 10:07

I dont think he kept it from you to be malicious.
I think he was more scared that you'd walk away, and The longer you leave saying something the harder it becomes.
However he does not get to call the shots over wether or not you ask for support. He'd be right. You're not coping, therefore. You need to reach out for help and support. There's no shame it that.

UTalkinToMe · 02/07/2019 10:08

Wow so many replies, thank you !

He takes medication to control his illness but since taking them he's changed and feels his condition is more serious.

I love my dc dearly but if I knew how having children would change him I would have thought twice about it.

It scares me because he's very unpredictable and I'm a very anxious person who likes stability. I never know what the atmosphere will be like.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 02/07/2019 10:09

Has he always taken medicine for it then? Did you not know about the medicine?

PeoniesarePink · 02/07/2019 10:09

It's not his mental health that would concern me most, it's the fact he's trying to stop you getting help and support.

Why should you be denied help for the impact his condition is having on your life? That sounds more like a control issue than a MH one.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/07/2019 10:11

I never know what the atmosphere will be like

This sounds like a really unpleasant life. Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells the whole time? If so, something needs to change.

If you need support, get some. You don't need his permission. If anything, he should be encouraging you to do anything which makes you feel better. It all sounds very one-sided.

Yes, he should have been open with you about his MH issues. Did he not even tell you before you married? That is deceptive and not fair.

I would seriously consider your future. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this?

Please seek some real life support.

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2019 10:13

*He doesn't want me to get any support for myself as he's worried it will look like we can't cope.

Yes, well, at the moment, you can't. So you go and get whatever support and advice you need. He doesn't like it, he knows what he can do.

disneyspendingmoney · 02/07/2019 10:14

I've been through exactly this with my ex, and a work college is put his DW through it as well, my work colleague realised he had to get help and stick to it. My ex didn't take that path.

You are in a difficult place OP, I would suggest you talk to your GP and find support groups to help you, I found a support group and it has been if enormous help.

Issues like this, that go untreated, only get worse over time. It's not like a cold, where some bed rest and fluudshrlp you to get over it.

Put the fact that he kept it from you behind yourselves and look at what can be done now to ease things for you. Talking to professionals that can give you an insight into his illness is helpful. I feel compassion for my ex and her bipolar disorder, but because it goes untreated and causes difficulties it is still difficult. And that my ex won't evidence any form of treatment (even to the court), just make it harder.

I will say, don't let yourself get overly angry about it, you are allowed to feel angry and frustrated, but you have to take care of yourself to so that your not pushed over the edge, as happened to me and nearly to my colleague's DW.

You cannot force him to get treatment unless he becomes a danger and then the authorities take over, police and adult mental health. Your DP needs to realise that that could very well happen if things get really bad.

I feel for you OP your are in a really difficult place, and I'd really recommend reaching out for help.

thetemptationofchocolate · 02/07/2019 10:16

It may be his illness that's causing him to behave like this, the not wanting you to get help, I mean. When a person is in the grip of a mental illness they often do not make good decisions.
Please don't think I am excusing this behaviour, it is wrong indeed, and if I were you I would get the support you need with or without his blessing.
Maybe he needs to get his medication reviewed, if what he has is no longer up to the job. Things do change, and it's no reflection of how a person is or isn't coping, it's just the nature of illnesses.
I feel for you OP, it's not easy living with this.

viques · 02/07/2019 10:20

Does he have family who were aware of his MH issues and who also kept it from you? If I had a child whose mental health was precarious I would want their partner to be aware because I would want them to support each other. I would be worried that they did not discuss things with you before you set up home together and had a child.

However, as others have said, having MH issues does not mean that you can't also be controlling and abusive in other ways.

GabsAlot · 02/07/2019 10:24

Yanbu-i have MH issues but i told my DH pretty soon after we got together-its not something you shold hide from your partner its just not fair

SolitudeAtAltitude · 02/07/2019 10:25

bit of a serious issue to withhold form a partner!

I would feel this is a possible dealbreaker, but maybe I am more selfish than you.

It would be different if you had gone into it with your eyes wide open. But you did not know.

Nousernameforme · 02/07/2019 10:25

Depends on the health problem. I would say if it was something like depression or anxiety it might have been he thought it was sorted for good and no need to bring it up.

If you need support ofc you should access it but he might be worried that social services would become involved and take little one away. You are not always the most rational when you are in the grips of a mh crisis

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