To think dp tricked me?

[UTalkinToMe]

I feel awful writing this but just need people's views on it.

When I met dp he didn't tell me he suffered with poor mental health. We went on to have a child and 2 years later he became seriously mentally ill. he then told me he's had this since 17 but had it under control.

Life with him is so difficult. I don't understand his illness and it scares me. He's got a lot worse the past few years and his illness makes him come across very selfish. Ds seems like a burden to him. But he loves him dearly and refuses to admit he struggles with him.

He doesn't want me to get any support for myself as he's worried it will look like we can't cope.

Would you be upset if you dp kept this from you until after you had dc?

He needs to go back to his gp/psychiatrist and look into reviewing his medication. Also medication may not be enough, he may need therapy alongside it. If he is unwilling to help himself then you need to seriously think about whether or not you want a future with him. You don't have to stay with him. And he does not get to dictate that you can get support or not. That is your choice. To hell with what other people think. He should be more focussed on getting himself well than worrying about what others think.

Please go see your GP and get some help and support for yourself.

If your husband is unwell and feeling paranoid that he will lose his family and child, then his meds aren't working and he also need more support.
Many conditions fluctuate, and managing them takes that into account. If he is ill, he might not be able to understand that forcing everyone to pretend things are ok wont stop his health changing and wont improve the outcome.

He needs to manage his health, not your reactions. And you need to think about what you want for the future.

I would be very angry if my partner kept this information from me. I can understand why he would do it but it is still very wrong. I would also be furious that he tried to prevent me seeking help and to be honest would probably consider leaving, especially if I felt that it was affecting the dc.

I'd be very resentful that he took my choice away. Had you known beforehand you might still have become involved with him, or you might have decided it was something you didn't want to cope with.

As you describe him as dp it sounds like you're not married. TBH I'd leave now, he's taking your choice away again by preventing you from getting help for yourself. Although he can't really prevent you, can he?

Do what you need to do for yourself and your child. It sounds harsh, but I wouldn't want a lifetime of coping with someone else's MH difficulties.

I don't understand his illness and it scares me.
Do you mean he scares you sometimes, his behaviour?
If he refuses to get help and his behaviour is too dificult for you to manage then I would consider leaving so that you can give your child a peaceful, loving home.

Yes OP he lied to you.

I wouldn't build a life with someone without them knowing about my poor mental health and BPD.

You need support as well and I wouldn't listen to him regarding this.

Is he doing anything to help himself? Being mentally ill doesn't mean he has an excuse to not treat you well.

I would be angry that he kept that information from me, even if he remained on an even keel. He absolutely should not have had a child with you without making you aware of the possible implications.

As for your current situation, I would leave if he was trying to prevent me seeking support that I needed, I would leave if he expected me to walk on eggshells every day, I would leave if his mood was dictating the atmosphere of my home (and my child's home)... Basically I would not be putting up with any shit I didn't sign up for.

He doesn't want me to get any support for myself as he's worried it will look like we can't cope.

He doesn’t have the right to prevent you seeking support. Being a partner to someone with MH issues is tough.

If the atmosphere is “unpredictable” then I don’t like the sound of things for you or your DC.

MH issues shouldn’t be an excuse to keep you in a bad marriage/partnership.

Can I ask what he has been diagnosed with?

I think it very much depends upon the type and severity of the mental health condition to be honest. If he had bouts of not that serious anxiety, or occassional depression that he dipped in and out of without impact, that wouldnt be anything I would have expected him to mention.
A serious mental health condition such as schizophrenia or dellusional paranoia - well, that certainly should have been discussed, especially if it potentially has hereditary links and requires drug/hospitalisation and seriously impacts those around them.

However the refusal to allow you to seek help is worrying. He obviously cant cope, hence his MH remission. He is seeking support. So why should you not seek support for the impact it is having? You absolutely need to do this.

Its also worth remembering that you and your child are important. You are responsible ultimately for your child, they must come first. And you must come second. Your husband has professionals who need to support him, and that is not your job to do - you cannot take responsibility for this and you cannot be blamed for that, you are not his therapist, you are his partner.

in addition it may or may not be his illness that is scaring you, that is making his behaviour impossible for you to live with. And you dont have to. It is HIS problem to get himself well, it is not an excuse to behave in a way that is unbearable and unlivable, its not carte blanche to behave badly. And if you are at a point where you are finding it impossible you absolutely need to keep yourself and your child safe until he has worked with the professionals to bring it back under control

I would be upset but it's possible your husband thought his illness had either gone or was well enough under control not to be a problem; he must be very disappointed that that was not the case. Which doesn't help you of course.

You don't say what his diagnosis is. 'Mental health problems' covers such a wide range of illnesses. Certainly his mental state will make him very introspective and self centred plus he won't want to do much. He'll also feel terrible guilt.

Medication is not always helpful. Unfortunately psychiatrists don't offer anything but pills. It's a wretched, lonely business.

No advice from me but lots of sympathy (& empathy), you must live your own life and as long as your husband is functioning, do whatever you & your son want to do. Keep everything on your side as normal as possible, go out etc. I would just say let your husband have peace and quiet at home, as far as you can. What you will do long term only you can decide but do put your son and yourself first most of the time.

If you can get away for a break this summer, it would help. Your husband will manage on his own.

Bless you .

My DH developed quite severe mental health issues just after we got married. The signs had been there beforehand but I don't think either of us recognised them for what they were. He had what we believe was a breakdown and had to quit work. The first year of our marriage was very, very hard for me to deal with and for him to go through the cycle of trying to find some stability and normality to his life again. He was initially scared to go to the doctor or discuss it with anyone for fear of being branded a 'loonie' and unable to cope, but eventually he did and it helped a lot. With the right medication and an agreement to discuss what he's going through with me, things have got much better, but some days are very hard still if he's feeling particularly bad.

I would be angry that he had kept his illness from me (in my circumstances he didn't realise what it was at the time) but I guess it comes down to how much you love him and how much you want to make your relationship work. It's a slog when your OH has a mental illness. You have to accept that some days will be harder than others, some days you won't be able to do anything to help them feel better/function and some days will be fine and it won't feel so frustrating or like you're walking on eggshells.

I think you absolutely should look into getting some support for yourself, even if he doesn't want that. I've found it's vital for ensuring your own mental health and wellbeing and so you're not feeling like you're pouring from a half empty glass. I'd suggest looking at Mind's website as a starting point. You can suggest he go to the GP and look at whether his medication needs to be re-assessed and whether it's possible for him to have some time with a councillor/mental health service.

been in a similar situation myself. Leave, as soon as you can, for your own mental health and the sake of your kids. He won't get better and you deserve to feel safe in your own home.

No I don’t think he needed to declare past mental health when you met, he was what 17 and obviously as he grew up thought his mental health was under control. Imo you being very unreasonable

Thing is even someone without prior mental health troubles can end up struggling after a baby, plenty of women end up with PND for example. Anyone can suffer from mental illness, Could even be your own child suffering years from now

You say you don’t understand his illness, well maybe it would be an idea to read up all the information on it you can? Maybe educating yourself about the illness would be helpful?

If you want to seek help for yourself then do that.......

In trying to stop you from getting support he is undermining your own mental health, I would find it very difficult to trust and respect someone who wanted to undermine my health and wellbeing

What has he been diagnosed with? May I ask

The biggest red flag for me is that he doesn't want YOU to get support. That's massively unfair and controlling. I agree that he wasn't truthful with you about something hugely important and that in itself would make me doubt him across the board.

If you'd known about his MH, would you have had kids with him?

The reason he doesnt want you to et support is because he is worried this will give you the impetus to leave the relationhsip (beause you will have suport and your eyes will be opened to YOUR NEEDS too, needs that are just as valid as his are).

I think you need some support and some counselling about the illness your DH has. Then when you know more about the illness you will be ableto decide if its something you re happyto cope with or not.

re not tlling you. Yes i would be upset too if he kbew this was an illness he was ALWAYS going to have.
So lets say, if he never said he was deressed as a teen, i wouldnt be upset. But if he never said he was bipolar and would need life long medication then yes this woud be unreasonnable to not say anthing about it. Even if the illness is 'controlled', it will alwys be there iyswim.

I've had serious MH problems for years and my psychiatric team always advised me that children would be very hard work and to think long and hard before having one.
I also saw a close friend, with the same long term illness, kill herself as she couldn't cope after the birth of her child and she had lots of support from family.
He should have told you as you deserved the choice over whether to have children with him. He has no choice now over whether you get treatment or not. Think of yourself and your child and get help.

I don't think he was under any obligation to tell you about a mental health issue. If someone had a physical health issue, would you leave them? The attitude of this post is what further stigmatises mental health issues.
Having said that, if you need help, that's your decision to take, not his.

Get support for yourself and more support for him. Tell him it's not only his illness when it affects you all.
My DH suffers with bad mental health - although he can now identify that he's had it most of his life it took a turn for the worse 6 years ago to realise this. his MH affects our whole family. You need to talk, he needs to face up to the situation, some tough love is needed.

but I guess it comes down to how much you love him and how much you want to make your relationship work.

I disagree with that. Not wanting to stay in a relationship where one partner is ill (mentally or otherwise) is not just about loving them enough.
Yes I would expect a life long patner to make an effort for the one who is ill. In health and illness as they say....
But sometimes, the toll of 'looking after' or staying with someone who is ill can be awful. No one shoud ever put their needs after someone else, even if they are ill. and its also ok to say that you cannot cope with the illness and need space.

I say that as someone who is chronically ill and as someone who is also at the recieving end of difficult behaviours from their partner due to disability/ill health.
The OP is already stating she is struggling with anxiety, walking on eggshell, feels she cant get the suport she desperately need because he doesnt want to etc.... At some point, she needs to listen to her own needs and chose to look after herself first. Not the least because of their dc

YANBU!

My ex(we had 2DC together)never told me about his MH problems or that there were a few people(including his Mum and Dad)that suffered as well.

No one not him,his mum,his sister,grandparents anyone thought to tell me and we were together for over 4 years,engaged to be married and I was pregnant with his second DC when I found out,I had to cut all of them off because he threatened me(whilst I was pregnant with our second)and his Mum threatened me so none of them have ever seen my DD16.

My life is so much better now but I still fucking hate them and I don't think that will ever change!

Put yourself and your DC first UTalkinToMe please,because God forbid you and your DC should become another statistic of a family harmed by a man that couldn't be honest and ended up placing any of you in danger.

If you need help, get help - it doesn't matter what it looks like. Support is worth its weight in gold and will help you to cope. His mental health impacts on you too.

*No I don’t think he needed to declare past mental health when you met, he was what 17 and obviously as he grew up thought his mental health was under control. Imo you being very unreasonable

Thing is even someone without prior mental health troubles can end up struggling after a baby, plenty of women end up with PND for example. Anyone can suffer from mental illness, Could even be your own child suffering years from now

You say you don’t understand his illness, well maybe it would be an idea to read up all the information on it you can? Maybe educating yourself about the illness would be helpful?

If you want to seek help for yourself then do that.......*

^ This. There's so much stigma and misunderstanding about MH on here, judging by most threads about it it seems the general opinion on MN is to abandon people with MH issues the moment they flare up because you can't be responsible for them, they'll bring you down, you're not equipped to support them so pushing them away rather than trying to educate yourself about their illness seems to be the preferred option. But what that approach forgets is that anyone could develop MH issues at any time – would you think it reasonable for your close family and friends to walk away if you did? (That's not aimed solely at you OP, just a general 'you')

It can be a chronic illness. Would you expect him to have disclosed to you if he had a physical ailment? I can understand the shock at only seeing this side of him now, but don't think he's under any obligation to have told you. HOWEVER: I am surprised it didn't come up in conversation, particularly when the topic of having children was on the table, because that's a possible trigger. He is BU to try and stop you getting support though, and he needs to go back to his GP and reassess his medication if he feels it isn't working. Is he going to therapy?